Thanks For Sharing

Update:  It's been a while since I last blogged......
I was depressed and hoping changes would help. They didn't or maybe they did a little but other stresses created more issues. Instead of feeling better I just slipped further into depression. My anxiety has been high. I don't like this. I used to masturbate to help my anxiety and now I can't (not best word but going to use it for now). I am coming up on 1 yr of sobriety (in just over 6 weeks), I really don't want to mess that up AND it would only be a temporary help that could create long term problems.

I watched the movie Thanks For Sharing recently. It is a movie about sex addiction. I didn't watch it when it first came out as I didn't know if it would be good as I was struggling. I felt like even though I have been dealing with low moods and self-destructive thoughts I have been doing well in not having urges in my sex addiction so I felt like I could handle it.

It was an interesting movie. I did have to turn my head away a couple times. I didn't agree with everything but it did remind me how cunning and baffling this addiction is and I just need to keep aware. 

I know me pretty well and I know that there are things I do that tend to be the start down that road. Little things like the music I listen to, the movies & TV I watch. Not turning away when things come on TV that trigger more thoughts. Being aware that anxiety is a huge trigger for me. Knowing it is summer and it would be easy to dress inappropriately to gain attention, that desire to be lusted after. When I start loosening the boundaries around what I can or cannot do/see thinking that I am okay and that 1 thing won't be a problem THAT'S when I start slipping down that path to....well a SLIP or RELAPSE. I don't want to go there.

I did talk to a friend in the program after the movie because it kind of messed with my head a little. In the movie a guy had 5 years of sobriety and lost it when his emotions were too overwhelming. That is a fear for me. I have seen it in my meetings. Years of sobriety lost in a moment. If that is what will happen then what's the point???? 

The point is I want to be healthy, I want to be free, I want better for myself. I hope I don't mess up (again) at some point but if I do I hope that I am healthy enough to pick myself up and move on. Honestly I REALLY hope I don't mess up....that is my hope and prayer. Just keep reminding myself that this is one day at a time and to take one day at a time or I get overwhelmed.

So maybe I do need to sit down and take a little personal inventory of my current behaviors to see if there is anything I need to change. I have really been doing well SA wise, not having urges to act out. I do have some thoughts from time to time but I let them go in and then out and not dwell on them. I don't feel like I have it figured out I just know what works for me at this time.

That is what is going on with me. I am hoping that the summer settles down a bit and life gives me a little break so I can breathe before the fall/winter months come around and the holidays....UGH!! I just want to enjoy the summer right now.

ONE DAY AT A TIME!!!

Feeling Sad

I AM SAD!!! I thought about just writing out my feelings in my journal but then thought I would share them on here. Of course right now I am feeling a bit sorry for myself and think 'who is going to read this anyway? no one really cares'. I know that is NOT true (well I don't know who reads this but I do know that people DO care).



My sadness is coming from my feelings of abandonment, fear and loneliness. I was to meet with a friend today....someone I was letting in slowly and felt like I could trust but when I arrived that person was NOT there. THEY FORGOT!!  I've not had many friends in my life and very few I actually trust so this was tough.

Now there are times this would happen and I would be like 'okay I have other things to do' then go about my life. Then other times, like today I was hit with FEAR and that feeling that I am NOT important enough to remember. 

This ALL comes from my childhood (well even into adult life) of feeling abandoned and that no one cares. The 'I'm not worth someone else's time' feeling.

Once I got a hold of this person they did apologize (a couple times) and I forgive them. Everyone makes mistakes. The thing is the PAIN and HURT are very real. I feel trust has been broken a bit.

This is when I tend to retreat into myself. Isolate from others and work to NOT get hurt again. I am NOT going to let myself do that this time. I will give it a little time before I REALLY talk to this person as I want to make sure I can be kind and loving and also let them know that it hurt me and that even though I know it was an honest mistake it takes a lot for me to trust people and this put a dent in my trust. 

On my way home I cried, talked to my husband who was very kind and understanding. I thought how easy it has been for me to just live within my head in fantasy most of my life. The people in my fantasies don't hurt me. I don't want to go there either as fantasy does not help me.

