Update and some thoughts on recent events

It has been a while since I last blogged and with recent news events I thought maybe this would be a good time to get on here and post.

A quick update on me....as far as the sex addiction...I am doing very well with over 1 year sobriety from masturbation and almost 22 months from porn. I have not been attending meetings and that seems to be working for me. I am in therapy weekly and working on trauma. I have had a lot of stress but I am working on that. I do find I need to seek healthy ways to deal with high anxiety because my go to is to masturbate and I don't want to do that so I have to distract myself until the thought passes....usually doesn't take long for it to pass....thankfully!

Okay now to what has been on my mind....the Ashley Madison leak and the Josh Duggar admission to porn addiction, being on that site and having affairs.

The reason these 2 things have stuck with me is I have been on that site and I am a born again believer in Jesus Christ. Being a Christian (like Josh Duggar) and dealing with sexual sins can bring about a ton of shame and my heart breaks for him and his wife. I just hope and pray they are getting professional help.

As far as the Ashley Madison leak...I have had concerns about any of my info getting out but as my husband said "if it does it does that is the consequences of doing things like that". Very true!! 

My hope in all this is that people will stay off that site and others like it...nothing good comes from having an affair!!

I could say a lot more but I tend to get wordy and I don't think that helps.....

PS...I did NOT want to put any pics of the AM site on here. 

Matthew West - Day One (Lyric Video)

The Need to Fit In

I have spent my life wanting to fit it, belong, be a part of but never felt like I ever did....until last year. I remember sitting in an SA meeting and thinking (I think I even said it several times) that I finally 'fit it' somewhere just wish it wasn't in an sex addict group.

Last week I was feeling a bit down and lonely and thought maybe I should just go to more SA meetings just so I feel like I fit in somewhere. This was fleeting as I have my reasons for not going to regular meetings. I did tell my husband what I was thinking and he agreed not a good reason to attend meetings. My therapist also agreed...NOT a good idea for me!

For me to go to meetings to 'fit in' would mean that I would NEED to be struggling to fit in and that is NOT good for me. I have been in support groups for other issues/destructive behaviors in the past and as I get healthier I find that I feel out of place and either need to leave the group or struggle to fit in. This is what I recognized in myself last Dec and knew I needed to back off on the meetings.



Let me just make this clear....I am ONLY talking about me and my recovery journey, how things work for me and in my head. This is NOT to put down 12 step meetings or anyone that feels the need for regular meetings even when doing very well. I think it is great that people with long sobriety and good recovery can go to meetings and be in the meetings to help share with others still struggling....this just does not work for me. 

Thankfully those thoughts were fleeting and I recognized that I was not feeling well and needed rest more than trying to fit in somewhere. I am doing better and I know that these feelings will come and go and hopefully become less and less (as they have) as I continue to grow and love myself and care for myself. 

I have a place I fit in and it is the best....I am a daughter of the One True King and I am dearly loved and that is the BEST place to be. For me I don't believe God called me to fit into any recovery group but led me there to discover things about myself and work on growth and healing. I also can help others by telling my story of healing. There is always a purpose for our struggles but those struggles don't define us. I don't want to define myself as a sex addict but as a believer in Jesus. A recovering human being taking one day at a time......

What a difference a year can make!!

It is April 1st, 2015 and I started thinking back to a year ago when things were NOT going well for me. It has been a crazy year but a GREAT one also. The work I have put in and the changes in me are HUGE! I still have a lot of work to do and I am good with that. I don't have things figured out and I am good with that....I don't need to have them figured out. I do like the person I am now and that is something I wasn't sure I would ever get to. 

A year ago I was spiraling in my addiction. I was seeking the 'high' and getting it. I was seeking to fill an empty void (the God void) in me in the wrong way. I knew what I was doing and I knew it was insane and I wanted to stop but was having trouble with that (that's addiction). I look back at my journal and it is all there, my thoughts, my concerns, my need & want to stop, my wanting help but not wanting help.

What is interesting is that the 3 months leading up to last years slip (Jan-March 2014) was very stressful AND this year the last 3 months (Jan-March 2015) have been very stressful. So why did I slip last year and this year I am sober and happy and moving forward? I would say healing, growth, lots of hard work and my faith in God to grow me into the woman He wants me to be.

