Should I Tell or Not????

I was recently talking with a fellow sex addict about disclosure and thought that would be a good thing to talk about on here. I will be talking from my own experience and sources like therapy, books, intensive workshop & fellow sex addicts.

I have done 2 disclosures 6 years apart. The first was on my own, without the help of a therapist. I was afraid I was going to get caught and I was spinning out of control and just wanted out. I didn't want to tell my husband I just wanted help to stop and hopefully not have to tell him but he asked and it all came out.....everything and it sucked! I will NEVER forget that day and the look of pain in my husbands eyes. I answered every question he asked and had to keep answering for days, weeks and months later. I would say I gave too much information, at least that is how I feel from what I know now.

The 2nd disclosure was after I had gone to the Healing for Women workshop in Bethesda and I knew that it was going to have to happen but I didn't want to. I wanted to take it to my grave and I feared the end of my marriage (I did the first time but was told he wasn't going to leave and that if I did it again he would so this fear was even greater). I had a better therapist that told me that I didn't have to but if I really wanted an honest, intimate marriage I was going to have to tell him. I was hoping to get some sobriety and recovery under my belt before that happened but in a therapy session with my husband present he just looked at me and asked if there had been anyone in the prior 6 years (since 1st disclosure). I was working on being honest and knew that if I lied at that time then later told him the truth that would be worse than just being honest at that time....so I said yes. OUCH! I again had to see the pain in my husbands eyes, pain that I had caused.

Some things I learned since my first disclosure & what I tell others that ask is: 

1) if you want true intimacy in your marriage then a disclosure is a must...and it has to be a FULL disclosure not just what you want them to know or half truths

2) answer questions that they ask but if they want details about the act itself tell them that needs to be discussed in therapy

3) they need to know the nature of acting out (porn/masturbation, long term affairs, same sex, etc...)

4) how long it has been going on....months, years, entire marriage

5) how much money you have spent (if you know...as a woman I didn't think I spent any money because the men paid for hotel rooms but I learned I did spend money just in different ways)

6) consequences like pregnancy & abortion, STD's, loss of employment due to acting out at job

7) anyone they know.....the only names they need are people they know. 

8) if anytime you acted out in your home or bed

9) lies you have told to cover your acting out. Sometimes a partner feels crazy about all this and can wonder why they didn't see signs or maybe they did and didn't think that what you were doing was even possible....it is crazy making for them

Don't make excuses for your behavior. Don't try and blame the spouse for your behavior. Don't try and manipulate your spouse into forgiving you. Don't try and avoid any consequences. Don't try and control who your spouse tells, they need to have safe people to talk to for their healing.

Who NOT to tell...well that would be anyone that is not safe. You don't have to tell anyone other than your spouse (& support system). Talk with your therapist before disclosing to kids.

THEN comes the rebuilding TRUST!!! I think that will have to be in another blog as this one is long enough. I will say a couple quick things about this:

It is YOUR responsibility to be trustworthy! It is a process and takes time! And a quote (not sure who but something I got at the workshop)....

REBUILDING TRUST WILL TAKE LONGER THAN YOU WANT 

AND SHORTER THAN YOU DESERVE!!

Dealing with Triggers

Before I started this intensive part of my healing journey I didn't really know what my triggers were. I think I knew some of them but didn't label them as triggers. When I was at the workshop at Bethesda I had to write out some of my triggers. I had a few I could think of but have since learned that so many things trigger me and I am learning how to deal with those triggers.

What is a trigger? From my understanding is this is anything that STARTS the desire to medicate with the "drug" of choice. Many use the acronym H.A.L.T. (don't let yourself get too Hungry, Angry, Lonely or Tired) as being common among triggers. There are so many more that I could not list them all and people may have different things that trigger them.

For me stress & anxiety are high on the list. Being bored, lonely, tired, sick.....like I said LONG list. Then there are the visual reminders. As a sex addict I cannot "test" myself by watching or reading certain things. I can be triggered by being somewhere I have acted out or driving by somewhere I have acted out.


This is what happened to me the other day. I was driving home and was feeling hungry, tired & anxious when I drove past a hotel I met a guy at. Unfortunately this is a hotel I pass often and my husband knows about me being at this hotel so it can be a stress for both of us. Anyway, as I drove past I looked at the hotel and the memories came flooding in fast. I felt shame start to rise as I remembered what I had done. I quickly prayed and I can say I was praying out load in my car and I was praying hard because I didn't want these thoughts in my head.

I was able to let go of the shame then the thoughts turned a little to what was 'good' (if I could really say anything good came out of that encounter because there was NOTHING good about that). My mind (addict, satan....I tend to put the 2 together at times) wanted me to want something that was NOT good by trying to tell me there was something good about it. Again I prayed and then started listing all the GOOD things that being sober and NOT acting out has done for me.