Sometimes life just sucks!! Dealing with trauma and past hurts that jump on my back so fast....well it just SUCKS!!! I am letting myself feel instead of caving inward on myself and self-destructing (old patterns). 

I'll be OKAY!! Now for some good healthy self-care and on with living life. This recovery/healing journey is NOT easy!!! It's exhausting.......

Should I Tell or Not????

I was recently talking with a fellow sex addict about disclosure and thought that would be a good thing to talk about on here. I will be talking from my own experience and sources like therapy, books, intensive workshop & fellow sex addicts.

I have done 2 disclosures 6 years apart. The first was on my own, without the help of a therapist. I was afraid I was going to get caught and I was spinning out of control and just wanted out. I didn't want to tell my husband I just wanted help to stop and hopefully not have to tell him but he asked and it all came out.....everything and it sucked! I will NEVER forget that day and the look of pain in my husbands eyes. I answered every question he asked and had to keep answering for days, weeks and months later. I would say I gave too much information, at least that is how I feel from what I know now.

The 2nd disclosure was after I had gone to the Healing for Women workshop in Bethesda and I knew that it was going to have to happen but I didn't want to. I wanted to take it to my grave and I feared the end of my marriage (I did the first time but was told he wasn't going to leave and that if I did it again he would so this fear was even greater). I had a better therapist that told me that I didn't have to but if I really wanted an honest, intimate marriage I was going to have to tell him. I was hoping to get some sobriety and recovery under my belt before that happened but in a therapy session with my husband present he just looked at me and asked if there had been anyone in the prior 6 years (since 1st disclosure). I was working on being honest and knew that if I lied at that time then later told him the truth that would be worse than just being honest at that time....so I said yes. OUCH! I again had to see the pain in my husbands eyes, pain that I had caused.

Some things I learned since my first disclosure & what I tell others that ask is: 

1) if you want true intimacy in your marriage then a disclosure is a must...and it has to be a FULL disclosure not just what you want them to know or half truths

2) answer questions that they ask but if they want details about the act itself tell them that needs to be discussed in therapy

3) they need to know the nature of acting out (porn/masturbation, long term affairs, same sex, etc...)

4) how long it has been going on....months, years, entire marriage

5) how much money you have spent (if you know...as a woman I didn't think I spent any money because the men paid for hotel rooms but I learned I did spend money just in different ways)

6) consequences like pregnancy & abortion, STD's, loss of employment due to acting out at job

7) anyone they know.....the only names they need are people they know. 

8) if anytime you acted out in your home or bed

9) lies you have told to cover your acting out. Sometimes a partner feels crazy about all this and can wonder why they didn't see signs or maybe they did and didn't think that what you were doing was even possible....it is crazy making for them

Don't make excuses for your behavior. Don't try and blame the spouse for your behavior. Don't try and manipulate your spouse into forgiving you. Don't try and avoid any consequences. Don't try and control who your spouse tells, they need to have safe people to talk to for their healing.

Who NOT to tell...well that would be anyone that is not safe. You don't have to tell anyone other than your spouse (& support system). Talk with your therapist before disclosing to kids.

THEN comes the rebuilding TRUST!!! I think that will have to be in another blog as this one is long enough. I will say a couple quick things about this:

It is YOUR responsibility to be trustworthy! It is a process and takes time! And a quote (not sure who but something I got at the workshop)....

REBUILDING TRUST WILL TAKE LONGER THAN YOU WANT 

AND SHORTER THAN YOU DESERVE!!

Dealing with Triggers

Before I started this intensive part of my healing journey I didn't really know what my triggers were. I think I knew some of them but didn't label them as triggers. When I was at the workshop at Bethesda I had to write out some of my triggers. I had a few I could think of but have since learned that so many things trigger me and I am learning how to deal with those triggers.

What is a trigger? From my understanding is this is anything that STARTS the desire to medicate with the "drug" of choice. Many use the acronym H.A.L.T. (don't let yourself get too Hungry, Angry, Lonely or Tired) as being common among triggers. There are so many more that I could not list them all and people may have different things that trigger them.