I am now living my life and when stress hits I work to do what I need to to make sure I am taking care of me during those times. I stick with things I know I enjoy, cut out things that are not needed at the time. Work on my self-care and that is a lot of hard work.

Looking back here are some things I noticed:

SA Meetings: Jan-March 2014 I attended 23 meetings
                         Jan-March 2015 I attended 5 meetings

Jan-March 2014 I was in DBT group every week PLUS my therapy sessions (which I still do weekly). I was also attending a ladies sex addict support group but I think I only made one or two of those. I was sponsoring 3 gals (not the entire 3 months). I was working the steps and calling my sponsor everyday (pretty much). My husband and I tried a 30 day abstinence with building intimacy (had sex once in those 30 days). I was meeting other ladies in SA for dinner almost weekly.

Jan-March 2015 I have been done with DBT since last Sept so not doing that in a group setting. I do have weekly therapy sessions. I have done an amazing Bible study at my church. I am growing in my walk with Christ. I am only sponsoring one gal. I am not working the steps. I do see them as a moral compass to live by and will work what I need to when I need to but for me they feel like common sense and like I said a moral compass to live by anyway. I am working on my trauma. I don't talk to my sponsor as much (not even weekly sometimes). My husband & I seem closer than ever and it is amazing. I have pulled away from SA a bit and I know that I can always go back/go more frequent if needed. I have worked on building relationships outside SA. I have been getting involved in other activities to enhance and enjoy my life. I have gone to a few Celebrate Recovery meetings and really like them.

So in this past year I had to reset sobriety 2 times (well technically 3). I had to reset this time last year from my slip up from being online chatting with guys. Then in July I masturbated and reset then again a week later and reset....now that is my sobriety date Aug 1st, 2014. That means I am 8 months sober today!!

I have learned a lot about myself over the last year and I think that is why I am doing well. I have learned to love myself, to be okay with who I am and what I deal with. I don't define myself by what I do or what has happened to me. I am growing and healing and this is a journey....MY JOURNEY and it is a lifetime journey that I am glad to be on. I have so much HOPE even in the midst of stress and turmoil (sometimes it feels hopeless AND I know it is not). I think that is all I can hope and pray for today!! 
                                   I AM OKAY!!

Dealing with Triggers

Before I started this intensive part of my healing journey I didn't really know what my triggers were. I think I knew some of them but didn't label them as triggers. When I was at the workshop at Bethesda I had to write out some of my triggers. I had a few I could think of but have since learned that so many things trigger me and I am learning how to deal with those triggers.

What is a trigger? From my understanding is this is anything that STARTS the desire to medicate with the "drug" of choice. Many use the acronym H.A.L.T. (don't let yourself get too Hungry, Angry, Lonely or Tired) as being common among triggers. There are so many more that I could not list them all and people may have different things that trigger them.

For me stress & anxiety are high on the list. Being bored, lonely, tired, sick.....like I said LONG list. Then there are the visual reminders. As a sex addict I cannot "test" myself by watching or reading certain things. I can be triggered by being somewhere I have acted out or driving by somewhere I have acted out.


This is what happened to me the other day. I was driving home and was feeling hungry, tired & anxious when I drove past a hotel I met a guy at. Unfortunately this is a hotel I pass often and my husband knows about me being at this hotel so it can be a stress for both of us. Anyway, as I drove past I looked at the hotel and the memories came flooding in fast. I felt shame start to rise as I remembered what I had done. I quickly prayed and I can say I was praying out load in my car and I was praying hard because I didn't want these thoughts in my head.

I was able to let go of the shame then the thoughts turned a little to what was 'good' (if I could really say anything good came out of that encounter because there was NOTHING good about that). My mind (addict, satan....I tend to put the 2 together at times) wanted me to want something that was NOT good by trying to tell me there was something good about it. Again I prayed and then started listing all the GOOD things that being sober and NOT acting out has done for me.

I finally was able to get home and the thought/trigger was gone....or so I thought. Once I went to bed that night the thoughts assaulted me again. I was frustrated but prayed and was able to mindfully listen to music and fall asleep. The next morning I knew I had to get this stuff out of my head and fast. SO I told my husband. Since I didn't feel like I was going to or even wanted to act on the thoughts I felt safe to tell him. I also know that if I don't get them out of my head, the longer they are there the more power they have and then the possibility of me acting on them becomes more likely and I don't want that.

