I have been over stressed, high anxiety and feeling a loss of control. I have been escaping into fantasy as that is not something I have to reset my sobriety for. Fantasy is easy, quick and takes me anywhere I want to go and no one has to know. For me this is just a step down the hill that can lead to a slip or full blown relapse. Also, the more I entertain the fantasies the closer I get to potentially acting out one of them. The more I go into these fantasies the more discontent, isolated and depressed I become. For me fantasy is NOT healthy or helpful. It is a true escape and a way to numb/medicate to not feel.
It would be easy to just keep all this to myself as it has led to more behaviors that have started me down the path to really messing up but "we are as sick as our secrets" as the AA Big Book puts it. So keeping what's in my head there will just eventually come out in a very bad way. It has happened before and I really don't want it to happen again.
I do feel like at times I am in a battle with my addict. Trying to control her feels like trying to bathe a cat (one that doesn't like water). I'm not going to win and if I keep trying to control her I am going to get hurt (and in my case so will my husband). I told my therapist I just need to get control of my thoughts then quickly rephrased that to NO I need to surrender my thoughts. Huge difference.At the last meeting I went to I was open and honest with my recovery family and told them where I am and that I have been struggling. Rigorous Honesty. Thankfully that is a very safe place to do that. I have also been honest with my husband. I don't tell him everything but I do tell him I am struggling and he can ask how exactly. This helps build intimacy with him.
Over the last 16+ months in intense recovery I have had a few slips but no real relapse (I learned there really is a difference) and I am doing what I can to prevent either from happening again. I just have to keep "getting out of my head".
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