The Need to Fit In

I have spent my life wanting to fit it, belong, be a part of but never felt like I ever did....until last year. I remember sitting in an SA meeting and thinking (I think I even said it several times) that I finally 'fit it' somewhere just wish it wasn't in an sex addict group.

Last week I was feeling a bit down and lonely and thought maybe I should just go to more SA meetings just so I feel like I fit in somewhere. This was fleeting as I have my reasons for not going to regular meetings. I did tell my husband what I was thinking and he agreed not a good reason to attend meetings. My therapist also agreed...NOT a good idea for me!

For me to go to meetings to 'fit in' would mean that I would NEED to be struggling to fit in and that is NOT good for me. I have been in support groups for other issues/destructive behaviors in the past and as I get healthier I find that I feel out of place and either need to leave the group or struggle to fit in. This is what I recognized in myself last Dec and knew I needed to back off on the meetings.



Let me just make this clear....I am ONLY talking about me and my recovery journey, how things work for me and in my head. This is NOT to put down 12 step meetings or anyone that feels the need for regular meetings even when doing very well. I think it is great that people with long sobriety and good recovery can go to meetings and be in the meetings to help share with others still struggling....this just does not work for me. 

Thankfully those thoughts were fleeting and I recognized that I was not feeling well and needed rest more than trying to fit in somewhere. I am doing better and I know that these feelings will come and go and hopefully become less and less (as they have) as I continue to grow and love myself and care for myself. 

I have a place I fit in and it is the best....I am a daughter of the One True King and I am dearly loved and that is the BEST place to be. For me I don't believe God called me to fit into any recovery group but led me there to discover things about myself and work on growth and healing. I also can help others by telling my story of healing. There is always a purpose for our struggles but those struggles don't define us. I don't want to define myself as a sex addict but as a believer in Jesus. A recovering human being taking one day at a time......

What's Your Secret?

No, I'm not asking for anyone to tell me their secret. I was recently told I needed to share my secret with others. The secret to my success so far in sex addiction recovery (I am still a work in progress, always will be). 

Truth is there is NO secret!! No magic solution. No perfect program or special pill. Recovery is NOT one size fits all and everyone has to work their own program BUT I will share what I have done to help me get to where I am and hopefully that will help others in their journey.

I have blogged about MY program earlier here and it changes all the time. It's a process that changes & grows as I change & grow. 

I do think that getting to the root of the addiction (pain/trauma) is where the healing/recovery truly begins. The addiction is the symptom of the problem and getting to that root is vital.

I don't have all the answers and I sure don't have it all figured out. I take one day at a time and keep growing. Some days are easier than others and I know that I can slip up. I know that I will likely need accountability the rest of my life. 

SA MEETINGS:
I have cut back on meetings and I have a good reason for that. I am not quitting them & will increase if needed but for now I am doing what I need. Meetings are where I found a community to help support and hold me accountable. Where I got a sponsor to help me through struggles and the 12 steps. Where I was able to be my true self. It is where I have gained sobriety. It has also been a great place to build intimate non-sexual relationships with men.

FAITH IN GOD:
I have had a relationship with Jesus since I was a child. This is a spiritual journey so having that foundation, for me has been huge. It is also what keeps me going. I believe that things happen in God's timing and MY journey has been on God's timing, not mine. I have tried to do things on my own but I didn't succeed....God's timing is perfect!

THERAPY:
I have been in therapy off & on for over 20 years dealing with multiple things. I have worked on me, parent issues, marriage issues....THEN I went to Bethesda Workshop for female sex addicts and that was the springboard to the more intensive healing and growth. Since then I have done DBT (dialectical behavioral therapy) and working on trauma healing. There is still a lot of work to be done there.  

AND I cannot forget the support from my loving husband who has stood by me and loves me unconditionally. When I told him that I wanted to blog on this he gave me a lot of suggestions and said we should write a book together....it could happen. :)

Learning my triggers and what to do when they happen. Learning to create a life worth living. Learning to accept myself and even love myself. Learning good self-care (not always good at this but still working on it). Learning that I am worth this journey.