My husband was grateful I told him and we had a really good, very healing and intimate talk which brought us closer together. I was concerned of re-traumatizing him but he gave me grace and love. I am truly grateful for that.

I have been working on my recovery/healing and growing a lot there. I have been growing in my faith and relationship with God. I have been growing in my relationship with my husband and building a healthier, more intimate relationship with him. Satan doesn't like all this and I know that he will attack, especially in that area for me, I've had it happen before. 

Okay that was a recent trigger but I do get triggered a lot and pretty much all the time. So here are some things I do to help:


I stay connected with my husband & other people
I stay in God's Word & prayer
I work on self-care
I recognize the triggers and let them go
I AVOID triggers I know that I can avoid

I am sure I do other things but can't think of them right now. I know that after the trigger comes the ritual and that is another blog. If I am triggered I avoid going into any ritual because that is just the next step to acting out.

Triggers can't be completely avoided but they can be dealt with to create a healthy healing journey! 

Inside My Head

At a recent SA meeting we read about how as sex addicts we and get "drunk" just with our thoughts. I am not an alcoholic so I can not speak for how things work with them but from what I understand is that if there is NO alcohol in the house then it takes effort for an alcoholic to go and get the drug they want/need. I am sure that they have thoughts about drinking but again I cannot speak on how their addiction effects them, only how mine effects me.

As a sex addict I live in my head a lot. I can get "drunk" (so to speak) with just my thoughts. Take away the internet (porn access) put me alone in my house with NO means to access my drug.....BUT my drug is still with me....IN MY HEAD!! ALL THE TIME!! Fantasies can be brought up in an instant and those can lead to acting out with myself. I can still recall porn from when I was a kid. I have gone over 15 months without looking at porn but all it takes is a spit second and I can pull up images that can get me aroused. It is THAT EASY!!

In our sex saturated society it is difficult to get away from pictures, TV, movies, books, etc... that makes this addiction difficult for many (myself included). I have not seen a lot of movies that others talk about due to the fact that I know they would not benefit my mind. I do watch TV that at times I know I need to turn off and at times I do and other times....not so much.

I have been doing very well in this area for months now and I have had several things come up that in the past would have tripped me up very quickly. Someone mentioned a guys name and then the other person said "No, he's a porn star". My mind went quickly from 'what was that name so I could look him up'...to 'NO, let it go'. In then out and don't dwell on it. There are some movies coming out (one in particular) that I have heard women talk about and I guess the trailer for the movie is out (I have seen a trailer for another one that intrigues me). I know this is NOT a movie I can see but my mind quickly goes through the 'well maybe just the trailer'. NOPE!! can't do that. I can't always control the thoughts that come in but I can control what I do with them.

Sometimes I get angry that I can't do what others can or see things that others can but is all that really good for anyone? I don't think so but that is for them to deal with....not me. I can only control me.

My husband and I recently watched some TV that was real life drama on real crimes but dramatized. At first I didn't think much about it because I like to watch those 'who done it' kind of things but I could feel my body tense up and my mind start to spin when certain words were said and different scenes played out. I could tell that it was getting to me a bit and I needed to get it OUT OF MY HEAD. That is the only way to be free of those thoughts. Thankfully I could tell my husband and he was very thankful I told him and very understanding. ACCOUNTABILITY!! I have to have it all the time. 

I want freedom from this addiction. I feel like I have come a long way in getting to this point. To be able to let go of thoughts and not let them control me. To get them out of my head as soon as possible so they don't take up more residence and then start the ball rolling down the hill into a slip or full relapse. It is NOT easy. It is NOT fun. At times it takes everything I've got to surrender the thoughts. Recovery can be very exhausting at times. It can be frustrating when others don't understand why I are not going to see a movie that would be so much fun to see. Or books that 'everyone' is reading but I am not.

