Thanks For Sharing

Update:  It's been a while since I last blogged......
I was depressed and hoping changes would help. They didn't or maybe they did a little but other stresses created more issues. Instead of feeling better I just slipped further into depression. My anxiety has been high. I don't like this. I used to masturbate to help my anxiety and now I can't (not best word but going to use it for now). I am coming up on 1 yr of sobriety (in just over 6 weeks), I really don't want to mess that up AND it would only be a temporary help that could create long term problems.

I watched the movie Thanks For Sharing recently. It is a movie about sex addiction. I didn't watch it when it first came out as I didn't know if it would be good as I was struggling. I felt like even though I have been dealing with low moods and self-destructive thoughts I have been doing well in not having urges in my sex addiction so I felt like I could handle it.

It was an interesting movie. I did have to turn my head away a couple times. I didn't agree with everything but it did remind me how cunning and baffling this addiction is and I just need to keep aware. 

I know me pretty well and I know that there are things I do that tend to be the start down that road. Little things like the music I listen to, the movies & TV I watch. Not turning away when things come on TV that trigger more thoughts. Being aware that anxiety is a huge trigger for me. Knowing it is summer and it would be easy to dress inappropriately to gain attention, that desire to be lusted after. When I start loosening the boundaries around what I can or cannot do/see thinking that I am okay and that 1 thing won't be a problem THAT'S when I start slipping down that path to....well a SLIP or RELAPSE. I don't want to go there.

I did talk to a friend in the program after the movie because it kind of messed with my head a little. In the movie a guy had 5 years of sobriety and lost it when his emotions were too overwhelming. That is a fear for me. I have seen it in my meetings. Years of sobriety lost in a moment. If that is what will happen then what's the point???? 

The point is I want to be healthy, I want to be free, I want better for myself. I hope I don't mess up (again) at some point but if I do I hope that I am healthy enough to pick myself up and move on. Honestly I REALLY hope I don't mess up....that is my hope and prayer. Just keep reminding myself that this is one day at a time and to take one day at a time or I get overwhelmed.

So maybe I do need to sit down and take a little personal inventory of my current behaviors to see if there is anything I need to change. I have really been doing well SA wise, not having urges to act out. I do have some thoughts from time to time but I let them go in and then out and not dwell on them. I don't feel like I have it figured out I just know what works for me at this time.

That is what is going on with me. I am hoping that the summer settles down a bit and life gives me a little break so I can breathe before the fall/winter months come around and the holidays....UGH!! I just want to enjoy the summer right now.

ONE DAY AT A TIME!!!

Dealing with Triggers

Before I started this intensive part of my healing journey I didn't really know what my triggers were. I think I knew some of them but didn't label them as triggers. When I was at the workshop at Bethesda I had to write out some of my triggers. I had a few I could think of but have since learned that so many things trigger me and I am learning how to deal with those triggers.

What is a trigger? From my understanding is this is anything that STARTS the desire to medicate with the "drug" of choice. Many use the acronym H.A.L.T. (don't let yourself get too Hungry, Angry, Lonely or Tired) as being common among triggers. There are so many more that I could not list them all and people may have different things that trigger them.

For me stress & anxiety are high on the list. Being bored, lonely, tired, sick.....like I said LONG list. Then there are the visual reminders. As a sex addict I cannot "test" myself by watching or reading certain things. I can be triggered by being somewhere I have acted out or driving by somewhere I have acted out.


This is what happened to me the other day. I was driving home and was feeling hungry, tired & anxious when I drove past a hotel I met a guy at. Unfortunately this is a hotel I pass often and my husband knows about me being at this hotel so it can be a stress for both of us. Anyway, as I drove past I looked at the hotel and the memories came flooding in fast. I felt shame start to rise as I remembered what I had done. I quickly prayed and I can say I was praying out load in my car and I was praying hard because I didn't want these thoughts in my head.

I was able to let go of the shame then the thoughts turned a little to what was 'good' (if I could really say anything good came out of that encounter because there was NOTHING good about that). My mind (addict, satan....I tend to put the 2 together at times) wanted me to want something that was NOT good by trying to tell me there was something good about it. Again I prayed and then started listing all the GOOD things that being sober and NOT acting out has done for me.

I finally was able to get home and the thought/trigger was gone....or so I thought. Once I went to bed that night the thoughts assaulted me again. I was frustrated but prayed and was able to mindfully listen to music and fall asleep. The next morning I knew I had to get this stuff out of my head and fast. SO I told my husband. Since I didn't feel like I was going to or even wanted to act on the thoughts I felt safe to tell him. I also know that if I don't get them out of my head, the longer they are there the more power they have and then the possibility of me acting on them becomes more likely and I don't want that.

My husband was grateful I told him and we had a really good, very healing and intimate talk which brought us closer together. I was concerned of re-traumatizing him but he gave me grace and love. I am truly grateful for that.