I finally was able to get home and the thought/trigger was gone....or so I thought. Once I went to bed that night the thoughts assaulted me again. I was frustrated but prayed and was able to mindfully listen to music and fall asleep. The next morning I knew I had to get this stuff out of my head and fast. SO I told my husband. Since I didn't feel like I was going to or even wanted to act on the thoughts I felt safe to tell him. I also know that if I don't get them out of my head, the longer they are there the more power they have and then the possibility of me acting on them becomes more likely and I don't want that.

My husband was grateful I told him and we had a really good, very healing and intimate talk which brought us closer together. I was concerned of re-traumatizing him but he gave me grace and love. I am truly grateful for that.

I have been working on my recovery/healing and growing a lot there. I have been growing in my faith and relationship with God. I have been growing in my relationship with my husband and building a healthier, more intimate relationship with him. Satan doesn't like all this and I know that he will attack, especially in that area for me, I've had it happen before. 

Okay that was a recent trigger but I do get triggered a lot and pretty much all the time. So here are some things I do to help:


I stay connected with my husband & other people
I stay in God's Word & prayer
I work on self-care
I recognize the triggers and let them go
I AVOID triggers I know that I can avoid

I am sure I do other things but can't think of them right now. I know that after the trigger comes the ritual and that is another blog. If I am triggered I avoid going into any ritual because that is just the next step to acting out.

Triggers can't be completely avoided but they can be dealt with to create a healthy healing journey! 

Are You Connected?

A couple days ago I read an article on addiction and that there might be more to it than a hijack of the brain. It talks about human connection and isolation and how those may be the keys to addiction (why someone becomes addicted and others do not & how people overcome addictions many times without rehab). I will put a link to the article later, I did find it very interesting and a lot of it made sense to me so I wanted to talk about it and share my thoughts. I am not a doctor or a specialist I am just someone that has dealt with addictions. 

This article did get me thinking and words from SA's White Book kept coming to mind. In The Problem in SAWB it starts out by saying "Many of us felt inadequate, unworthy, ALONE and afraid.". Then a bit later, "Early on, we came to feel DISCONNECTED-". "Please CONNECT with me and make me whole!"

SA White Book but with
 the title on the cover

Just reading The Problem in the White Book is enough to know that for a sex addict our biggest problem is our feeling alone, isolated, like no one understands, wants us, we are unworthy of love.... We reach for connection the only way we know how. Many sex addicts were abused as children and kids need to feel safe to connect. As a sex addict I was abused and did not feel safe as a kid and still struggle with that feeling.

First come the fantasies. That is a way to escape and feel connected to something even though it is not real. Then it just spirals from there. Once we connect with others there seems to be something missing. The connection is not real, it cannot be real because we have become lost inside ourselves.

"We took from others to fill up what was lacking in ourselves" (SAWB). Intimacy is missing. Love is elusive even though it 'feels' like we love others we cannot know real love until we first learn to love ourselves.

The Solution (yes, that is the next page in the White Book). "Encouraged to continue, we turned more and more away from our ISOLATING obsession with sex and self and turned to GOD and OTHERS." We know that others have done this and we see that they have healing and that is what we want. The fellowship of other sex addicts help us, hold us accountable, a safe place to face ourselves for the first time. In the community of other addicts we begin to heal, grow and know that there is life without the chains of the addiction.

I know that I have cut back on meetings and that is good for me. I am going out and connecting with other people in healthy ways. My sponsor says that it's all about relationships. We go to meetings to learn how to have healthy relationships so we can go out in the world and live a life worth living....or better yet create a life worth living!

Link to article...HERE!! It is pretty interesting.

Over Sharing

Before I started this part of recovery 16+ months ago I did not tell my husband what was going on. I did do one disclosure 6 years before that time but during those 6 years I still hid my thoughts & behaviors from him.

One of the things I had to do for good, healthy healing was to be honest, with my husband (and myself).  So I went from NOT sharing my struggles to OVER sharing my struggles with my husband. I want to be honest with him and not hide or lie to him anymore. This is a boundary issue, I don't have good boundaries but I am learning.

With my recent struggles it has really caused a lot of distress in my husband and part of that is due to my over sharing my struggles.  Giving him more information than he needs or even wants.  I thought that was what he needed but I am learning....slowly at times.....that this is NOT healthy for either of us. I have a great sponsor, therapist and recovery family to share my struggles with.

So I have asked him what he really wants and he does want to know when I am struggling and then if he wants more than that he will ask but I still need to keep it simple with no details or anything.

Working to be honest but not over share is going to take some time and effort on my part as I am really working on being honest and building intimacy with my husband.