Well that's my share for today on why I can say, 

"I am doing very well today, thank you!".

Working the 12 Steps

I have worked all 12 steps and (personally) feel that everyone could benefit from going through them at least once even if they don't have an addiction. I also don't feel (and this might upset some) that they are the answer for everyone nor do I feel like that is why I am in the place I am now. I do feel that they have helped and I will continue to work on them as needed but a lot of them, in my opinion are really common sense and as someone with faith in God they are also the work a Christian should be doing anyway. I am not trying to undermine the 12 step program and I know for many that has been their life saver. I am saying that, for me recovery has been a LOT more than working the steps.

All that said I want to talk about my 12 step journey. It started when I went to Bethesda workshop and that is where I was introduced to the 12 steps. There we pretty much did steps 1-3 and in my opinion a little work on step 4 as I used stuff I did at the workshop to do my step 4.

Once I was home I needed to get to meetings, get a sponsor and start working the steps. That was my thought and I was determined to do that. As I have said before this was not an easy undertaking for me due to being the only female (most of the time) in meetings for a while. I had made calls to women all over the country but that is in an earlier post.

Finally one of the guys wanted to help me at least get my step 1 done so he helped me after a meeting to get me started. Doing a step 1 in SA is a lot different than in AA. In fact all the steps are worked differently in SA and in more detail than in AA. I have never done steps in AA so that was to my benefit.

He gave me, I think 3 weeks to get my 1st step written (this was a summary of my story, the story that brought me to SA and recovery, powerlessness & unmanageable) and it was to be no more than 3 pages and I was going to read it to the group. YIKES!!! Talk about being transparent.

SA step 1. We admitted that we were powerless over lust--that our lives had become unmanageable.

I wrote it out, asked a gal in another state to read it before I read it to the men in my meeting. She was less than helpful and I felt betrayed to say the least. She agreed to help then after reading it told me every reason she did not believe in sharing 1st steps in meetings and that it was triggering to her yet she did not tell me what was triggering to her. She did apologize a few weeks later but I have never talked to her again.

So after getting permission to read it I did and it was freeing. After I read my 1st step I then got feedback from the group which was nice. I have heard many 1st steps and to be honest I like hearing them and to me it helps to be that transparent and honest and it helps others to know they are not alone. I don't think it should be pushed on anyone nor do I feel like everyone should do this, it really has to be your choice. I really didn't feel like I had a choice then as I was so new and learning so for me I was still in the "doing what I was told" & "doing what I am suppose to do" stage. That's okay. I don't regret doing it.

SA step 2. Came to believe that a Power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity.
SA step 3. Made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God as we understood Him.

Those steps were easier. I already had/have a strong faith in God so turning my life over to Him...well I have done that. I like the short first 3 steps in a Christian way:

Step 1 I can't

Step 2 He can

Step 3 I'll let Him

Very simple but the 12 step program is a simple program just not easy.

So that is all for now I will later talk about my journey through the rest of the steps as that took more time and energy and some very difficult things to get through. Until next time......

Working MY Program

It has been a week since I posted on gratitude and I am very thankful that I am still doing very well and very grateful for the progress I have made and am continuing to make. 

Over the past week I have been thinking about my recovery and what I feel is best for me. I had an epiphany last weekend and that is where I am now...trying to figure out what is "right" for me. What does MY program for recovery look like now? How do I need to change things to continue moving forward?

I did talk to a few people about this and I realized I need to be careful as most 12 steppers feel that if you "cut back" on meetings you might as well prepare for a relapse. I understand that many cannot and probably should not do that but I need to figure out what is best for me...not anyone else.

I am listening to my gut, instincts, heart....or most likely God on this one and I am not making any huge changes at this time. I did miss my meetings the past week and to be honest it was actually good for me. I got to spend time with one of my kids which was a much needed thing for both of us. I had a panic attack the night before I was to get up for a meeting and it took a lot out of me...rest was more important at that time. Self-care came first as for me lack of self-care can be worse than missing meetings when it comes to my addiction(s).

My program will continue to change as I change and my life changes and as I heal and grow. I think that should be the case for everyone because if nothing changes then nothing changes and change is what helps us grow.