I have been working on my recovery/healing and growing a lot there. I have been growing in my faith and relationship with God. I have been growing in my relationship with my husband and building a healthier, more intimate relationship with him. Satan doesn't like all this and I know that he will attack, especially in that area for me, I've had it happen before. 

Okay that was a recent trigger but I do get triggered a lot and pretty much all the time. So here are some things I do to help:


I stay connected with my husband & other people
I stay in God's Word & prayer
I work on self-care
I recognize the triggers and let them go
I AVOID triggers I know that I can avoid

I am sure I do other things but can't think of them right now. I know that after the trigger comes the ritual and that is another blog. If I am triggered I avoid going into any ritual because that is just the next step to acting out.

Triggers can't be completely avoided but they can be dealt with to create a healthy healing journey! 

Addiction Recovery and the Holiday Season

I know that we are in the middle of the holiday season but I wanted to share how as a sex addict I have handled things in the past and how I am doing this year. I think I have said this before but as a sex addict my go to's have been mostly porn, masturbation and fantasy so I will be talking about them.

Stress is huge for me this time of year. Shopping, family gatherings, dealing with family in general, along with many other things. When I have been stressed in the past I would turn to my addictive and self-destructive behaviors to deal with, or numb out so I didn't have to "feel" for a bit. These were my 'old' ways to cope and I know that they can still pop up so I have to be alert. Last year during this time I struggled a lot to stay sober, I had used porn & masturbation in early Nov 2013 but was able to avoid those through the rest of the season. I did use other self-destructive behaviors because I didn't want to reset my sobriety date. This is not real recovery/healing, it's just swapping.

This year I have had some stresses and I have been able to handle them....sober. This is a really good feeling. So far I have not felt the need to act out sexually to handle any of the stresses that come my way. I work to stay in the present and only deal with what is right in front of me. I do have to think about shopping and family get together's but I can do the shopping with my husband and in short bits. I know when the family gatherings are so I just have them on the calendar and so far have used the skills I have learned to get through them. I usually plan the day before or a couple days before so that I have everything I need to get through family gatherings in a healthy, skillful way. I can then come home and not feel like acting out to cope.

Self-care has been very important to help me use my skills. Staying in contact with my recovery family helps and having a constant contact with God. I know the season is not over and anything can happen but so far I feel pretty good about how I have been handling the stresses as they come up. 

It really does work and I am really starting to like the 'new' me. Hoping and praying that this will be my new normal for the years to come.

Struggling

Lately I have been struggling and I don't like it.

I have been over stressed, high anxiety and feeling a loss of control. I have been escaping into fantasy as that is not something I have to reset my sobriety for. Fantasy is easy, quick and takes me anywhere I want to go and no one has to know.  For me this is just a step down the hill that can lead to a slip or full blown relapse.  Also, the more I entertain the fantasies the closer I get to potentially acting out one of them.  The more I go into these fantasies the more discontent, isolated and depressed I become.  For me fantasy is NOT healthy or helpful.  It is a true escape and a way to numb/medicate to not feel.

It would be easy to just keep all this to myself as it has led to more behaviors that have started me down the path to really messing up but "we are as sick as our secrets" as the AA Big Book puts it.  So keeping what's in my head there will just eventually come out in a very bad way.  It has happened before and I really don't want it to happen again.

I do feel like at times I am in a battle with my addict.  Trying to control her feels like trying to bathe a cat (one that doesn't like water).  I'm not going to win and if I keep trying to control her I am going to get hurt (and in my case so will my husband).  I told my therapist I just need to get control of my thoughts then quickly rephrased that to NO I need to surrender my thoughts. Huge difference.



At the last meeting I went to I was open and honest with my recovery family and told them where I am and that I have been struggling.  Rigorous Honesty.  Thankfully that is a very safe place to do that.  I have also been honest with my husband.  I don't tell him everything but I do tell him I am struggling and he can ask how exactly.  This helps build intimacy with him.

Over the last 16+ months in intense recovery I have had a few slips but no real relapse (I learned there really is a difference) and I am doing what I can to prevent either from happening again.  I just have to keep "getting out of my head".

Dealing with Trauma

I'll keep this short as I have a busy day plus I do not feel well today.

As I share my journey trauma will come up a lot. This is difficult and one of the reasons I am keeping my name out.  Also the fact that with my addiction I have had affairs on my husband and I am willing to tell anyone everything BUT the affairs.

The trauma is difficult as my childhood appeared normal or maybe even ideal to many.  People just have no idea what goes on behind closed doors.  I also love my parents and have no intention of dragging them through this or even hurting them.  I have empathy for them and even though I have to practice healthy boundaries and some detachment with them I still do not wish them any harm in any way.

There is also trauma/abuse from early in my marriage I have to deal with.  Again I do not wish to hurt my husband (I have already done enough damage there).  Thankfully he knows and has taken responsibility for his abuse early in our marriage.

Over the last 16 months (more so the last year) I have worked the 12 steps in SA, have gone through one round of DBT (Dialectical Behavior Therapy), Emotional Focused Couples Therapy (EFT)=(still in that process) AND working Trauma work through Somatic Experiencing (SE).  That is a LOT of work!! So I am working on healing my inner child, re-parenting myself and a lot of stuff that right now feels a little overwhelming.

