Porn Addiction....Part 2

Here I want to talk about my recovery and how I am dealing with my porn addiction. I left off about the time I went to Bethesda healing for women workshop. Before I left I was spiraling in my porn addiction and that is kind of what led my therapist to suggest going to the workshop.

If you haven't read Part 1 the link is HERE

MY RECOVERY JOURNEY:

As I started this intensive part of my journey it was not easy giving up porn. I got home from the workshop and I was looking online 2 days later......this is NOT easy! I got into SA and their definition of sobriety was no sex with self (masturbation) or anyone outside of marriage. So as I worked on that I would dance around the internet to look at things to get aroused but not masturbate. It is stupid because I could not do that but a few times and then I was on porn and masturbating....lost my 3 months of not very good sobriety. So at that point added porn as one of my bottom line behaviors and set up the accountability program on my phone.

I had the accountability program on my computer but had not used my phone for porn. I did my iPad but once my husband found out he sold it. It was my phone that got me in trouble and so on went the program to help hold me accountable. I still had an old phone that I could access the internet on and I would tell my recovery family and was told to surrender it and I would but then take it back. I was having a hard time letting go. FINALLY I did let go and surrendered that phone to my sponsor who still has it to this day.

MY MARRIAGE:

Once I had gone about 2 months without porn my husband noticed a difference in me. The longer I have gone the more I see the changes. These changes keep me from looking at porn. When I get an urge or thought I think about the good that has come from NOT looking at porn. I wish I would have known this years ago. WOW what a difference it makes.

I found a website that talks about the effects on porn in marriage. It is written with men in mind but a lot of these things are the same for women. The link is here.  I am going to share some of these and how they effected me and my marriage AND how abstaining from porn has helped. WARNING I am not holding anything back and could make some uncomfortable but how will anyone learn if I don't share..... Please read the article for their information, I am just using their points and adding my experience.

1) Porn means you can't get aroused by "just" your spouse

This is 100% true for me. I got to the point that my husband just 'didn't do it for me anymore'. The only way to really enjoyed sex with my husband I had to go into my head and think about the stuff I had seen that did arouse me. This completely takes away any intimacy and connection between a husband and wife.

Since stopping....my husband has no trouble getting me aroused and honestly it is amazing and I am so thankful I don't look at porn. I do have tons of images in my head and if I think that I am not able to be completely present with my husband than I will tell him and we will hold off on having sex. I don't want anything in my head to arouse me anymore....only him!

FYI...I will be skipping some that are in the article that don't really apply to me (and to save some time on here). I don't feel that porn wrecked my libido nor did I feel lazy towards sex...so on to number

4) Porn turns "making love" into a foreign concept

Honestly, I feel like it has only been recently that making love was real for me. We had great sex early in our marriage and for many years but for me it was how I thought we were to connect only for me to not feel connected and cry after feeling alone and worth nothing. I felt used a lot (these are my feelings even though my husband has asked for forgiveness for those early years and the times he did use me...still this is MY issue NOT his). I think before all this I felt like we 'made love' maybe a few times over 20 years. That's pretty sad.

NOW we make love and that is so much better than just having sex with no bond or connection. We make sure we are connecting intimately outside the bedroom so that once we do come together it is a real connection. This has been a lot of work for me but it is so worth it.

5) Porn makes regular intercourse seem boring

YES, and I have asked my husband to do things that he was not comfortable doing due to my porn use. WOW, I am so thankful my husband is not addicted to porn. I would try and manipulate him and then get mad if he didn't want to do things. Yes, it did feel boring, VERY boring.

NOW it is NOT!! Taking away porn has freed me to connect with my husband and believe me it is never boring. Funny how that works.

9) Porn makes sex seem like too much work

I can't say that I really felt like sex was too much work, it wasn't BUT I did feel like it was just easier for me to get myself off then to have my husband do any work since I had to be in my head for anything to happen anyway. Masturbation was just easier. It was easy to just give him what he wanted then later take care of myself.

Now I really enjoy the journey and everything about our sex life. Nothing is work and it is worth any effort we put into it. I would rather make love to my husband than masturbate to porn (most of the time...honestly there are days that I just am so distressed that I would rather numb out with masturbation and I tell him this. He offers sex and I tell him that won't help so we talk.....THAT HELPS!!).

10) Porn causes selfishness

I didn't ignore my husbands need for sex due to porn but I also denied him the pleasure of pleasing me with just him (I had to be in my head to get aroused). I was not content in my marriage a lot and I do contribute some of that to porn, other to TV, movies and romantic books. Porn & masturbation are selfish acts and no matter what they do take away from a marriage.