I do have God on my side and for me that is huge. I can go to Him in prayer, I have many Bible verses to go to help me in this area. I want a clear mind. I know those images will always be there but I have heard they will fade more and more with time. I am praying for that. There is a huge trade off to having a clear mind and that is being more productive, more effective in my witness (godliness), AND a better marriage. Abstaining from porn (both online and pushing it out of my head) has really helped in my sex life & intimate relationship with my husband. That payoff is worth staying sober from porn!! and everything else involved in my sex addictive behaviors.

Freedom is possible. Surrender is a must. Stop running, stop trying and be open to others and to the grace of God. It is worth the time and effort!!

Fairy Tales, Romance & Real Life

A great deal of my life I have lived in a fantasy world....in my head that is. From a very early age I dreamed of the "perfect" man, life, kids, house, etc.... I think that is every little girls dream. I also fantasized about SO many other things but that is not what I am going to talk about today.

I have read many romance novels and I love romantic movies. This may not seem like a bad thing but for me I know that if I am not careful these things DO create a problem. No one can live up to the fairy tale happiness in these books and movies. Love and sex do not play out that way in real life.

Recently I have had some major changes to adjust to and some traumatic events to deal with. Stress to put it mildly. When I get stressed my anxiety goes up and then I want to retreat into something that is unreal, escape into fantasy. Not always a sexual fantasy but just anything that takes me out of real life. Lately, my husband has been very busy and we have not had as much time together as I would like. So I started reading a romance novel (not an erotic novel...can't do those anymore). Within a few pages I start to feel it....that feeling that something is not right. Not so long ago I would have gotten angry and not know what the problem was BUT now I know. 

DISCONTENTMENT!!

I become discontent with my marriage! WHY? Because I want the romance, the fun, the crazy love that is in the book. What I have is a very busy husband working to provide for his family. A man that loves me for me and has accepted me for who I am. Someone that likes to take care of me, do special things for me, sacrifice sleep to listen to yet another one of my boring rambling stories (well sometimes he will fall asleep to them but I don't blame him for that). Someone that loves me unconditionally. He is not perfect....AND neither am I. We have been married a long time and have been through a lot together and we are still together, working to grow our marriage even after many events that would tear a marriage apart. 

Once we started dating I thought it was crazy that he wanted to spend time with me and not to just have sex (although that was a part of our dating). We had a rocky start but once we decided to get married I thought I had found my knight in shining armor. The young man that was coming to rescue this young girl who already had one kid and now with 2. That fantasy was shattered really quickly and then I went back into my head.

I used fantasy to escape during most of my marriage. I would fantasize about the "perfect" man coming to rescue me from my now not so perfect husband. Once I actually went outside my marriage I realized that real life still did not measure up to my fantasies. Then reality really hit (the disclosure of those events).

I don't believe in fairy tales. I believe in real love. I believe that I have to work on me to be a better wife and not try to change my husband. I do believe in romance but not what is in the books, TV or movies but what my husband really does for me...the little things and sometimes really big ones. Real life is not always fun but once I stepped out of the fairy tales and fantasy of what I thought life and marriage should be and stepped into what is real and true I have found that inner peace and love of self that I cannot even express how amazing that is. I now look at my husband and love him no matter what. He is my prince. He is the one I want to grow old with. He has been an amazing father to our kids. He is loving and kind. He is compassionate. He works hard to provide so I can stay home. 

Our love story may not read like a fairy tale or romance novel but I would rather be living in real life with the man I do have than pursuing a fantasy that can never be.

REAL LIFE.....A MUCH BETTER PLACE TO LIVE!!

<-------That would be my husband!! 
I am very thankful that God brought us together & I have a man like that!!

Are You Connected?

A couple days ago I read an article on addiction and that there might be more to it than a hijack of the brain. It talks about human connection and isolation and how those may be the keys to addiction (why someone becomes addicted and others do not & how people overcome addictions many times without rehab). I will put a link to the article later, I did find it very interesting and a lot of it made sense to me so I wanted to talk about it and share my thoughts. I am not a doctor or a specialist I am just someone that has dealt with addictions. 

This article did get me thinking and words from SA's White Book kept coming to mind. In The Problem in SAWB it starts out by saying "Many of us felt inadequate, unworthy, ALONE and afraid.". Then a bit later, "Early on, we came to feel DISCONNECTED-". "Please CONNECT with me and make me whole!"

