Sometimes I Forget

Last night I was reminded of the pain that my husband still feels from my infidelity. He has been stressed and feeling "out-of-sorts" (his words not mine) and after telling me about work stress he went on to tell me his fears of hearing again that I had been unfaithful. OUCH!!

Sometimes I forget that he is still hurting or that the pain is (and always will be) there. It has been years, many years since I have acted outside my marriage and it is something I would take back, undo, never do.....the grass is NOT greener. 

As the years have gone on and as I have been working on recovery and healing it will, at times feel like a really bad dream. My husband is a wonderful man that loves me unconditionally and because of his love and care for me I tend to forget his pain.

In my mind, infidelity is the ultimate betrayal in a marriage. My husband feels like God prepared him for hearing the first disclosure but it is a trauma to him and something he will never forget.

With his recent stress and feeling down the thoughts of me having time on my hands and potentially going out on him again created more fear. He knows he can't control it, didn't cause it and can't cure it. I have been doing very well lately and not going to as many meetings and he sees the good but then got very concerned about that.

All I could do was listen, validate his feelings and let him know that even though my words don't mean much I did want to reassure him that I am doing very well. I have no desire to go out on him again (as I said the grass is NOT greener). I love him and I was glad he opened up to me about this. He did say that it helped to hear that and what I say does matter to him.

Although this is difficult to hear I am glad that he was able to open up to me about his feelings. I have to keep rebuilding the trust, that's my job. Hopefully as time goes on the pain won't be as bad (he has said it usually is not as bad but some days hits hard). I hate that I have hurt him so much and wish I could take it away but I can't.

WHY???

Merry Christmas Eve!!

I thought I would talk a little about the last 6 days and the struggles I have been having. Thankfully not so much on the sex addiction part although the thought had come to mind but I was able to let it go pretty easily. That is progress and I am thankful for that.


I over-think, over-analyze and just make things much worse than they are....in my mind. I want to know WHY things happen and WHY I have the thoughts and feelings I do. My therapist tells me that asking WHY is like a 3 year old and it will drive me nuts just like when kids do the "why, why, why???". Yep, that can drive any parent a little nuts when we hear that over and over.



For me it was easier to be patient with my kids (I was not in any way perfect at this just easier than being patient with myself). I am having to re-parent myself and this can be very difficult at times, like when I want to know WHY and I want to know NOW!! I have been working on NOT asking WHY but just letting things BE.

I know that the holidays stress me and I feel like I have been doing very well on that front. No major depression, not acting out in my addiction or any other self-destructive behaviors. Being around extended family can create trauma triggers, reaction and I am working on recognizing and working through those. My husband has been very stressed and I am working to not take on his stress. The weather is just gloomy, cloudy and dark more than light. I don't have SAD (seasonal affective disorder) but I think that these short gloomy days can affect anyone.

I have felt a little more detached and not the happy me that I was a week ago and I don't like that. I want that feeling back. It takes a little more work but I am getting back there. I know that I can't be happy all the time and I am okay with that I just think I need to know WHY and I don't. It's all part of this journey and I just need do what I can for self-care.
  

Yesterday I needed to cry and it took me arguing with my husband over stupid things to get to the point that I broke down and cried. I was then tired and able to feel connected, to myself and others. I got my bear and took a nap. I woke and felt reset. Not that things will be perfect but to feel better and re-connected to myself & my husband especially is a much better feeling.

I again am thankful for what I have learned about myself over the last several days and things I will do differently in the future to help me be a better me and healthier me. This is a journey and it won't be over until the Good Lord takes me home. 

I am looking forward to Christmas and the New Year. 

I hope everyone has a very Merry Christmas!!

Working the 12 Steps

I have worked all 12 steps and (personally) feel that everyone could benefit from going through them at least once even if they don't have an addiction. I also don't feel (and this might upset some) that they are the answer for everyone nor do I feel like that is why I am in the place I am now. I do feel that they have helped and I will continue to work on them as needed but a lot of them, in my opinion are really common sense and as someone with faith in God they are also the work a Christian should be doing anyway. I am not trying to undermine the 12 step program and I know for many that has been their life saver. I am saying that, for me recovery has been a LOT more than working the steps.