For me stress & anxiety are high on the list. Being bored, lonely, tired, sick.....like I said LONG list. Then there are the visual reminders. As a sex addict I cannot "test" myself by watching or reading certain things. I can be triggered by being somewhere I have acted out or driving by somewhere I have acted out.


This is what happened to me the other day. I was driving home and was feeling hungry, tired & anxious when I drove past a hotel I met a guy at. Unfortunately this is a hotel I pass often and my husband knows about me being at this hotel so it can be a stress for both of us. Anyway, as I drove past I looked at the hotel and the memories came flooding in fast. I felt shame start to rise as I remembered what I had done. I quickly prayed and I can say I was praying out load in my car and I was praying hard because I didn't want these thoughts in my head.

I was able to let go of the shame then the thoughts turned a little to what was 'good' (if I could really say anything good came out of that encounter because there was NOTHING good about that). My mind (addict, satan....I tend to put the 2 together at times) wanted me to want something that was NOT good by trying to tell me there was something good about it. Again I prayed and then started listing all the GOOD things that being sober and NOT acting out has done for me.

I finally was able to get home and the thought/trigger was gone....or so I thought. Once I went to bed that night the thoughts assaulted me again. I was frustrated but prayed and was able to mindfully listen to music and fall asleep. The next morning I knew I had to get this stuff out of my head and fast. SO I told my husband. Since I didn't feel like I was going to or even wanted to act on the thoughts I felt safe to tell him. I also know that if I don't get them out of my head, the longer they are there the more power they have and then the possibility of me acting on them becomes more likely and I don't want that.

My husband was grateful I told him and we had a really good, very healing and intimate talk which brought us closer together. I was concerned of re-traumatizing him but he gave me grace and love. I am truly grateful for that.

I have been working on my recovery/healing and growing a lot there. I have been growing in my faith and relationship with God. I have been growing in my relationship with my husband and building a healthier, more intimate relationship with him. Satan doesn't like all this and I know that he will attack, especially in that area for me, I've had it happen before. 

Okay that was a recent trigger but I do get triggered a lot and pretty much all the time. So here are some things I do to help:


I stay connected with my husband & other people
I stay in God's Word & prayer
I work on self-care
I recognize the triggers and let them go
I AVOID triggers I know that I can avoid

I am sure I do other things but can't think of them right now. I know that after the trigger comes the ritual and that is another blog. If I am triggered I avoid going into any ritual because that is just the next step to acting out.

Triggers can't be completely avoided but they can be dealt with to create a healthy healing journey! 

Sometimes I Forget

Last night I was reminded of the pain that my husband still feels from my infidelity. He has been stressed and feeling "out-of-sorts" (his words not mine) and after telling me about work stress he went on to tell me his fears of hearing again that I had been unfaithful. OUCH!!

Sometimes I forget that he is still hurting or that the pain is (and always will be) there. It has been years, many years since I have acted outside my marriage and it is something I would take back, undo, never do.....the grass is NOT greener. 

As the years have gone on and as I have been working on recovery and healing it will, at times feel like a really bad dream. My husband is a wonderful man that loves me unconditionally and because of his love and care for me I tend to forget his pain.

In my mind, infidelity is the ultimate betrayal in a marriage. My husband feels like God prepared him for hearing the first disclosure but it is a trauma to him and something he will never forget.

With his recent stress and feeling down the thoughts of me having time on my hands and potentially going out on him again created more fear. He knows he can't control it, didn't cause it and can't cure it. I have been doing very well lately and not going to as many meetings and he sees the good but then got very concerned about that.

All I could do was listen, validate his feelings and let him know that even though my words don't mean much I did want to reassure him that I am doing very well. I have no desire to go out on him again (as I said the grass is NOT greener). I love him and I was glad he opened up to me about this. He did say that it helped to hear that and what I say does matter to him.

Although this is difficult to hear I am glad that he was able to open up to me about his feelings. I have to keep rebuilding the trust, that's my job. Hopefully as time goes on the pain won't be as bad (he has said it usually is not as bad but some days hits hard). I hate that I have hurt him so much and wish I could take it away but I can't.

