Should I Tell or Not????

I was recently talking with a fellow sex addict about disclosure and thought that would be a good thing to talk about on here. I will be talking from my own experience and sources like therapy, books, intensive workshop & fellow sex addicts.

I have done 2 disclosures 6 years apart. The first was on my own, without the help of a therapist. I was afraid I was going to get caught and I was spinning out of control and just wanted out. I didn't want to tell my husband I just wanted help to stop and hopefully not have to tell him but he asked and it all came out.....everything and it sucked! I will NEVER forget that day and the look of pain in my husbands eyes. I answered every question he asked and had to keep answering for days, weeks and months later. I would say I gave too much information, at least that is how I feel from what I know now.

The 2nd disclosure was after I had gone to the Healing for Women workshop in Bethesda and I knew that it was going to have to happen but I didn't want to. I wanted to take it to my grave and I feared the end of my marriage (I did the first time but was told he wasn't going to leave and that if I did it again he would so this fear was even greater). I had a better therapist that told me that I didn't have to but if I really wanted an honest, intimate marriage I was going to have to tell him. I was hoping to get some sobriety and recovery under my belt before that happened but in a therapy session with my husband present he just looked at me and asked if there had been anyone in the prior 6 years (since 1st disclosure). I was working on being honest and knew that if I lied at that time then later told him the truth that would be worse than just being honest at that time....so I said yes. OUCH! I again had to see the pain in my husbands eyes, pain that I had caused.

Some things I learned since my first disclosure & what I tell others that ask is: 

1) if you want true intimacy in your marriage then a disclosure is a must...and it has to be a FULL disclosure not just what you want them to know or half truths

2) answer questions that they ask but if they want details about the act itself tell them that needs to be discussed in therapy

3) they need to know the nature of acting out (porn/masturbation, long term affairs, same sex, etc...)

4) how long it has been going on....months, years, entire marriage

5) how much money you have spent (if you know...as a woman I didn't think I spent any money because the men paid for hotel rooms but I learned I did spend money just in different ways)

6) consequences like pregnancy & abortion, STD's, loss of employment due to acting out at job

7) anyone they know.....the only names they need are people they know. 

8) if anytime you acted out in your home or bed

9) lies you have told to cover your acting out. Sometimes a partner feels crazy about all this and can wonder why they didn't see signs or maybe they did and didn't think that what you were doing was even possible....it is crazy making for them

Don't make excuses for your behavior. Don't try and blame the spouse for your behavior. Don't try and manipulate your spouse into forgiving you. Don't try and avoid any consequences. Don't try and control who your spouse tells, they need to have safe people to talk to for their healing.

Who NOT to tell...well that would be anyone that is not safe. You don't have to tell anyone other than your spouse (& support system). Talk with your therapist before disclosing to kids.

THEN comes the rebuilding TRUST!!! I think that will have to be in another blog as this one is long enough. I will say a couple quick things about this:

It is YOUR responsibility to be trustworthy! It is a process and takes time! And a quote (not sure who but something I got at the workshop)....

REBUILDING TRUST WILL TAKE LONGER THAN YOU WANT 

AND SHORTER THAN YOU DESERVE!!

Over Sharing

Before I started this part of recovery 16+ months ago I did not tell my husband what was going on. I did do one disclosure 6 years before that time but during those 6 years I still hid my thoughts & behaviors from him.

One of the things I had to do for good, healthy healing was to be honest, with my husband (and myself).  So I went from NOT sharing my struggles to OVER sharing my struggles with my husband. I want to be honest with him and not hide or lie to him anymore. This is a boundary issue, I don't have good boundaries but I am learning.

With my recent struggles it has really caused a lot of distress in my husband and part of that is due to my over sharing my struggles.  Giving him more information than he needs or even wants.  I thought that was what he needed but I am learning....slowly at times.....that this is NOT healthy for either of us. I have a great sponsor, therapist and recovery family to share my struggles with.

So I have asked him what he really wants and he does want to know when I am struggling and then if he wants more than that he will ask but I still need to keep it simple with no details or anything.

Working to be honest but not over share is going to take some time and effort on my part as I am really working on being honest and building intimacy with my husband.

Struggling

Lately I have been struggling and I don't like it.

I have been over stressed, high anxiety and feeling a loss of control. I have been escaping into fantasy as that is not something I have to reset my sobriety for. Fantasy is easy, quick and takes me anywhere I want to go and no one has to know.  For me this is just a step down the hill that can lead to a slip or full blown relapse.  Also, the more I entertain the fantasies the closer I get to potentially acting out one of them.  The more I go into these fantasies the more discontent, isolated and depressed I become.  For me fantasy is NOT healthy or helpful.  It is a true escape and a way to numb/medicate to not feel.

It would be easy to just keep all this to myself as it has led to more behaviors that have started me down the path to really messing up but "we are as sick as our secrets" as the AA Big Book puts it.  So keeping what's in my head there will just eventually come out in a very bad way.  It has happened before and I really don't want it to happen again.

I do feel like at times I am in a battle with my addict.  Trying to control her feels like trying to bathe a cat (one that doesn't like water).  I'm not going to win and if I keep trying to control her I am going to get hurt (and in my case so will my husband).  I told my therapist I just need to get control of my thoughts then quickly rephrased that to NO I need to surrender my thoughts. Huge difference.



At the last meeting I went to I was open and honest with my recovery family and told them where I am and that I have been struggling.  Rigorous Honesty.  Thankfully that is a very safe place to do that.  I have also been honest with my husband.  I don't tell him everything but I do tell him I am struggling and he can ask how exactly.  This helps build intimacy with him.

Over the last 16+ months in intense recovery I have had a few slips but no real relapse (I learned there really is a difference) and I am doing what I can to prevent either from happening again.  I just have to keep "getting out of my head".