Gratitude

The Thanksgiving weekend (4 days) is about over and so is the month of November. Crazy how time flies. It seems to me that people focus on being thankful around Thanksgiving or even the month of Nov. I believe being thankful/grateful/full of gratitude should be an every day occurrence.  That's my opinion.

I have been a bit reflective on the past 6 days or so since I posted about my struggling and looking back helping me to move forward posts. What has changed? Why now in better place? How long will this last? Thoughts and questions I ask myself.

I do know that one thing is my PERSPECTIVE on life and how I handle things. Looking back really helped me to be thankful for where I am at and grateful for what I have now. I am thankful for so many things that I would not be able to list them all here.

I've worked on tools to help me through some potentially difficult times and just being prepared helped and didn't even have to use many of the tools I prepared, but I was ready for anything.  I have worked on communicating with my husband on what I need and how to better handle my struggles. I have been confused over trying to listen to others (sponsor, recovery family, therapist) about things I maybe need to do for healing and what I feel it right. This is something I took to God in prayer and just told Him how confused I was and that brought me to my therapist and DBT skills...what would she say "what does your wise mind tell you?". So I sat down and worked that up using DBT skills and came up with what I felt was best for me using my wise mind (this is a Mindfulness skill) and then sat down with my husband and talked it over with him. He was in agreement over the "new" plan.

Things haven't been perfect but they never will be but I am very grateful that today (& the last 6 days) I have NOT been struggling in my addiction. I have had a mostly positive outlook (again not perfect) on life. I am working on staying in the present and not worrying about what's going to happen next or when will the bottom drop out (my mood plummet, my addictive thoughts come rushing back, etc....). This is not easy for me but so much better than a year ago, six months ago or even a week ago when things were not so good.

So for now I am trying to not over-analyze things (this is very difficult for me), work on self-care and what I need to do next and not a week from now. Working on what is 'right' for me in this journey of recovery and healing. Changing things as I go for what is needed at the time. Knowing that none of this is a "one size fits all" program and everyone is different in how they respond to different things. So for today I choose to be GRATEFUL/THANKFUL!!

Over Sharing

Before I started this part of recovery 16+ months ago I did not tell my husband what was going on. I did do one disclosure 6 years before that time but during those 6 years I still hid my thoughts & behaviors from him.

One of the things I had to do for good, healthy healing was to be honest, with my husband (and myself).  So I went from NOT sharing my struggles to OVER sharing my struggles with my husband. I want to be honest with him and not hide or lie to him anymore. This is a boundary issue, I don't have good boundaries but I am learning.

With my recent struggles it has really caused a lot of distress in my husband and part of that is due to my over sharing my struggles.  Giving him more information than he needs or even wants.  I thought that was what he needed but I am learning....slowly at times.....that this is NOT healthy for either of us. I have a great sponsor, therapist and recovery family to share my struggles with.

So I have asked him what he really wants and he does want to know when I am struggling and then if he wants more than that he will ask but I still need to keep it simple with no details or anything.

Working to be honest but not over share is going to take some time and effort on my part as I am really working on being honest and building intimacy with my husband.

Looking Back

I read a lot that says to NOT look back on the past. Without the past how can we learn to not repeat it? In the 12 promises in the AA Big Book is says "we will not regret the past nor wish to shut the door on it". I have gotten to that point in my recovery.

So with my recent struggles I decided to take a look back at my journals to last spring when I took a spiral down and ended up dealing with a slip that was a bit more costly than others.  I wanted to see if I am dealing with the same behaviors that preceded the spring slip and if so what I need to do to stop so I don't go back down that path. It was also good to read about my slip and the aftermath of pain, shame and despair. Reminds of where I've been and that I don't want to go back there.

Here is the list of what I was doing/feeling then that is the same for what I am dealing with now:

Feeling overwhelmed                                              
Feeling really down on myself, low self-esteem
Isolation                                                                  
Loneliness
Feeling like I don't really have anyone to talk to
Pressure of sobriety date
Intrusive (obsessive) sex dreams                        
Intrusive (obsessive) fantasies
Intrusive (obsessive) thoughts                            
Not having enough structure
Poor self-care                                                      
Not feeling well physically
Not eating good                                                  
Wanting connection
Struggles in marriage                                          
Saying things like "I'm a mess", "I'm a failure"
Self hatred                                                          
High anxiety
Depressed mood                                                      
Lots of stress
Having the push/pull....good girl/bad girl.....want to/don't want to

Just one of those can/should be a huge RED FLAG. To have a list that long from the spring to be the same now is scary.

