I AM SAD!!! I thought about just writing out my feelings in my journal but then thought I would share them on here. Of course right now I am feeling a bit sorry for myself and think 'who is going to read this anyway? no one really cares'. I know that is NOT true (well I don't know who reads this but I do know that people DO care).
My sadness is coming from my feelings of abandonment, fear and loneliness. I was to meet with a friend today....someone I was letting in slowly and felt like I could trust but when I arrived that person was NOT there. THEY FORGOT!! I've not had many friends in my life and very few I actually trust so this was tough.
Now there are times this would happen and I would be like 'okay I have other things to do' then go about my life. Then other times, like today I was hit with FEAR and that feeling that I am NOT important enough to remember.
This ALL comes from my childhood (well even into adult life) of feeling abandoned and that no one cares. The 'I'm not worth someone else's time' feeling.
Once I got a hold of this person they did apologize (a couple times) and I forgive them. Everyone makes mistakes. The thing is the PAIN and HURT are very real. I feel trust has been broken a bit.
This is when I tend to retreat into myself. Isolate from others and work to NOT get hurt again. I am NOT going to let myself do that this time. I will give it a little time before I REALLY talk to this person as I want to make sure I can be kind and loving and also let them know that it hurt me and that even though I know it was an honest mistake it takes a lot for me to trust people and this put a dent in my trust.
On my way home I cried, talked to my husband who was very kind and understanding. I thought how easy it has been for me to just live within my head in fantasy most of my life. The people in my fantasies don't hurt me. I don't want to go there either as fantasy does not help me.
Sometimes life just sucks!! Dealing with trauma and past hurts that jump on my back so fast....well it just SUCKS!!! I am letting myself feel instead of caving inward on myself and self-destructing (old patterns).
I'll be OKAY!! Now for some good healthy self-care and on with living life. This recovery/healing journey is NOT easy!!! It's exhausting.......
I have spent my life wanting to fit it, belong, be a part of but never felt like I ever did....until last year. I remember sitting in an SA meeting and thinking (I think I even said it several times) that I finally 'fit it' somewhere just wish it wasn't in an sex addict group.
Last week I was feeling a bit down and lonely and thought maybe I should just go to more SA meetings just so I feel like I fit in somewhere. This was fleeting as I have my reasons for not going to regular meetings. I did tell my husband what I was thinking and he agreed not a good reason to attend meetings. My therapist also agreed...NOT a good idea for me!
For me to go to meetings to 'fit in' would mean that I would NEED to be struggling to fit in and that is NOT good for me. I have been in support groups for other issues/destructive behaviors in the past and as I get healthier I find that I feel out of place and either need to leave the group or struggle to fit in. This is what I recognized in myself last Dec and knew I needed to back off on the meetings.
Let me just make this clear....I am ONLY talking about me and my recovery journey, how things work for me and in my head. This is NOT to put down 12 step meetings or anyone that feels the need for regular meetings even when doing very well. I think it is great that people with long sobriety and good recovery can go to meetings and be in the meetings to help share with others still struggling....this just does not work for me.
Thankfully those thoughts were fleeting and I recognized that I was not feeling well and needed rest more than trying to fit in somewhere. I am doing better and I know that these feelings will come and go and hopefully become less and less (as they have) as I continue to grow and love myself and care for myself.
I have a place I fit in and it is the best....I am a daughter of the One True King and I am dearly loved and that is the BEST place to be. For me I don't believe God called me to fit into any recovery group but led me there to discover things about myself and work on growth and healing. I also can help others by telling my story of healing. There is always a purpose for our struggles but those struggles don't define us. I don't want to define myself as a sex addict but as a believer in Jesus. A recovering human being taking one day at a time......
It is April 1st, 2015 and I started thinking back to a year ago when things were NOT going well for me. It has been a crazy year but a GREAT one also. The work I have put in and the changes in me are HUGE! I still have a lot of work to do and I am good with that. I don't have things figured out and I am good with that....I don't need to have them figured out. I do like the person I am now and that is something I wasn't sure I would ever get to.
A year ago I was spiraling in my addiction. I was seeking the 'high' and getting it. I was seeking to fill an empty void (the God void) in me in the wrong way. I knew what I was doing and I knew it was insane and I wanted to stop but was having trouble with that (that's addiction). I look back at my journal and it is all there, my thoughts, my concerns, my need & want to stop, my wanting help but not wanting help.
What is interesting is that the 3 months leading up to last years slip (Jan-March 2014) was very stressful AND this year the last 3 months (Jan-March 2015) have been very stressful. So why did I slip last year and this year I am sober and happy and moving forward? I would say healing, growth, lots of hard work and my faith in God to grow me into the woman He wants me to be.
I am now living my life and when stress hits I work to do what I need to to make sure I am taking care of me during those times. I stick with things I know I enjoy, cut out things that are not needed at the time. Work on my self-care and that is a lot of hard work.
Looking back here are some things I noticed:
SA Meetings: Jan-March 2014 I attended 23 meetings
Jan-March 2015 I attended 5 meetings
Jan-March 2014 I was in DBT group every week PLUS my therapy sessions (which I still do weekly). I was also attending a ladies sex addict support group but I think I only made one or two of those. I was sponsoring 3 gals (not the entire 3 months). I was working the steps and calling my sponsor everyday (pretty much). My husband and I tried a 30 day abstinence with building intimacy (had sex once in those 30 days). I was meeting other ladies in SA for dinner almost weekly.
Jan-March 2015 I have been done with DBT since last Sept so not doing that in a group setting. I do have weekly therapy sessions. I have done an amazing Bible study at my church. I am growing in my walk with Christ. I am only sponsoring one gal. I am not working the steps. I do see them as a moral compass to live by and will work what I need to when I need to but for me they feel like common sense and like I said a moral compass to live by anyway. I am working on my trauma. I don't talk to my sponsor as much (not even weekly sometimes). My husband & I seem closer than ever and it is amazing. I have pulled away from SA a bit and I know that I can always go back/go more frequent if needed. I have worked on building relationships outside SA. I have been getting involved in other activities to enhance and enjoy my life. I have gone to a few Celebrate Recovery meetings and really like them.
So in this past year I had to reset sobriety 2 times (well technically 3). I had to reset this time last year from my slip up from being online chatting with guys. Then in July I masturbated and reset then again a week later and reset....now that is my sobriety date Aug 1st, 2014. That means I am 8 months sober today!!
I have learned a lot about myself over the last year and I think that is why I am doing well. I have learned to love myself, to be okay with who I am and what I deal with. I don't define myself by what I do or what has happened to me. I am growing and healing and this is a journey....MY JOURNEY and it is a lifetime journey that I am glad to be on. I have so much HOPE even in the midst of stress and turmoil (sometimes it feels hopeless AND I know it is not). I think that is all I can hope and pray for today!!
I AM OKAY!!