Change....I Want It To Last!!

With this being the holiday season I am happy to say that this year I am doing pretty good so far. Usually I hate this time of year and just want to hide (hibernate). I feel that most of why I am handling life right now is due to all the hard work I have put in over the last year plus and the changes I have made in myself.

A recent change is my sense of feeling empowered. This is new to me and as I have said that several times to my therapist I realized yesterday while talking with a friend just what that meant to me.

Most of my life I have felt powerless. Abuse will do that, especially child abuse. Feeling powerless and having no voice and no say, that anything I said, felt or needed did not matter, led me to have a need to control things and people. Also, with feeling powerless I found myself unable to make decisions driven by fear of making the wrong ones.

With the skills learned over the last year, I have made decisions over the last several weeks that were my own and felt really good about them. Some I had to discuss with my husband as they involved him but he was on board and I didn't try and control the situation just brought my thoughts and was open to hearing his.

This empowerment has led me to not have that need to control people or things. I can let go and that is really freeing. To make decisions and feel good about them even if they are not the best, that's okay. Letting go of this need has given me power and freedom that is beyond words. I can just be me!!

I like this change in me and believe I am growing emotionally from the wounded child into the adult I want to be.

Dealing with Trauma

I'll keep this short as I have a busy day plus I do not feel well today.

As I share my journey trauma will come up a lot. This is difficult and one of the reasons I am keeping my name out.  Also the fact that with my addiction I have had affairs on my husband and I am willing to tell anyone everything BUT the affairs.

The trauma is difficult as my childhood appeared normal or maybe even ideal to many.  People just have no idea what goes on behind closed doors.  I also love my parents and have no intention of dragging them through this or even hurting them.  I have empathy for them and even though I have to practice healthy boundaries and some detachment with them I still do not wish them any harm in any way.

There is also trauma/abuse from early in my marriage I have to deal with.  Again I do not wish to hurt my husband (I have already done enough damage there).  Thankfully he knows and has taken responsibility for his abuse early in our marriage.

Over the last 16 months (more so the last year) I have worked the 12 steps in SA, have gone through one round of DBT (Dialectical Behavior Therapy), Emotional Focused Couples Therapy (EFT)=(still in that process) AND working Trauma work through Somatic Experiencing (SE).  That is a LOT of work!! So I am working on healing my inner child, re-parenting myself and a lot of stuff that right now feels a little overwhelming.

Not sure if it is because I don't feel well (possibly dealing with a cold) or if it is because I had a painful flashback last night then more crazy dreams along with sex dreams.  Sleep is an issue for me due to all that.  I don't get good restful sleep and so far no meds have really helped.

So for today I am just taking one moment at a time to feel and heal.  To do some good self-care.  I have a couple appointments today otherwise I would curl up with my bear and sleep (and likely cry).

Feeling is Healing!!  It is very painful to go through but if I want to be better then I have to continue feeling these yucky feelings.

This First 4 Months

Don't freak out by the title, I can summarize it pretty quickly....I believe.  

It was very difficult.  I finally got sober by SA's definition (no sex with self or anyone other than the spouse) but I wasn't really getting "progressive victory over lust" yet.  So, looking back I was "technically" sober and also realized I was a "dry drunk" as AA puts it.

As a female in meetings with all men it was difficult to find a sponsor so I could get working on the 12 steps.  I called SA's central office, got numbers for women from all over the country and made calls....LOTS of calls.  I got a lot of "good luck" and "no, can't help you" but one gal did try and help but she would basically tell me to look up the step and see what works for me and do it then call her.  I had no idea what to do with that since I had never worked the steps.  So getting help from women was not working.

I was however getting help from the men in my meetings.  Many were giving me numbers of therapists (I already had one but they thought it might help), giving me advise about calling the central office and encouraging me to not give up.  