On a positive note last spring I had cut back on my recovery....now I have actually increased my recovery work.  I was taking a little break from working the steps....now I go back over any step I need to, like step 1-powerless, 3-turning my will & life over to God, 6 & 7-looking at any defects and praying about them (I could go on but I think you get the point).  I was cutting back the meetings to no more than 1 a week....now I am try and go to more if I can (sometimes I just can't but I will plan other positive activities to replace).  So there are differences.  Plus I have been working recovery longer, working on trauma healing, have had a Spiritual Awakening and have had good recovery so right now I am just a bit upside down and just need to take the steps needed to get righted.

Also looking back really helped me see the pain that I DO NOT WANT TO REPEAT!!!  So for today I am doing the next right thing. One day at a time for the next 24 hours I commit to sobriety & recovery.

Struggling

Lately I have been struggling and I don't like it.

I have been over stressed, high anxiety and feeling a loss of control. I have been escaping into fantasy as that is not something I have to reset my sobriety for. Fantasy is easy, quick and takes me anywhere I want to go and no one has to know.  For me this is just a step down the hill that can lead to a slip or full blown relapse.  Also, the more I entertain the fantasies the closer I get to potentially acting out one of them.  The more I go into these fantasies the more discontent, isolated and depressed I become.  For me fantasy is NOT healthy or helpful.  It is a true escape and a way to numb/medicate to not feel.

It would be easy to just keep all this to myself as it has led to more behaviors that have started me down the path to really messing up but "we are as sick as our secrets" as the AA Big Book puts it.  So keeping what's in my head there will just eventually come out in a very bad way.  It has happened before and I really don't want it to happen again.

I do feel like at times I am in a battle with my addict.  Trying to control her feels like trying to bathe a cat (one that doesn't like water).  I'm not going to win and if I keep trying to control her I am going to get hurt (and in my case so will my husband).  I told my therapist I just need to get control of my thoughts then quickly rephrased that to NO I need to surrender my thoughts. Huge difference.



At the last meeting I went to I was open and honest with my recovery family and told them where I am and that I have been struggling.  Rigorous Honesty.  Thankfully that is a very safe place to do that.  I have also been honest with my husband.  I don't tell him everything but I do tell him I am struggling and he can ask how exactly.  This helps build intimacy with him.

Over the last 16+ months in intense recovery I have had a few slips but no real relapse (I learned there really is a difference) and I am doing what I can to prevent either from happening again.  I just have to keep "getting out of my head".

Cards you've been dealt

I was going to post something different but as I got to the end I had typed out that line...these are the cards I have been dealt....and that made me think of this video.  I love this video and it is worth watching.

I am learning to be okay with the cards I have been dealt.  To know that they are ALL part of my story or like he said in the video God's story.  Something I needed to be reminded of today as it has been a rough day and I have been a little upset at God.

Time to surrender that...........

Insanity!

Sometimes I feel like I am just riding a roller coaster and I want to get off.

It feels like a never ending ride with so many ups and downs, twists and turns that I feel dizzy and sick to my stomach.  Sometimes it's good and fun, other times it feels like hell on earth.

I Love this quote!!

Pretty much sums it up.  I tend to keep doing the same things over and over hoping for a different result.  I am working to do things differently so that I will get different results.  In many areas of my life I think I am doing that but in some it feels like nothing changes.  When things I want to change do not I feel hopeless.  When things I want to stay the same change I feel out-of-control.  

In SA's 2nd step it says Came to believe that a Power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity.  For me that Power is God and I am willing to believe that God can restore me to sanity.  Now what is that?

Sane (& Sanity)--from merriam-websters.com

: having a healthy mind : able to think normally

: based on reason or good judgment : rational or sensible

I want a healthy mind and to have good judgment.  I can see where in my addiction I do not have those things.  Good judgment goes out the window very quickly.

I realize I have been having a rough time over the last couple months.  I want healing and recovery.  I am exhausted and want to give up.  I want freedom from the thoughts yet I am afraid that giving them ALL up, letting go I won't know who I am and I will have to feel things I am afraid to feel.  THAT feels like insanity to me.