I did make a chart for myself because there is a HUGE difference in last spring when I cut back on meetings and now. I am NOT quitting or giving up on recovery. I have NO desire to go back into any of my addictive/destructive behaviors (even though I know that the urges will come around and I need to be prepared). I don't plan to stop going to meetings just maybe go to some different ones see if something is a better fit or maybe just go to one a week. I am NOT backing off on my recovery/healing work. 

I DO plan to continue working recovery and healing. Use the tools I have learned and cont to learn on a regular basis. I DO plan to keep moving forward, keep growing in my relationship with God, have fun and enjoy life. I want to get back out in life and serve where God wants me to serve.

I want to create a life worth living not just survive. I want to keep changing to improve myself and my life. I am choosing to work MY program and do what is best for ME!!

Looking Back

I read a lot that says to NOT look back on the past. Without the past how can we learn to not repeat it? In the 12 promises in the AA Big Book is says "we will not regret the past nor wish to shut the door on it". I have gotten to that point in my recovery.

So with my recent struggles I decided to take a look back at my journals to last spring when I took a spiral down and ended up dealing with a slip that was a bit more costly than others.  I wanted to see if I am dealing with the same behaviors that preceded the spring slip and if so what I need to do to stop so I don't go back down that path. It was also good to read about my slip and the aftermath of pain, shame and despair. Reminds of where I've been and that I don't want to go back there.

Here is the list of what I was doing/feeling then that is the same for what I am dealing with now:

Feeling overwhelmed                                              
Feeling really down on myself, low self-esteem
Isolation                                                                  
Loneliness
Feeling like I don't really have anyone to talk to
Pressure of sobriety date
Intrusive (obsessive) sex dreams                        
Intrusive (obsessive) fantasies
Intrusive (obsessive) thoughts                            
Not having enough structure
Poor self-care                                                      
Not feeling well physically
Not eating good                                                  
Wanting connection
Struggles in marriage                                          
Saying things like "I'm a mess", "I'm a failure"
Self hatred                                                          
High anxiety
Depressed mood                                                      
Lots of stress
Having the push/pull....good girl/bad girl.....want to/don't want to

Just one of those can/should be a huge RED FLAG. To have a list that long from the spring to be the same now is scary.

On a positive note last spring I had cut back on my recovery....now I have actually increased my recovery work.  I was taking a little break from working the steps....now I go back over any step I need to, like step 1-powerless, 3-turning my will & life over to God, 6 & 7-looking at any defects and praying about them (I could go on but I think you get the point).  I was cutting back the meetings to no more than 1 a week....now I am try and go to more if I can (sometimes I just can't but I will plan other positive activities to replace).  So there are differences.  Plus I have been working recovery longer, working on trauma healing, have had a Spiritual Awakening and have had good recovery so right now I am just a bit upside down and just need to take the steps needed to get righted.

Also looking back really helped me see the pain that I DO NOT WANT TO REPEAT!!!  So for today I am doing the next right thing. One day at a time for the next 24 hours I commit to sobriety & recovery.

Insanity!

Sometimes I feel like I am just riding a roller coaster and I want to get off.

It feels like a never ending ride with so many ups and downs, twists and turns that I feel dizzy and sick to my stomach.  Sometimes it's good and fun, other times it feels like hell on earth.

I Love this quote!!

Pretty much sums it up.  I tend to keep doing the same things over and over hoping for a different result.  I am working to do things differently so that I will get different results.  In many areas of my life I think I am doing that but in some it feels like nothing changes.  When things I want to change do not I feel hopeless.  When things I want to stay the same change I feel out-of-control.  

In SA's 2nd step it says Came to believe that a Power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity.  For me that Power is God and I am willing to believe that God can restore me to sanity.  Now what is that?

Sane (& Sanity)--from merriam-websters.com

: having a healthy mind : able to think normally

: based on reason or good judgment : rational or sensible

I want a healthy mind and to have good judgment.  I can see where in my addiction I do not have those things.  Good judgment goes out the window very quickly.

