The Start of this Journey

As I said in my first post this journey of healing started in July 2013 but I am going to go back just a little bit.  It was in May of 2013 when I was spiraling into my addiction and told my therapist.  She recommended a book.  I got it and read it.  It was very eye opening, difficult to read at times but more helpful than I ever thought.  This book is called No Stones:  Women Redeemed from Sexual Addiction by Marnie Ferree.  I highly recommend this book.  My husband read it this year (about 6 months after I did) and it was very helpful for him also.  I read it in June 2013 before going to the intensive workshop.

 I then went to the intensive workshop in July 2013.  Once I signed up I freaked out about going.  I was going to be away from home, away from my husband, with complete strangers and dealing with stuff I was not sure I wanted to deal with.  Add in that is was in another state and I don't fly well.

Through the years I have had many different mental health diagnosis.  Some more accurate than others but after I started down this healing road I was told that pretty much all the diagnosis that I have been given and everything I deal with mentally falls under PTSD. I have learned that it is more a Complex-PTSD and this is not in the DSM-IV or V really so I just get the PTSD part.  After hearing this more things started to make sense but I'll get to that later.

My anxiety was extreme to the point that my loving husband drove me for hours to the workshop, flew home the next day then flew back to drive me back home.  The workshop I went to was Bethesda Workshops Healing for Women (http://www.bethesdaworkshops.org/).  They also have a Healing for Men and for Partners.  

That first day was crazy and I just remember having to turn over my cell phone and being told that even though we didn't want to be there that day that by the end we won't want to leave.  I did not think that would be the case.

This is a very intense workshop but the amount of information, the time spent learning and growing, the care and compassion of everyone that was involved was amazing.  I knew that first day that I was indeed a sex addict.  By the last day I did not want to leave.  Marnie was right.  I just wanted to stay there with everyone I had just met.  Where I was safe.  Where these other ladies knew my ugly secrets and still cared.  I was scared to go back home and back to real life.

I prayed a lot, cried a lot and hugged a lot.  I wasn't sure how things were going to play out once I got home.  Only a few people even knew where I was.  Only a few know that I am a sex addict. My family doesn't know, my friends do not know.  I have one friend that knows everything and my husband.  So I felt like I was coming home to a new, strange different world.  I knew that I was going to have to get into a sex addicts 12 step meeting.  I knew I was ready for this journey and it was not going to be easy but it was time.  I was scared, no terrified is more like it.