In May 2013 (before I started intense recovery and went to workshop) I wrote out a poem (sort of) in my journal that reflects these feelings.

"I am a small child in an adult body

I am trapped in a life I don't live but just survive

I fight to be the best I can only to fail-over and over

I am sad, lonely, bored, confused, I don't know who I am!

I don't fit in anywhere-don't know where I belong

I am trapped by my thoughts, controlled by the "demons" inside me

I am NOT possessed by demons because Christs lives in me

I want to be better, I want to be well, I want to be FREE....

but I am scared to death.  

For what I need to be freed from is ALL I know 

and as much as I hate it, it is safety, comfortable, it gives me--me!

Without it I am.....

NOTHING!!

I don't exist..........."

That is my "roller coaster" life before recovery started and at times (many times, like now) it still feels that way.  Today is a struggle and I am taking one moment at a time to get through.  I just can't stop, got to keep moving forward even if it is very slow right now.

Dealing with Trauma

I'll keep this short as I have a busy day plus I do not feel well today.

As I share my journey trauma will come up a lot. This is difficult and one of the reasons I am keeping my name out.  Also the fact that with my addiction I have had affairs on my husband and I am willing to tell anyone everything BUT the affairs.

The trauma is difficult as my childhood appeared normal or maybe even ideal to many.  People just have no idea what goes on behind closed doors.  I also love my parents and have no intention of dragging them through this or even hurting them.  I have empathy for them and even though I have to practice healthy boundaries and some detachment with them I still do not wish them any harm in any way.

There is also trauma/abuse from early in my marriage I have to deal with.  Again I do not wish to hurt my husband (I have already done enough damage there).  Thankfully he knows and has taken responsibility for his abuse early in our marriage.

Over the last 16 months (more so the last year) I have worked the 12 steps in SA, have gone through one round of DBT (Dialectical Behavior Therapy), Emotional Focused Couples Therapy (EFT)=(still in that process) AND working Trauma work through Somatic Experiencing (SE).  That is a LOT of work!! So I am working on healing my inner child, re-parenting myself and a lot of stuff that right now feels a little overwhelming.

Not sure if it is because I don't feel well (possibly dealing with a cold) or if it is because I had a painful flashback last night then more crazy dreams along with sex dreams.  Sleep is an issue for me due to all that.  I don't get good restful sleep and so far no meds have really helped.

So for today I am just taking one moment at a time to feel and heal.  To do some good self-care.  I have a couple appointments today otherwise I would curl up with my bear and sleep (and likely cry).

Feeling is Healing!!  It is very painful to go through but if I want to be better then I have to continue feeling these yucky feelings.

This First 4 Months

Don't freak out by the title, I can summarize it pretty quickly....I believe.  

It was very difficult.  I finally got sober by SA's definition (no sex with self or anyone other than the spouse) but I wasn't really getting "progressive victory over lust" yet.  So, looking back I was "technically" sober and also realized I was a "dry drunk" as AA puts it.

As a female in meetings with all men it was difficult to find a sponsor so I could get working on the 12 steps.  I called SA's central office, got numbers for women from all over the country and made calls....LOTS of calls.  I got a lot of "good luck" and "no, can't help you" but one gal did try and help but she would basically tell me to look up the step and see what works for me and do it then call her.  I had no idea what to do with that since I had never worked the steps.  So getting help from women was not working.

I was however getting help from the men in my meetings.  Many were giving me numbers of therapists (I already had one but they thought it might help), giving me advise about calling the central office and encouraging me to not give up.  

Also during this time I had to do another disclosure with my husband.  It caught me off guard as I didn't want to for fear of losing him but he asked during a counseling session and if I was going to be honest and keep being honest I couldn't lie anymore (lying is something I have done all my life so this honesty thing was new).  So I was honest.  That was not easy.  This was the 2nd disclosure I had made to my husband.  The first had been 6 years earlier without the help of a therapist but with the prompting of the therapist.  To admit to my husband that I had been unfaithful, was addicted to porn, masturbation & fantasy was awful.  I will NEVER forget the pain on his face.  I never wanted to see that again.  Then last year when I had to do a second disclosure I saw it again.  I had been unfaithful in the 6 years since my first disclosure and as much as I didn't want to tell him I knew it was the only way to healing and to have a close, honest, intimate relationship with him....as long as he stayed with me.  He has thank God!!