All that said I want to talk about my 12 step journey. It started when I went to Bethesda workshop and that is where I was introduced to the 12 steps. There we pretty much did steps 1-3 and in my opinion a little work on step 4 as I used stuff I did at the workshop to do my step 4.

Once I was home I needed to get to meetings, get a sponsor and start working the steps. That was my thought and I was determined to do that. As I have said before this was not an easy undertaking for me due to being the only female (most of the time) in meetings for a while. I had made calls to women all over the country but that is in an earlier post.

Finally one of the guys wanted to help me at least get my step 1 done so he helped me after a meeting to get me started. Doing a step 1 in SA is a lot different than in AA. In fact all the steps are worked differently in SA and in more detail than in AA. I have never done steps in AA so that was to my benefit.

He gave me, I think 3 weeks to get my 1st step written (this was a summary of my story, the story that brought me to SA and recovery, powerlessness & unmanageable) and it was to be no more than 3 pages and I was going to read it to the group. YIKES!!! Talk about being transparent.

SA step 1. We admitted that we were powerless over lust--that our lives had become unmanageable.

I wrote it out, asked a gal in another state to read it before I read it to the men in my meeting. She was less than helpful and I felt betrayed to say the least. She agreed to help then after reading it told me every reason she did not believe in sharing 1st steps in meetings and that it was triggering to her yet she did not tell me what was triggering to her. She did apologize a few weeks later but I have never talked to her again.

So after getting permission to read it I did and it was freeing. After I read my 1st step I then got feedback from the group which was nice. I have heard many 1st steps and to be honest I like hearing them and to me it helps to be that transparent and honest and it helps others to know they are not alone. I don't think it should be pushed on anyone nor do I feel like everyone should do this, it really has to be your choice. I really didn't feel like I had a choice then as I was so new and learning so for me I was still in the "doing what I was told" & "doing what I am suppose to do" stage. That's okay. I don't regret doing it.

SA step 2. Came to believe that a Power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity.
SA step 3. Made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God as we understood Him.

Those steps were easier. I already had/have a strong faith in God so turning my life over to Him...well I have done that. I like the short first 3 steps in a Christian way:

Step 1 I can't

Step 2 He can

Step 3 I'll let Him

Very simple but the 12 step program is a simple program just not easy.

So that is all for now I will later talk about my journey through the rest of the steps as that took more time and energy and some very difficult things to get through. Until next time......

Addiction Recovery and the Holiday Season

I know that we are in the middle of the holiday season but I wanted to share how as a sex addict I have handled things in the past and how I am doing this year. I think I have said this before but as a sex addict my go to's have been mostly porn, masturbation and fantasy so I will be talking about them.

Stress is huge for me this time of year. Shopping, family gatherings, dealing with family in general, along with many other things. When I have been stressed in the past I would turn to my addictive and self-destructive behaviors to deal with, or numb out so I didn't have to "feel" for a bit. These were my 'old' ways to cope and I know that they can still pop up so I have to be alert. Last year during this time I struggled a lot to stay sober, I had used porn & masturbation in early Nov 2013 but was able to avoid those through the rest of the season. I did use other self-destructive behaviors because I didn't want to reset my sobriety date. This is not real recovery/healing, it's just swapping.

This year I have had some stresses and I have been able to handle them....sober. This is a really good feeling. So far I have not felt the need to act out sexually to handle any of the stresses that come my way. I work to stay in the present and only deal with what is right in front of me. I do have to think about shopping and family get together's but I can do the shopping with my husband and in short bits. I know when the family gatherings are so I just have them on the calendar and so far have used the skills I have learned to get through them. I usually plan the day before or a couple days before so that I have everything I need to get through family gatherings in a healthy, skillful way. I can then come home and not feel like acting out to cope.

Self-care has been very important to help me use my skills. Staying in contact with my recovery family helps and having a constant contact with God. I know the season is not over and anything can happen but so far I feel pretty good about how I have been handling the stresses as they come up. 

It really does work and I am really starting to like the 'new' me. Hoping and praying that this will be my new normal for the years to come.