Not sure if it is because I don't feel well (possibly dealing with a cold) or if it is because I had a painful flashback last night then more crazy dreams along with sex dreams.  Sleep is an issue for me due to all that.  I don't get good restful sleep and so far no meds have really helped.

So for today I am just taking one moment at a time to feel and heal.  To do some good self-care.  I have a couple appointments today otherwise I would curl up with my bear and sleep (and likely cry).

Feeling is Healing!!  It is very painful to go through but if I want to be better then I have to continue feeling these yucky feelings.

Growth or Safety?

I saw this and just had to share.  As a recovering sex addict and also working on healing my inner child there are days I just want to run back into the safety that is my addiction or any other self-destructive behaviors that have helped me cope through the years.




Some days are easier than others.  I feel like I "step" forward into growth but I RUN back into safety. I am learning and it is a slow process at times and other times I may take a few steps forward.  As long as I am moving in the right direction....forward into growth and healing/recovery then that is all that matters.



Growth is painful.  Remember when you were growing up and you would get pains in your legs and your mom or dad would tell you it was just growing pains?  Growth in recover and healing is also painful both physically and emotionally.  That is why it is so difficult and why many RUN back into safety.



Safety is suppose to be, well safe....RIGHT?  Not always!  I'll speak for myself here and say that for me life has never really felt safe.  People have not been safe and so safety for me was to escape into whatever I needed to for survival.  These could be anywhere from fantasizing (both sexual and non sexual ones), sex, drugs, alcohol, and a host of other things that are too long to list here.  Safety for me was anything to NOT feel, to NOT think, to NOT be.

I am learning what healthy safety is.  Who is safe.  How to stay safe with boundaries and using that little, very difficult word...NO.  I'm learning who I can trust and who I cannot trust.

So as I continue to step forward into growth I am working to not step back into my old safe behaviors but learning to feel safe in my healthy growth. One step at a time.  One day at a time.

The First Week

I decided to pull out my journals and see what I was feeling back in July 2013.  This is the start of the first entry the day after I arrived home from the workshop:

"Being home is rough. I have gotten discouraged, sad, lonely and fear.  I have gone in denial thinking I don't really have a problem &/or thinking I can just do this on my own. Both of which I know are untrue."

I didn't think I would come home and everything would be great but it was a HUGE adjustment getting back into life knowing what I had learned over the last week.  

Before I left I had written out a plan for when I got home.  It was things I needed to do to help with recovery.  I think that first day I just wanted to sleep and watch TV.

Entry from second day being back:

"Yest was rough.  I don't know how to get back into life.  I don't know what to do....I'm lost and confused.  Feeling lonely & sad makes me want to seek to fill those empty spots well the emptiness inside me.  I HATE my life right not (well most of it anyway).  I NEED support, I NEED others that know & understand what I am going through."

Later that day I realized I needed to find a meeting and so I started making calls.  I got a call back for the meeting place for Sexaholics Anonymous (SA) and so I put that on my calendar to attend the first meeting available to me.  I had chosen SA when I was at the workshop for the fact that they have a clear sobriety definition and that is something I needed (still need).  I also made some calls but still felt very alone.  I felt very confused and sad.  I was also very scared about going into a meeting that was likely going to be mostly men if not all men.  Not because I was scared for my safety but because men are my drug of choice. 

The day of the SA meeting I was so nervous that I did "medicate" with porn and masturbation and that helped "numb" me so that I could get to the meeting.  I remember that I was very careful about what I was wearing.  Usually I would dress to be noticed by men and now I was working to dress to NOT be noticed by men.  Trying to find the right clothes did take some effort.  I realized I was going to have to change a lot of my wardrobe.  It was summer and I made sure I wore jeans, t-shirt and took a jacket in case my shirt was a little too tight.

Once I arrived I felt like I could vomit (I didn't, thank God) and was welcomed without question.  I was the only woman in a small, very warm room with men in shorts and me sweating from making sure I was "over dressed".  I do remember that once in there I knew I was exactly where I was meant to be and that I would be back.  I felt completely safe and not judged at all.  I didn't share much but that was okay.  I did get a phone list and a meeting list so that I would know when all the meetings were and numbers to call if I needed help.

I did have my husband pray with me before I left for the meeting.  That helped.  To this day I still cont to pray for the meetings and my recovery family.

So to sum up, my first week back was rough.  I didn't do well with sobriety.  I did get to an SA meeting (which I still go to at least once a week with 2 meetings being my regular and more if needed).  Had a therapy appointment.  Dealt with feelings of not knowing how I felt about my marriage which is for a different time but I knew I loved my husband just didn't know how I felt about him, life, me and our marriage.  It was not the worst week of my life but it was not easy.

I was hoping things would get better quickly but knew that it was likely to get worse before it got better.  It did but it has gotten better, a lot better since then.