I also had to do some house cleaning as far as getting rid of clothes and "toys".  I put an accountability program on my laptop (see previous post here) and started sending it with my husband to work everyday so I didn't even have the temptation.  Again not so fun.  I didn't think I would care but it was sad to let go of things that were a part of my life, even if only a short time (the toys I had only had a short time).

Many times I wanted to give up.  I felt like I was never going to get the help I needed.  I was never going to get better and I felt sad, lonely and depressed most of the time.  I did get help from one of the men in my meetings.  He helped me do my 1st step.  I did get 3 months of sobriety then lost it.  I was feeling pretty hopeless a lot of the time.  I wanted to go back....back to before I went to treatment.  Back to my "old" way of life.  Back to my "safety" (see last post here).

I had tried another female temporary sponsor but that didn't work out.  I did meet a gal who is now one of my very best friends and I am honored to be her sponsor.

Finally, after months of working my a$$ off to get help and find a sponsor I was encouraged to ask the men in my group as some had sponsored women before and might again.  So the end of Nov 2013 I asked one of the guys and he said he would be my temp sponsor.  Now almost a year later he is my sponsor and has been a HUGE help in helping me get to where I am.

NEVER GIVE UP!!!

Growth or Safety?

I saw this and just had to share.  As a recovering sex addict and also working on healing my inner child there are days I just want to run back into the safety that is my addiction or any other self-destructive behaviors that have helped me cope through the years.




Some days are easier than others.  I feel like I "step" forward into growth but I RUN back into safety. I am learning and it is a slow process at times and other times I may take a few steps forward.  As long as I am moving in the right direction....forward into growth and healing/recovery then that is all that matters.



Growth is painful.  Remember when you were growing up and you would get pains in your legs and your mom or dad would tell you it was just growing pains?  Growth in recover and healing is also painful both physically and emotionally.  That is why it is so difficult and why many RUN back into safety.



Safety is suppose to be, well safe....RIGHT?  Not always!  I'll speak for myself here and say that for me life has never really felt safe.  People have not been safe and so safety for me was to escape into whatever I needed to for survival.  These could be anywhere from fantasizing (both sexual and non sexual ones), sex, drugs, alcohol, and a host of other things that are too long to list here.  Safety for me was anything to NOT feel, to NOT think, to NOT be.

I am learning what healthy safety is.  Who is safe.  How to stay safe with boundaries and using that little, very difficult word...NO.  I'm learning who I can trust and who I cannot trust.

So as I continue to step forward into growth I am working to not step back into my old safe behaviors but learning to feel safe in my healthy growth. One step at a time.  One day at a time.

The First Week

I decided to pull out my journals and see what I was feeling back in July 2013.  This is the start of the first entry the day after I arrived home from the workshop:

"Being home is rough. I have gotten discouraged, sad, lonely and fear.  I have gone in denial thinking I don't really have a problem &/or thinking I can just do this on my own. Both of which I know are untrue."

I didn't think I would come home and everything would be great but it was a HUGE adjustment getting back into life knowing what I had learned over the last week.  

Before I left I had written out a plan for when I got home.  It was things I needed to do to help with recovery.  I think that first day I just wanted to sleep and watch TV.

Entry from second day being back:

"Yest was rough.  I don't know how to get back into life.  I don't know what to do....I'm lost and confused.  Feeling lonely & sad makes me want to seek to fill those empty spots well the emptiness inside me.  I HATE my life right not (well most of it anyway).  I NEED support, I NEED others that know & understand what I am going through."

Later that day I realized I needed to find a meeting and so I started making calls.  I got a call back for the meeting place for Sexaholics Anonymous (SA) and so I put that on my calendar to attend the first meeting available to me.  I had chosen SA when I was at the workshop for the fact that they have a clear sobriety definition and that is something I needed (still need).  I also made some calls but still felt very alone.  I felt very confused and sad.  I was also very scared about going into a meeting that was likely going to be mostly men if not all men.  Not because I was scared for my safety but because men are my drug of choice. 