Change....I Want It To Last!!

With this being the holiday season I am happy to say that this year I am doing pretty good so far. Usually I hate this time of year and just want to hide (hibernate). I feel that most of why I am handling life right now is due to all the hard work I have put in over the last year plus and the changes I have made in myself.

A recent change is my sense of feeling empowered. This is new to me and as I have said that several times to my therapist I realized yesterday while talking with a friend just what that meant to me.

Most of my life I have felt powerless. Abuse will do that, especially child abuse. Feeling powerless and having no voice and no say, that anything I said, felt or needed did not matter, led me to have a need to control things and people. Also, with feeling powerless I found myself unable to make decisions driven by fear of making the wrong ones.

With the skills learned over the last year, I have made decisions over the last several weeks that were my own and felt really good about them. Some I had to discuss with my husband as they involved him but he was on board and I didn't try and control the situation just brought my thoughts and was open to hearing his.

This empowerment has led me to not have that need to control people or things. I can let go and that is really freeing. To make decisions and feel good about them even if they are not the best, that's okay. Letting go of this need has given me power and freedom that is beyond words. I can just be me!!

I like this change in me and believe I am growing emotionally from the wounded child into the adult I want to be.

Completely

Right after I had "righted" myself on Nov 25th I heard a song on the radio that I had heard many times but this time I really listened to the words. It is one of my favorites now (I have many). I woke this morning singing it so I wanted to share. I can relate to these lyrics all too well. This is Completely by Among The Thirsty (Christian band/song). Here is the youtube link for the song

I'm feeling so small

Standing here weeping

As I'm coming clean

Of the secrets I'm keeping

I've caused so much pain

To the ones I love the most

And I'm falling apart

As I carry my heart to Your throne

(Chorus) *see below

I'm letting go

There's nothing I own

The treasures I held

Just weighted down my soul

And there's nothing left

Inside of me

But a longing for You

And a longing to be the man that you need

(Chorus)

I let Your gifts take the place of you

But You pulled up my selfishness from its roots

I am a broken and fragile me

But I'm where You want me to be

(Chorus)

Lord complete me

'Cause I'm Yours completely

That's my prayer today!!

Working MY Program

It has been a week since I posted on gratitude and I am very thankful that I am still doing very well and very grateful for the progress I have made and am continuing to make. 

Over the past week I have been thinking about my recovery and what I feel is best for me. I had an epiphany last weekend and that is where I am now...trying to figure out what is "right" for me. What does MY program for recovery look like now? How do I need to change things to continue moving forward?

I did talk to a few people about this and I realized I need to be careful as most 12 steppers feel that if you "cut back" on meetings you might as well prepare for a relapse. I understand that many cannot and probably should not do that but I need to figure out what is best for me...not anyone else.

I am listening to my gut, instincts, heart....or most likely God on this one and I am not making any huge changes at this time. I did miss my meetings the past week and to be honest it was actually good for me. I got to spend time with one of my kids which was a much needed thing for both of us. I had a panic attack the night before I was to get up for a meeting and it took a lot out of me...rest was more important at that time. Self-care came first as for me lack of self-care can be worse than missing meetings when it comes to my addiction(s).

My program will continue to change as I change and my life changes and as I heal and grow. I think that should be the case for everyone because if nothing changes then nothing changes and change is what helps us grow.

I did make a chart for myself because there is a HUGE difference in last spring when I cut back on meetings and now. I am NOT quitting or giving up on recovery. I have NO desire to go back into any of my addictive/destructive behaviors (even though I know that the urges will come around and I need to be prepared). I don't plan to stop going to meetings just maybe go to some different ones see if something is a better fit or maybe just go to one a week. I am NOT backing off on my recovery/healing work. 

I DO plan to continue working recovery and healing. Use the tools I have learned and cont to learn on a regular basis. I DO plan to keep moving forward, keep growing in my relationship with God, have fun and enjoy life. I want to get back out in life and serve where God wants me to serve.

I want to create a life worth living not just survive. I want to keep changing to improve myself and my life. I am choosing to work MY program and do what is best for ME!!