What's Your Secret?

No, I'm not asking for anyone to tell me their secret. I was recently told I needed to share my secret with others. The secret to my success so far in sex addiction recovery (I am still a work in progress, always will be). 

Truth is there is NO secret!! No magic solution. No perfect program or special pill. Recovery is NOT one size fits all and everyone has to work their own program BUT I will share what I have done to help me get to where I am and hopefully that will help others in their journey.

I have blogged about MY program earlier here and it changes all the time. It's a process that changes & grows as I change & grow. 

I do think that getting to the root of the addiction (pain/trauma) is where the healing/recovery truly begins. The addiction is the symptom of the problem and getting to that root is vital.

I don't have all the answers and I sure don't have it all figured out. I take one day at a time and keep growing. Some days are easier than others and I know that I can slip up. I know that I will likely need accountability the rest of my life. 

SA MEETINGS:
I have cut back on meetings and I have a good reason for that. I am not quitting them & will increase if needed but for now I am doing what I need. Meetings are where I found a community to help support and hold me accountable. Where I got a sponsor to help me through struggles and the 12 steps. Where I was able to be my true self. It is where I have gained sobriety. It has also been a great place to build intimate non-sexual relationships with men.

FAITH IN GOD:
I have had a relationship with Jesus since I was a child. This is a spiritual journey so having that foundation, for me has been huge. It is also what keeps me going. I believe that things happen in God's timing and MY journey has been on God's timing, not mine. I have tried to do things on my own but I didn't succeed....God's timing is perfect!

THERAPY:
I have been in therapy off & on for over 20 years dealing with multiple things. I have worked on me, parent issues, marriage issues....THEN I went to Bethesda Workshop for female sex addicts and that was the springboard to the more intensive healing and growth. Since then I have done DBT (dialectical behavioral therapy) and working on trauma healing. There is still a lot of work to be done there.  

AND I cannot forget the support from my loving husband who has stood by me and loves me unconditionally. When I told him that I wanted to blog on this he gave me a lot of suggestions and said we should write a book together....it could happen. :)

Learning my triggers and what to do when they happen. Learning to create a life worth living. Learning to accept myself and even love myself. Learning good self-care (not always good at this but still working on it). Learning that I am worth this journey.

Well that's my share for today on why I can say, 

"I am doing very well today, thank you!".

The M Word

Yes, I am talking about Masturbation!! 

I just didn't want to put that in the title. 

As a recovering sex addict and a woman I really felt like I needed/wanted to talk about this from my perspective and how it has impacted my life.

I started masturbating at a very young age and have most of my life. It has been why I have had to reset my sobriety date over the last 18 months working this intense recovery and being in SA. By definition in SA it is no sex with self (masturbation) or anyone other than the spouse (defined as husband and wife/man & woman). I do have over 5 months of not doing this and that is the longest I have gone during the last 18 months.

Recently I have had some arguments with my husband and have had some down/distressing times that I would WANT to masturbate just to feel better (self medicate to not deal or feel, not a good reason). I didn't and it has gotten a lot easier to just not do it but sometimes I still want to.


I can honestly say that this is one thing that I have not felt shame about. I remember when I was a kid and I did feel different because I thought only boys did it but soon learned that girls did to and I was okay with it. Even in my marriage I didn't feel quilt or shame for doing it. Maybe for hiding it but even then it was brief quilt and then I moved on. I didn't see how it had any impact on my marriage as it didn't change how often or how much sex we had. So in my mind it was not a bad thing.

Many Christians have issue with this and I would rather not get into all that....I don't think that it is always wrong....that it is black and white. I am only speaking about me, my experience & addiction.

As an addict it is not something I can do and I have seen a big difference in my sex life with my husband from me NOT doing it (the abstaining from porn has been a HUGE help also). So when I was distressed yesterday and thought about it (and got a little angry because I couldn't--issue I work on) I knew I wasn't going to do it but I went through a process. I guess it was a "think past the drink" and realized why I could NOT justify doing it, not now and maybe never. 
Here was my thought process:

1) I could masturbate, it wouldn't hurt anyone, no one would know
2) Will then need to go into fantasy to get the desired results
3) Eventually I will want to view porn as the 2 can & do go together a lot 
4) I will eventually need more and will then need to get online to find guys to chat with 
5) That won't be enough so I will then end up in a hotel/car with a stranger

That is an abbreviated spiral of addiction & what went through my mind to go from thinking masturbating would be okay to having an affair. Not a far leap for an addict and at times can happen very quickly. Plus I don't want to be with anyone else again....I have said in earlier post the grass is NOT greener for me.

So for now, for me masturbation is NOT an option!!

If this is true then it makes sense why people
 would want to masturbate or have sex all the time!!