SA White Book but with
 the title on the cover

Just reading The Problem in the White Book is enough to know that for a sex addict our biggest problem is our feeling alone, isolated, like no one understands, wants us, we are unworthy of love.... We reach for connection the only way we know how. Many sex addicts were abused as children and kids need to feel safe to connect. As a sex addict I was abused and did not feel safe as a kid and still struggle with that feeling.

First come the fantasies. That is a way to escape and feel connected to something even though it is not real. Then it just spirals from there. Once we connect with others there seems to be something missing. The connection is not real, it cannot be real because we have become lost inside ourselves.

"We took from others to fill up what was lacking in ourselves" (SAWB). Intimacy is missing. Love is elusive even though it 'feels' like we love others we cannot know real love until we first learn to love ourselves.

The Solution (yes, that is the next page in the White Book). "Encouraged to continue, we turned more and more away from our ISOLATING obsession with sex and self and turned to GOD and OTHERS." We know that others have done this and we see that they have healing and that is what we want. The fellowship of other sex addicts help us, hold us accountable, a safe place to face ourselves for the first time. In the community of other addicts we begin to heal, grow and know that there is life without the chains of the addiction.

I know that I have cut back on meetings and that is good for me. I am going out and connecting with other people in healthy ways. My sponsor says that it's all about relationships. We go to meetings to learn how to have healthy relationships so we can go out in the world and live a life worth living....or better yet create a life worth living!

Link to article...HERE!! It is pretty interesting.

What's Your Secret?

No, I'm not asking for anyone to tell me their secret. I was recently told I needed to share my secret with others. The secret to my success so far in sex addiction recovery (I am still a work in progress, always will be). 

Truth is there is NO secret!! No magic solution. No perfect program or special pill. Recovery is NOT one size fits all and everyone has to work their own program BUT I will share what I have done to help me get to where I am and hopefully that will help others in their journey.

I have blogged about MY program earlier here and it changes all the time. It's a process that changes & grows as I change & grow. 

I do think that getting to the root of the addiction (pain/trauma) is where the healing/recovery truly begins. The addiction is the symptom of the problem and getting to that root is vital.

I don't have all the answers and I sure don't have it all figured out. I take one day at a time and keep growing. Some days are easier than others and I know that I can slip up. I know that I will likely need accountability the rest of my life. 

SA MEETINGS:
I have cut back on meetings and I have a good reason for that. I am not quitting them & will increase if needed but for now I am doing what I need. Meetings are where I found a community to help support and hold me accountable. Where I got a sponsor to help me through struggles and the 12 steps. Where I was able to be my true self. It is where I have gained sobriety. It has also been a great place to build intimate non-sexual relationships with men.

FAITH IN GOD:
I have had a relationship with Jesus since I was a child. This is a spiritual journey so having that foundation, for me has been huge. It is also what keeps me going. I believe that things happen in God's timing and MY journey has been on God's timing, not mine. I have tried to do things on my own but I didn't succeed....God's timing is perfect!

THERAPY:
I have been in therapy off & on for over 20 years dealing with multiple things. I have worked on me, parent issues, marriage issues....THEN I went to Bethesda Workshop for female sex addicts and that was the springboard to the more intensive healing and growth. Since then I have done DBT (dialectical behavioral therapy) and working on trauma healing. There is still a lot of work to be done there.  

AND I cannot forget the support from my loving husband who has stood by me and loves me unconditionally. When I told him that I wanted to blog on this he gave me a lot of suggestions and said we should write a book together....it could happen. :)

Learning my triggers and what to do when they happen. Learning to create a life worth living. Learning to accept myself and even love myself. Learning good self-care (not always good at this but still working on it). Learning that I am worth this journey.

Well that's my share for today on why I can say, 

"I am doing very well today, thank you!".

Sometimes I Forget

Last night I was reminded of the pain that my husband still feels from my infidelity. He has been stressed and feeling "out-of-sorts" (his words not mine) and after telling me about work stress he went on to tell me his fears of hearing again that I had been unfaithful. OUCH!!

Sometimes I forget that he is still hurting or that the pain is (and always will be) there. It has been years, many years since I have acted outside my marriage and it is something I would take back, undo, never do.....the grass is NOT greener. 