Also during this time I had to do another disclosure with my husband.  It caught me off guard as I didn't want to for fear of losing him but he asked during a counseling session and if I was going to be honest and keep being honest I couldn't lie anymore (lying is something I have done all my life so this honesty thing was new).  So I was honest.  That was not easy.  This was the 2nd disclosure I had made to my husband.  The first had been 6 years earlier without the help of a therapist but with the prompting of the therapist.  To admit to my husband that I had been unfaithful, was addicted to porn, masturbation & fantasy was awful.  I will NEVER forget the pain on his face.  I never wanted to see that again.  Then last year when I had to do a second disclosure I saw it again.  I had been unfaithful in the 6 years since my first disclosure and as much as I didn't want to tell him I knew it was the only way to healing and to have a close, honest, intimate relationship with him....as long as he stayed with me.  He has thank God!!

I also had to do some house cleaning as far as getting rid of clothes and "toys".  I put an accountability program on my laptop (see previous post here) and started sending it with my husband to work everyday so I didn't even have the temptation.  Again not so fun.  I didn't think I would care but it was sad to let go of things that were a part of my life, even if only a short time (the toys I had only had a short time).

Many times I wanted to give up.  I felt like I was never going to get the help I needed.  I was never going to get better and I felt sad, lonely and depressed most of the time.  I did get help from one of the men in my meetings.  He helped me do my 1st step.  I did get 3 months of sobriety then lost it.  I was feeling pretty hopeless a lot of the time.  I wanted to go back....back to before I went to treatment.  Back to my "old" way of life.  Back to my "safety" (see last post here).

I had tried another female temporary sponsor but that didn't work out.  I did meet a gal who is now one of my very best friends and I am honored to be her sponsor.

Finally, after months of working my a$$ off to get help and find a sponsor I was encouraged to ask the men in my group as some had sponsored women before and might again.  So the end of Nov 2013 I asked one of the guys and he said he would be my temp sponsor.  Now almost a year later he is my sponsor and has been a HUGE help in helping me get to where I am.

NEVER GIVE UP!!!

The First Week

I decided to pull out my journals and see what I was feeling back in July 2013.  This is the start of the first entry the day after I arrived home from the workshop:

"Being home is rough. I have gotten discouraged, sad, lonely and fear.  I have gone in denial thinking I don't really have a problem &/or thinking I can just do this on my own. Both of which I know are untrue."

I didn't think I would come home and everything would be great but it was a HUGE adjustment getting back into life knowing what I had learned over the last week.  

Before I left I had written out a plan for when I got home.  It was things I needed to do to help with recovery.  I think that first day I just wanted to sleep and watch TV.

Entry from second day being back:

"Yest was rough.  I don't know how to get back into life.  I don't know what to do....I'm lost and confused.  Feeling lonely & sad makes me want to seek to fill those empty spots well the emptiness inside me.  I HATE my life right not (well most of it anyway).  I NEED support, I NEED others that know & understand what I am going through."

Later that day I realized I needed to find a meeting and so I started making calls.  I got a call back for the meeting place for Sexaholics Anonymous (SA) and so I put that on my calendar to attend the first meeting available to me.  I had chosen SA when I was at the workshop for the fact that they have a clear sobriety definition and that is something I needed (still need).  I also made some calls but still felt very alone.  I felt very confused and sad.  I was also very scared about going into a meeting that was likely going to be mostly men if not all men.  Not because I was scared for my safety but because men are my drug of choice. 

The day of the SA meeting I was so nervous that I did "medicate" with porn and masturbation and that helped "numb" me so that I could get to the meeting.  I remember that I was very careful about what I was wearing.  Usually I would dress to be noticed by men and now I was working to dress to NOT be noticed by men.  Trying to find the right clothes did take some effort.  I realized I was going to have to change a lot of my wardrobe.  It was summer and I made sure I wore jeans, t-shirt and took a jacket in case my shirt was a little too tight.

Once I arrived I felt like I could vomit (I didn't, thank God) and was welcomed without question.  I was the only woman in a small, very warm room with men in shorts and me sweating from making sure I was "over dressed".  I do remember that once in there I knew I was exactly where I was meant to be and that I would be back.  I felt completely safe and not judged at all.  I didn't share much but that was okay.  I did get a phone list and a meeting list so that I would know when all the meetings were and numbers to call if I needed help.