My husband is my biggest supporter and shows me so much grace in all this. He loves me and even though I am doing this (my recovery/healing journey) for me it really is for both of us because we are one. I still have to take one day at a time and thankfully I have great support. 

I do hope those images will decrease with time, I have been told they do. It can still be a struggle but thankfully it is getting easier as time goes on. I just really wanted to share how porn has impacted me and my marriage and how abstaining from porn has had a HUGE benefit. I hope that if you have an issue with porn that you will seek help.

Have a great day!! 

What's Your Secret?

No, I'm not asking for anyone to tell me their secret. I was recently told I needed to share my secret with others. The secret to my success so far in sex addiction recovery (I am still a work in progress, always will be). 

Truth is there is NO secret!! No magic solution. No perfect program or special pill. Recovery is NOT one size fits all and everyone has to work their own program BUT I will share what I have done to help me get to where I am and hopefully that will help others in their journey.

I have blogged about MY program earlier here and it changes all the time. It's a process that changes & grows as I change & grow. 

I do think that getting to the root of the addiction (pain/trauma) is where the healing/recovery truly begins. The addiction is the symptom of the problem and getting to that root is vital.

I don't have all the answers and I sure don't have it all figured out. I take one day at a time and keep growing. Some days are easier than others and I know that I can slip up. I know that I will likely need accountability the rest of my life. 

SA MEETINGS:
I have cut back on meetings and I have a good reason for that. I am not quitting them & will increase if needed but for now I am doing what I need. Meetings are where I found a community to help support and hold me accountable. Where I got a sponsor to help me through struggles and the 12 steps. Where I was able to be my true self. It is where I have gained sobriety. It has also been a great place to build intimate non-sexual relationships with men.

FAITH IN GOD:
I have had a relationship with Jesus since I was a child. This is a spiritual journey so having that foundation, for me has been huge. It is also what keeps me going. I believe that things happen in God's timing and MY journey has been on God's timing, not mine. I have tried to do things on my own but I didn't succeed....God's timing is perfect!

THERAPY:
I have been in therapy off & on for over 20 years dealing with multiple things. I have worked on me, parent issues, marriage issues....THEN I went to Bethesda Workshop for female sex addicts and that was the springboard to the more intensive healing and growth. Since then I have done DBT (dialectical behavioral therapy) and working on trauma healing. There is still a lot of work to be done there.  

AND I cannot forget the support from my loving husband who has stood by me and loves me unconditionally. When I told him that I wanted to blog on this he gave me a lot of suggestions and said we should write a book together....it could happen. :)

Learning my triggers and what to do when they happen. Learning to create a life worth living. Learning to accept myself and even love myself. Learning good self-care (not always good at this but still working on it). Learning that I am worth this journey.

Well that's my share for today on why I can say, 

"I am doing very well today, thank you!".

Filter vs Accountability Program

I should start by saying that one of my issues is porn addiction.  I first remember viewing porn at the age of 5 (magazine) and then later it was magazines and VHS tapes.  Once we got the internet it just got worse.

My husband and I put filters on all our computers when our kids were at an age we felt they needed protection.  For me this was just a little challenge to see how quickly I could "get around" the filter.  It was very easy for me so I knew that our kids didn't have any trouble since they knew more about computers than I did.  

I do think filters are a great thing and I am not saying don't use them I am just telling how things have worked, or not worked for me.  For some filters work great.

After I returned from my intensive workshop I looked at filters and accountability programs to put on my laptop.  I realized the acct. program would be the best option for me because I know me and I know that filters do not work for me.

I have had the acct program on my laptop for about 15 months now and my cell phone for just over a year.  I didn't put it on my phone because I had never used my phone for porn.  I did use my iPad but once my husband found out he sold it.  I ended up putting it on my phone when it was all I had to use to get to porn.  So after that I put the program on it.

For me the accountability program works.  I know that my acct partners will get alerts if I get on anything that I shouldn't and that includes texts, apps, emails.....even this blog could send out an alert due to the words I am using in here.  They also know that if I shut the program off then I am not doing it for any good reason and to check in.

I find that not only do I not look at porn but I am careful about what sites I go to and even links that could have any little thing that would send an alert.  That is how this has helped me.  I do watch for key words that could send an alert and if I think it will I will not click on the site.  I feel that it is helping me avoid even the "little" things that can trigger me to go even further.

It has been just over a year since I last looked at porn and that is a huge victory for me.  I told my husband that I think the last time I went a year without porn was probably the year before we got the internet and I don't even know if that is accurate.

I am thankful for my accountability program and for my acct partners, all part of what helps keep me sober (at least in that area).

Link to website for the program I use is: https://secure.accountable2you.com/