As the years have gone on and as I have been working on recovery and healing it will, at times feel like a really bad dream. My husband is a wonderful man that loves me unconditionally and because of his love and care for me I tend to forget his pain.

In my mind, infidelity is the ultimate betrayal in a marriage. My husband feels like God prepared him for hearing the first disclosure but it is a trauma to him and something he will never forget.

With his recent stress and feeling down the thoughts of me having time on my hands and potentially going out on him again created more fear. He knows he can't control it, didn't cause it and can't cure it. I have been doing very well lately and not going to as many meetings and he sees the good but then got very concerned about that.

All I could do was listen, validate his feelings and let him know that even though my words don't mean much I did want to reassure him that I am doing very well. I have no desire to go out on him again (as I said the grass is NOT greener). I love him and I was glad he opened up to me about this. He did say that it helped to hear that and what I say does matter to him.

Although this is difficult to hear I am glad that he was able to open up to me about his feelings. I have to keep rebuilding the trust, that's my job. Hopefully as time goes on the pain won't be as bad (he has said it usually is not as bad but some days hits hard). I hate that I have hurt him so much and wish I could take it away but I can't.

WHY???

Merry Christmas Eve!!

I thought I would talk a little about the last 6 days and the struggles I have been having. Thankfully not so much on the sex addiction part although the thought had come to mind but I was able to let it go pretty easily. That is progress and I am thankful for that.


I over-think, over-analyze and just make things much worse than they are....in my mind. I want to know WHY things happen and WHY I have the thoughts and feelings I do. My therapist tells me that asking WHY is like a 3 year old and it will drive me nuts just like when kids do the "why, why, why???". Yep, that can drive any parent a little nuts when we hear that over and over.



For me it was easier to be patient with my kids (I was not in any way perfect at this just easier than being patient with myself). I am having to re-parent myself and this can be very difficult at times, like when I want to know WHY and I want to know NOW!! I have been working on NOT asking WHY but just letting things BE.

I know that the holidays stress me and I feel like I have been doing very well on that front. No major depression, not acting out in my addiction or any other self-destructive behaviors. Being around extended family can create trauma triggers, reaction and I am working on recognizing and working through those. My husband has been very stressed and I am working to not take on his stress. The weather is just gloomy, cloudy and dark more than light. I don't have SAD (seasonal affective disorder) but I think that these short gloomy days can affect anyone.

I have felt a little more detached and not the happy me that I was a week ago and I don't like that. I want that feeling back. It takes a little more work but I am getting back there. I know that I can't be happy all the time and I am okay with that I just think I need to know WHY and I don't. It's all part of this journey and I just need do what I can for self-care.
  

Yesterday I needed to cry and it took me arguing with my husband over stupid things to get to the point that I broke down and cried. I was then tired and able to feel connected, to myself and others. I got my bear and took a nap. I woke and felt reset. Not that things will be perfect but to feel better and re-connected to myself & my husband especially is a much better feeling.

I again am thankful for what I have learned about myself over the last several days and things I will do differently in the future to help me be a better me and healthier me. This is a journey and it won't be over until the Good Lord takes me home. 

I am looking forward to Christmas and the New Year. 

I hope everyone has a very Merry Christmas!!

Working the 12 Steps

I have worked all 12 steps and (personally) feel that everyone could benefit from going through them at least once even if they don't have an addiction. I also don't feel (and this might upset some) that they are the answer for everyone nor do I feel like that is why I am in the place I am now. I do feel that they have helped and I will continue to work on them as needed but a lot of them, in my opinion are really common sense and as someone with faith in God they are also the work a Christian should be doing anyway. I am not trying to undermine the 12 step program and I know for many that has been their life saver. I am saying that, for me recovery has been a LOT more than working the steps.

All that said I want to talk about my 12 step journey. It started when I went to Bethesda workshop and that is where I was introduced to the 12 steps. There we pretty much did steps 1-3 and in my opinion a little work on step 4 as I used stuff I did at the workshop to do my step 4.

Once I was home I needed to get to meetings, get a sponsor and start working the steps. That was my thought and I was determined to do that. As I have said before this was not an easy undertaking for me due to being the only female (most of the time) in meetings for a while. I had made calls to women all over the country but that is in an earlier post.

