I was recently talking with a fellow sex addict about disclosure and thought that would be a good thing to talk about on here. I will be talking from my own experience and sources like therapy, books, intensive workshop & fellow sex addicts.
I have done 2 disclosures 6 years apart. The first was on my own, without the help of a therapist. I was afraid I was going to get caught and I was spinning out of control and just wanted out. I didn't want to tell my husband I just wanted help to stop and hopefully not have to tell him but he asked and it all came out.....everything and it sucked! I will NEVER forget that day and the look of pain in my husbands eyes. I answered every question he asked and had to keep answering for days, weeks and months later. I would say I gave too much information, at least that is how I feel from what I know now.
The 2nd disclosure was after I had gone to the Healing for Women workshop in Bethesda and I knew that it was going to have to happen but I didn't want to. I wanted to take it to my grave and I feared the end of my marriage (I did the first time but was told he wasn't going to leave and that if I did it again he would so this fear was even greater). I had a better therapist that told me that I didn't have to but if I really wanted an honest, intimate marriage I was going to have to tell him. I was hoping to get some sobriety and recovery under my belt before that happened but in a therapy session with my husband present he just looked at me and asked if there had been anyone in the prior 6 years (since 1st disclosure). I was working on being honest and knew that if I lied at that time then later told him the truth that would be worse than just being honest at that time....so I said yes. OUCH! I again had to see the pain in my husbands eyes, pain that I had caused.
Some things I learned since my first disclosure & what I tell others that ask is:
1) if you want true intimacy in your marriage then a disclosure is a must...and it has to be a FULL disclosure not just what you want them to know or half truths
2) answer questions that they ask but if they want details about the act itself tell them that needs to be discussed in therapy
3) they need to know the nature of acting out (porn/masturbation, long term affairs, same sex, etc...)
4) how long it has been going on....months, years, entire marriage
5) how much money you have spent (if you know...as a woman I didn't think I spent any money because the men paid for hotel rooms but I learned I did spend money just in different ways)
6) consequences like pregnancy & abortion, STD's, loss of employment due to acting out at job
7) anyone they know.....the only names they need are people they know.
8) if anytime you acted out in your home or bed
9) lies you have told to cover your acting out. Sometimes a partner feels crazy about all this and can wonder why they didn't see signs or maybe they did and didn't think that what you were doing was even possible....it is crazy making for them
Don't make excuses for your behavior. Don't try and blame the spouse for your behavior. Don't try and manipulate your spouse into forgiving you. Don't try and avoid any consequences. Don't try and control who your spouse tells, they need to have safe people to talk to for their healing.
Who NOT to tell...well that would be anyone that is not safe. You don't have to tell anyone other than your spouse (& support system). Talk with your therapist before disclosing to kids.
THEN comes the rebuilding TRUST!!! I think that will have to be in another blog as this one is long enough. I will say a couple quick things about this:
It is YOUR responsibility to be trustworthy! It is a process and takes time! And a quote (not sure who but something I got at the workshop)....
REBUILDING TRUST WILL TAKE LONGER THAN YOU WANT
AND SHORTER THAN YOU DESERVE!!
Learning to balance self-care, family, stress, unexpected life events, recovery, healing, fun activities, etc...