The day of the SA meeting I was so nervous that I did "medicate" with porn and masturbation and that helped "numb" me so that I could get to the meeting.  I remember that I was very careful about what I was wearing.  Usually I would dress to be noticed by men and now I was working to dress to NOT be noticed by men.  Trying to find the right clothes did take some effort.  I realized I was going to have to change a lot of my wardrobe.  It was summer and I made sure I wore jeans, t-shirt and took a jacket in case my shirt was a little too tight.

Once I arrived I felt like I could vomit (I didn't, thank God) and was welcomed without question.  I was the only woman in a small, very warm room with men in shorts and me sweating from making sure I was "over dressed".  I do remember that once in there I knew I was exactly where I was meant to be and that I would be back.  I felt completely safe and not judged at all.  I didn't share much but that was okay.  I did get a phone list and a meeting list so that I would know when all the meetings were and numbers to call if I needed help.

I did have my husband pray with me before I left for the meeting.  That helped.  To this day I still cont to pray for the meetings and my recovery family.

So to sum up, my first week back was rough.  I didn't do well with sobriety.  I did get to an SA meeting (which I still go to at least once a week with 2 meetings being my regular and more if needed).  Had a therapy appointment.  Dealt with feelings of not knowing how I felt about my marriage which is for a different time but I knew I loved my husband just didn't know how I felt about him, life, me and our marriage.  It was not the worst week of my life but it was not easy.

I was hoping things would get better quickly but knew that it was likely to get worse before it got better.  It did but it has gotten better, a lot better since then.

The Start of this Journey

As I said in my first post this journey of healing started in July 2013 but I am going to go back just a little bit.  It was in May of 2013 when I was spiraling into my addiction and told my therapist.  She recommended a book.  I got it and read it.  It was very eye opening, difficult to read at times but more helpful than I ever thought.  This book is called No Stones:  Women Redeemed from Sexual Addiction by Marnie Ferree.  I highly recommend this book.  My husband read it this year (about 6 months after I did) and it was very helpful for him also.  I read it in June 2013 before going to the intensive workshop.

 I then went to the intensive workshop in July 2013.  Once I signed up I freaked out about going.  I was going to be away from home, away from my husband, with complete strangers and dealing with stuff I was not sure I wanted to deal with.  Add in that is was in another state and I don't fly well.

Through the years I have had many different mental health diagnosis.  Some more accurate than others but after I started down this healing road I was told that pretty much all the diagnosis that I have been given and everything I deal with mentally falls under PTSD. I have learned that it is more a Complex-PTSD and this is not in the DSM-IV or V really so I just get the PTSD part.  After hearing this more things started to make sense but I'll get to that later.

My anxiety was extreme to the point that my loving husband drove me for hours to the workshop, flew home the next day then flew back to drive me back home.  The workshop I went to was Bethesda Workshops Healing for Women (http://www.bethesdaworkshops.org/).  They also have a Healing for Men and for Partners.  

That first day was crazy and I just remember having to turn over my cell phone and being told that even though we didn't want to be there that day that by the end we won't want to leave.  I did not think that would be the case.

This is a very intense workshop but the amount of information, the time spent learning and growing, the care and compassion of everyone that was involved was amazing.  I knew that first day that I was indeed a sex addict.  By the last day I did not want to leave.  Marnie was right.  I just wanted to stay there with everyone I had just met.  Where I was safe.  Where these other ladies knew my ugly secrets and still cared.  I was scared to go back home and back to real life.

I prayed a lot, cried a lot and hugged a lot.  I wasn't sure how things were going to play out once I got home.  Only a few people even knew where I was.  Only a few know that I am a sex addict. My family doesn't know, my friends do not know.  I have one friend that knows everything and my husband.  So I felt like I was coming home to a new, strange different world.  I knew that I was going to have to get into a sex addicts 12 step meeting.  I knew I was ready for this journey and it was not going to be easy but it was time.  I was scared, no terrified is more like it.

Filter vs Accountability Program

I should start by saying that one of my issues is porn addiction.  I first remember viewing porn at the age of 5 (magazine) and then later it was magazines and VHS tapes.  Once we got the internet it just got worse.

My husband and I put filters on all our computers when our kids were at an age we felt they needed protection.  For me this was just a little challenge to see how quickly I could "get around" the filter.  It was very easy for me so I knew that our kids didn't have any trouble since they knew more about computers than I did.  

