Insanity!

Sometimes I feel like I am just riding a roller coaster and I want to get off.

It feels like a never ending ride with so many ups and downs, twists and turns that I feel dizzy and sick to my stomach.  Sometimes it's good and fun, other times it feels like hell on earth.

I Love this quote!!

Pretty much sums it up.  I tend to keep doing the same things over and over hoping for a different result.  I am working to do things differently so that I will get different results.  In many areas of my life I think I am doing that but in some it feels like nothing changes.  When things I want to change do not I feel hopeless.  When things I want to stay the same change I feel out-of-control.  

In SA's 2nd step it says Came to believe that a Power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity.  For me that Power is God and I am willing to believe that God can restore me to sanity.  Now what is that?

Sane (& Sanity)--from merriam-websters.com

: having a healthy mind : able to think normally

: based on reason or good judgment : rational or sensible

I want a healthy mind and to have good judgment.  I can see where in my addiction I do not have those things.  Good judgment goes out the window very quickly.

I realize I have been having a rough time over the last couple months.  I want healing and recovery.  I am exhausted and want to give up.  I want freedom from the thoughts yet I am afraid that giving them ALL up, letting go I won't know who I am and I will have to feel things I am afraid to feel.  THAT feels like insanity to me.

In May 2013 (before I started intense recovery and went to workshop) I wrote out a poem (sort of) in my journal that reflects these feelings.

"I am a small child in an adult body

I am trapped in a life I don't live but just survive

I fight to be the best I can only to fail-over and over

I am sad, lonely, bored, confused, I don't know who I am!

I don't fit in anywhere-don't know where I belong

I am trapped by my thoughts, controlled by the "demons" inside me

I am NOT possessed by demons because Christs lives in me

I want to be better, I want to be well, I want to be FREE....

but I am scared to death.  

For what I need to be freed from is ALL I know 

and as much as I hate it, it is safety, comfortable, it gives me--me!

Without it I am.....

NOTHING!!

I don't exist..........."

That is my "roller coaster" life before recovery started and at times (many times, like now) it still feels that way.  Today is a struggle and I am taking one moment at a time to get through.  I just can't stop, got to keep moving forward even if it is very slow right now.