Finally one of the guys wanted to help me at least get my step 1 done so he helped me after a meeting to get me started. Doing a step 1 in SA is a lot different than in AA. In fact all the steps are worked differently in SA and in more detail than in AA. I have never done steps in AA so that was to my benefit.

He gave me, I think 3 weeks to get my 1st step written (this was a summary of my story, the story that brought me to SA and recovery, powerlessness & unmanageable) and it was to be no more than 3 pages and I was going to read it to the group. YIKES!!! Talk about being transparent.

SA step 1. We admitted that we were powerless over lust--that our lives had become unmanageable.

I wrote it out, asked a gal in another state to read it before I read it to the men in my meeting. She was less than helpful and I felt betrayed to say the least. She agreed to help then after reading it told me every reason she did not believe in sharing 1st steps in meetings and that it was triggering to her yet she did not tell me what was triggering to her. She did apologize a few weeks later but I have never talked to her again.

So after getting permission to read it I did and it was freeing. After I read my 1st step I then got feedback from the group which was nice. I have heard many 1st steps and to be honest I like hearing them and to me it helps to be that transparent and honest and it helps others to know they are not alone. I don't think it should be pushed on anyone nor do I feel like everyone should do this, it really has to be your choice. I really didn't feel like I had a choice then as I was so new and learning so for me I was still in the "doing what I was told" & "doing what I am suppose to do" stage. That's okay. I don't regret doing it.

SA step 2. Came to believe that a Power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity.
SA step 3. Made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God as we understood Him.

Those steps were easier. I already had/have a strong faith in God so turning my life over to Him...well I have done that. I like the short first 3 steps in a Christian way:

Step 1 I can't

Step 2 He can

Step 3 I'll let Him

Very simple but the 12 step program is a simple program just not easy.

So that is all for now I will later talk about my journey through the rest of the steps as that took more time and energy and some very difficult things to get through. Until next time......

Addiction Recovery and the Holiday Season

I know that we are in the middle of the holiday season but I wanted to share how as a sex addict I have handled things in the past and how I am doing this year. I think I have said this before but as a sex addict my go to's have been mostly porn, masturbation and fantasy so I will be talking about them.

Stress is huge for me this time of year. Shopping, family gatherings, dealing with family in general, along with many other things. When I have been stressed in the past I would turn to my addictive and self-destructive behaviors to deal with, or numb out so I didn't have to "feel" for a bit. These were my 'old' ways to cope and I know that they can still pop up so I have to be alert. Last year during this time I struggled a lot to stay sober, I had used porn & masturbation in early Nov 2013 but was able to avoid those through the rest of the season. I did use other self-destructive behaviors because I didn't want to reset my sobriety date. This is not real recovery/healing, it's just swapping.

This year I have had some stresses and I have been able to handle them....sober. This is a really good feeling. So far I have not felt the need to act out sexually to handle any of the stresses that come my way. I work to stay in the present and only deal with what is right in front of me. I do have to think about shopping and family get together's but I can do the shopping with my husband and in short bits. I know when the family gatherings are so I just have them on the calendar and so far have used the skills I have learned to get through them. I usually plan the day before or a couple days before so that I have everything I need to get through family gatherings in a healthy, skillful way. I can then come home and not feel like acting out to cope.

Self-care has been very important to help me use my skills. Staying in contact with my recovery family helps and having a constant contact with God. I know the season is not over and anything can happen but so far I feel pretty good about how I have been handling the stresses as they come up. 

It really does work and I am really starting to like the 'new' me. Hoping and praying that this will be my new normal for the years to come.

Completely

Right after I had "righted" myself on Nov 25th I heard a song on the radio that I had heard many times but this time I really listened to the words. It is one of my favorites now (I have many). I woke this morning singing it so I wanted to share. I can relate to these lyrics all too well. This is Completely by Among The Thirsty (Christian band/song). Here is the youtube link for the song

I'm feeling so small

Standing here weeping

As I'm coming clean

Of the secrets I'm keeping

I've caused so much pain

To the ones I love the most

And I'm falling apart

As I carry my heart to Your throne

(Chorus) *see below

I'm letting go

There's nothing I own

The treasures I held

Just weighted down my soul

And there's nothing left

Inside of me

But a longing for You

And a longing to be the man that you need

(Chorus)

I let Your gifts take the place of you

But You pulled up my selfishness from its roots

I am a broken and fragile me

But I'm where You want me to be

(Chorus)

Lord complete me

'Cause I'm Yours completely

That's my prayer today!!