I do think filters are a great thing and I am not saying don't use them I am just telling how things have worked, or not worked for me.  For some filters work great.

After I returned from my intensive workshop I looked at filters and accountability programs to put on my laptop.  I realized the acct. program would be the best option for me because I know me and I know that filters do not work for me.

I have had the acct program on my laptop for about 15 months now and my cell phone for just over a year.  I didn't put it on my phone because I had never used my phone for porn.  I did use my iPad but once my husband found out he sold it.  I ended up putting it on my phone when it was all I had to use to get to porn.  So after that I put the program on it.

For me the accountability program works.  I know that my acct partners will get alerts if I get on anything that I shouldn't and that includes texts, apps, emails.....even this blog could send out an alert due to the words I am using in here.  They also know that if I shut the program off then I am not doing it for any good reason and to check in.

I find that not only do I not look at porn but I am careful about what sites I go to and even links that could have any little thing that would send an alert.  That is how this has helped me.  I do watch for key words that could send an alert and if I think it will I will not click on the site.  I feel that it is helping me avoid even the "little" things that can trigger me to go even further.

It has been just over a year since I last looked at porn and that is a huge victory for me.  I told my husband that I think the last time I went a year without porn was probably the year before we got the internet and I don't even know if that is accurate.

I am thankful for my accountability program and for my acct partners, all part of what helps keep me sober (at least in that area).

Link to website for the program I use is: https://secure.accountable2you.com/

Learning to use my voice

One thing that I am learning is to speak up for myself.  To have a voice which is something new for me.  I grew up not being heard.  What I had to say didn't matter, I didn't matter. Now in my 40's I have to learn to speak up, use my voice, say no.  These are all very difficult for me as I still have the fear of what others think or how they feel.  Will they hate me if I say no?  Will I be bullied if I stand up for myself?  Will anyone still like me or care about me if I speak up for myself?

This is all new and I am learning.  I had to do that today.  I had to tell someone that I was unable to continue working for them.  This person is a friend and I really tried and it had less to do with them and more to do with the fact that I still am working on learning how to have good self-care.

Thankfully I had a lot of support from others and this person appeared to take it well.  My problem is I walked away concerned that I hurt their feelings or what others might think in the office.  These are things I have to surrender and let go of.

Now on to some rest and good self-care.

**On a side note you will notice that I will be going back and forth from early in my healing journey and what is going on now.  I wish I had started this in the beginning but I guess I was not ready.

 

The Start of this Healing Journey

I would like to say this started years ago and maybe to some degree it did but for me the "real" journey started in July 2013. 

After spiraling in May and June of 2013 my therapist suggested a treatment place for female sex addicts.  I had been told years ago that I was a sex addict but didn't really want to believe it or just in denial.

I talked it over with my husband and we decided this would be a good idea.  So early July 2013 I left for an intensive workshop for female sex addicts.  For me this is when my true recovery and healing began.

It was a short 4 days but I was cut off from everyone except the other ladies in the workshop.  In those 4 days I learned why my addiction started and that there was hope.  I learned that there are safe people in this world.  I learned that healing comes with honesty.  I learned that I was NOT alone in this.  For the first time in my life I was with complete strangers telling them about the ugly side of me and they accepted me and did not judge me.

That was 16 months ago and as difficult as this journey has been so far it has been the best thing I have done.  I am learning to love myself.  To set good healthy boundaries.  To take care of me, which is something I never learned.

I should add that this is a spiritual journey and being a believer that has helped a lot.  I have had a distorted view of God and am learning the truth.  I am thankful that I have a God that loves me and that has been with me this entire time.  I see His hand in my journey all the time.

I am also thankful for my very loving husband.  He has been through a lot having to hear and learn of things that have hurt him terribly.  I am thankful he has stayed with me.  Looking back I now know that it was after my first disclosure (yes there have been more than one) to him is when I really felt what true unconditional love was/is.  I didn't know it then but I know it now.

For the sake of privacy and protection of my family and friends I am not using my real name or the names of anyone else.  If any name is used it will not be the persons real name.  I have chosen Hope because for the first time in July 2013 I felt real hope for my future. 

If you have stuck with me this far, thank you.  I do hope you return as I will go back and share from the start.  This will help me to remember where I was and how far I have come and hopefully will help others to see that there is hope for all who suffer.

Until next time......