I did have my husband pray with me before I left for the meeting.  That helped.  To this day I still cont to pray for the meetings and my recovery family.

So to sum up, my first week back was rough.  I didn't do well with sobriety.  I did get to an SA meeting (which I still go to at least once a week with 2 meetings being my regular and more if needed).  Had a therapy appointment.  Dealt with feelings of not knowing how I felt about my marriage which is for a different time but I knew I loved my husband just didn't know how I felt about him, life, me and our marriage.  It was not the worst week of my life but it was not easy.

I was hoping things would get better quickly but knew that it was likely to get worse before it got better.  It did but it has gotten better, a lot better since then.

The Start of this Journey

As I said in my first post this journey of healing started in July 2013 but I am going to go back just a little bit.  It was in May of 2013 when I was spiraling into my addiction and told my therapist.  She recommended a book.  I got it and read it.  It was very eye opening, difficult to read at times but more helpful than I ever thought.  This book is called No Stones:  Women Redeemed from Sexual Addiction by Marnie Ferree.  I highly recommend this book.  My husband read it this year (about 6 months after I did) and it was very helpful for him also.  I read it in June 2013 before going to the intensive workshop.

 I then went to the intensive workshop in July 2013.  Once I signed up I freaked out about going.  I was going to be away from home, away from my husband, with complete strangers and dealing with stuff I was not sure I wanted to deal with.  Add in that is was in another state and I don't fly well.

Through the years I have had many different mental health diagnosis.  Some more accurate than others but after I started down this healing road I was told that pretty much all the diagnosis that I have been given and everything I deal with mentally falls under PTSD. I have learned that it is more a Complex-PTSD and this is not in the DSM-IV or V really so I just get the PTSD part.  After hearing this more things started to make sense but I'll get to that later.

My anxiety was extreme to the point that my loving husband drove me for hours to the workshop, flew home the next day then flew back to drive me back home.  The workshop I went to was Bethesda Workshops Healing for Women (http://www.bethesdaworkshops.org/).  They also have a Healing for Men and for Partners.  

That first day was crazy and I just remember having to turn over my cell phone and being told that even though we didn't want to be there that day that by the end we won't want to leave.  I did not think that would be the case.

This is a very intense workshop but the amount of information, the time spent learning and growing, the care and compassion of everyone that was involved was amazing.  I knew that first day that I was indeed a sex addict.  By the last day I did not want to leave.  Marnie was right.  I just wanted to stay there with everyone I had just met.  Where I was safe.  Where these other ladies knew my ugly secrets and still cared.  I was scared to go back home and back to real life.

I prayed a lot, cried a lot and hugged a lot.  I wasn't sure how things were going to play out once I got home.  Only a few people even knew where I was.  Only a few know that I am a sex addict. My family doesn't know, my friends do not know.  I have one friend that knows everything and my husband.  So I felt like I was coming home to a new, strange different world.  I knew that I was going to have to get into a sex addicts 12 step meeting.  I knew I was ready for this journey and it was not going to be easy but it was time.  I was scared, no terrified is more like it.

Learning to use my voice

One thing that I am learning is to speak up for myself.  To have a voice which is something new for me.  I grew up not being heard.  What I had to say didn't matter, I didn't matter. Now in my 40's I have to learn to speak up, use my voice, say no.  These are all very difficult for me as I still have the fear of what others think or how they feel.  Will they hate me if I say no?  Will I be bullied if I stand up for myself?  Will anyone still like me or care about me if I speak up for myself?

This is all new and I am learning.  I had to do that today.  I had to tell someone that I was unable to continue working for them.  This person is a friend and I really tried and it had less to do with them and more to do with the fact that I still am working on learning how to have good self-care.

Thankfully I had a lot of support from others and this person appeared to take it well.  My problem is I walked away concerned that I hurt their feelings or what others might think in the office.  These are things I have to surrender and let go of.

Now on to some rest and good self-care.

**On a side note you will notice that I will be going back and forth from early in my healing journey and what is going on now.  I wish I had started this in the beginning but I guess I was not ready.