Working MY Program

It has been a week since I posted on gratitude and I am very thankful that I am still doing very well and very grateful for the progress I have made and am continuing to make. 

Over the past week I have been thinking about my recovery and what I feel is best for me. I had an epiphany last weekend and that is where I am now...trying to figure out what is "right" for me. What does MY program for recovery look like now? How do I need to change things to continue moving forward?

I did talk to a few people about this and I realized I need to be careful as most 12 steppers feel that if you "cut back" on meetings you might as well prepare for a relapse. I understand that many cannot and probably should not do that but I need to figure out what is best for me...not anyone else.

I am listening to my gut, instincts, heart....or most likely God on this one and I am not making any huge changes at this time. I did miss my meetings the past week and to be honest it was actually good for me. I got to spend time with one of my kids which was a much needed thing for both of us. I had a panic attack the night before I was to get up for a meeting and it took a lot out of me...rest was more important at that time. Self-care came first as for me lack of self-care can be worse than missing meetings when it comes to my addiction(s).

My program will continue to change as I change and my life changes and as I heal and grow. I think that should be the case for everyone because if nothing changes then nothing changes and change is what helps us grow.

I did make a chart for myself because there is a HUGE difference in last spring when I cut back on meetings and now. I am NOT quitting or giving up on recovery. I have NO desire to go back into any of my addictive/destructive behaviors (even though I know that the urges will come around and I need to be prepared). I don't plan to stop going to meetings just maybe go to some different ones see if something is a better fit or maybe just go to one a week. I am NOT backing off on my recovery/healing work. 

I DO plan to continue working recovery and healing. Use the tools I have learned and cont to learn on a regular basis. I DO plan to keep moving forward, keep growing in my relationship with God, have fun and enjoy life. I want to get back out in life and serve where God wants me to serve.

I want to create a life worth living not just survive. I want to keep changing to improve myself and my life. I am choosing to work MY program and do what is best for ME!!

Gratitude

The Thanksgiving weekend (4 days) is about over and so is the month of November. Crazy how time flies. It seems to me that people focus on being thankful around Thanksgiving or even the month of Nov. I believe being thankful/grateful/full of gratitude should be an every day occurrence.  That's my opinion.

I have been a bit reflective on the past 6 days or so since I posted about my struggling and looking back helping me to move forward posts. What has changed? Why now in better place? How long will this last? Thoughts and questions I ask myself.

I do know that one thing is my PERSPECTIVE on life and how I handle things. Looking back really helped me to be thankful for where I am at and grateful for what I have now. I am thankful for so many things that I would not be able to list them all here.

I've worked on tools to help me through some potentially difficult times and just being prepared helped and didn't even have to use many of the tools I prepared, but I was ready for anything.  I have worked on communicating with my husband on what I need and how to better handle my struggles. I have been confused over trying to listen to others (sponsor, recovery family, therapist) about things I maybe need to do for healing and what I feel it right. This is something I took to God in prayer and just told Him how confused I was and that brought me to my therapist and DBT skills...what would she say "what does your wise mind tell you?". So I sat down and worked that up using DBT skills and came up with what I felt was best for me using my wise mind (this is a Mindfulness skill) and then sat down with my husband and talked it over with him. He was in agreement over the "new" plan.

Things haven't been perfect but they never will be but I am very grateful that today (& the last 6 days) I have NOT been struggling in my addiction. I have had a mostly positive outlook (again not perfect) on life. I am working on staying in the present and not worrying about what's going to happen next or when will the bottom drop out (my mood plummet, my addictive thoughts come rushing back, etc....). This is not easy for me but so much better than a year ago, six months ago or even a week ago when things were not so good.

So for now I am trying to not over-analyze things (this is very difficult for me), work on self-care and what I need to do next and not a week from now. Working on what is 'right' for me in this journey of recovery and healing. Changing things as I go for what is needed at the time. Knowing that none of this is a "one size fits all" program and everyone is different in how they respond to different things. So for today I choose to be GRATEFUL/THANKFUL!!