I realize I have been having a rough time over the last couple months.  I want healing and recovery.  I am exhausted and want to give up.  I want freedom from the thoughts yet I am afraid that giving them ALL up, letting go I won't know who I am and I will have to feel things I am afraid to feel.  THAT feels like insanity to me.

In May 2013 (before I started intense recovery and went to workshop) I wrote out a poem (sort of) in my journal that reflects these feelings.

"I am a small child in an adult body

I am trapped in a life I don't live but just survive

I fight to be the best I can only to fail-over and over

I am sad, lonely, bored, confused, I don't know who I am!

I don't fit in anywhere-don't know where I belong

I am trapped by my thoughts, controlled by the "demons" inside me

I am NOT possessed by demons because Christs lives in me

I want to be better, I want to be well, I want to be FREE....

but I am scared to death.  

For what I need to be freed from is ALL I know 

and as much as I hate it, it is safety, comfortable, it gives me--me!

Without it I am.....

NOTHING!!

I don't exist..........."

That is my "roller coaster" life before recovery started and at times (many times, like now) it still feels that way.  Today is a struggle and I am taking one moment at a time to get through.  I just can't stop, got to keep moving forward even if it is very slow right now.

This First 4 Months

Don't freak out by the title, I can summarize it pretty quickly....I believe.  

It was very difficult.  I finally got sober by SA's definition (no sex with self or anyone other than the spouse) but I wasn't really getting "progressive victory over lust" yet.  So, looking back I was "technically" sober and also realized I was a "dry drunk" as AA puts it.

As a female in meetings with all men it was difficult to find a sponsor so I could get working on the 12 steps.  I called SA's central office, got numbers for women from all over the country and made calls....LOTS of calls.  I got a lot of "good luck" and "no, can't help you" but one gal did try and help but she would basically tell me to look up the step and see what works for me and do it then call her.  I had no idea what to do with that since I had never worked the steps.  So getting help from women was not working.

I was however getting help from the men in my meetings.  Many were giving me numbers of therapists (I already had one but they thought it might help), giving me advise about calling the central office and encouraging me to not give up.  

Also during this time I had to do another disclosure with my husband.  It caught me off guard as I didn't want to for fear of losing him but he asked during a counseling session and if I was going to be honest and keep being honest I couldn't lie anymore (lying is something I have done all my life so this honesty thing was new).  So I was honest.  That was not easy.  This was the 2nd disclosure I had made to my husband.  The first had been 6 years earlier without the help of a therapist but with the prompting of the therapist.  To admit to my husband that I had been unfaithful, was addicted to porn, masturbation & fantasy was awful.  I will NEVER forget the pain on his face.  I never wanted to see that again.  Then last year when I had to do a second disclosure I saw it again.  I had been unfaithful in the 6 years since my first disclosure and as much as I didn't want to tell him I knew it was the only way to healing and to have a close, honest, intimate relationship with him....as long as he stayed with me.  He has thank God!!

I also had to do some house cleaning as far as getting rid of clothes and "toys".  I put an accountability program on my laptop (see previous post here) and started sending it with my husband to work everyday so I didn't even have the temptation.  Again not so fun.  I didn't think I would care but it was sad to let go of things that were a part of my life, even if only a short time (the toys I had only had a short time).

Many times I wanted to give up.  I felt like I was never going to get the help I needed.  I was never going to get better and I felt sad, lonely and depressed most of the time.  I did get help from one of the men in my meetings.  He helped me do my 1st step.  I did get 3 months of sobriety then lost it.  I was feeling pretty hopeless a lot of the time.  I wanted to go back....back to before I went to treatment.  Back to my "old" way of life.  Back to my "safety" (see last post here).

I had tried another female temporary sponsor but that didn't work out.  I did meet a gal who is now one of my very best friends and I am honored to be her sponsor.

Finally, after months of working my a$$ off to get help and find a sponsor I was encouraged to ask the men in my group as some had sponsored women before and might again.  So the end of Nov 2013 I asked one of the guys and he said he would be my temp sponsor.  Now almost a year later he is my sponsor and has been a HUGE help in helping me get to where I am.

NEVER GIVE UP!!!