The First Week

I decided to pull out my journals and see what I was feeling back in July 2013.  This is the start of the first entry the day after I arrived home from the workshop:

"Being home is rough. I have gotten discouraged, sad, lonely and fear.  I have gone in denial thinking I don't really have a problem &/or thinking I can just do this on my own. Both of which I know are untrue."

I didn't think I would come home and everything would be great but it was a HUGE adjustment getting back into life knowing what I had learned over the last week.  

Before I left I had written out a plan for when I got home.  It was things I needed to do to help with recovery.  I think that first day I just wanted to sleep and watch TV.

Entry from second day being back:

"Yest was rough.  I don't know how to get back into life.  I don't know what to do....I'm lost and confused.  Feeling lonely & sad makes me want to seek to fill those empty spots well the emptiness inside me.  I HATE my life right not (well most of it anyway).  I NEED support, I NEED others that know & understand what I am going through."

Later that day I realized I needed to find a meeting and so I started making calls.  I got a call back for the meeting place for Sexaholics Anonymous (SA) and so I put that on my calendar to attend the first meeting available to me.  I had chosen SA when I was at the workshop for the fact that they have a clear sobriety definition and that is something I needed (still need).  I also made some calls but still felt very alone.  I felt very confused and sad.  I was also very scared about going into a meeting that was likely going to be mostly men if not all men.  Not because I was scared for my safety but because men are my drug of choice. 

The day of the SA meeting I was so nervous that I did "medicate" with porn and masturbation and that helped "numb" me so that I could get to the meeting.  I remember that I was very careful about what I was wearing.  Usually I would dress to be noticed by men and now I was working to dress to NOT be noticed by men.  Trying to find the right clothes did take some effort.  I realized I was going to have to change a lot of my wardrobe.  It was summer and I made sure I wore jeans, t-shirt and took a jacket in case my shirt was a little too tight.

Once I arrived I felt like I could vomit (I didn't, thank God) and was welcomed without question.  I was the only woman in a small, very warm room with men in shorts and me sweating from making sure I was "over dressed".  I do remember that once in there I knew I was exactly where I was meant to be and that I would be back.  I felt completely safe and not judged at all.  I didn't share much but that was okay.  I did get a phone list and a meeting list so that I would know when all the meetings were and numbers to call if I needed help.

I did have my husband pray with me before I left for the meeting.  That helped.  To this day I still cont to pray for the meetings and my recovery family.

So to sum up, my first week back was rough.  I didn't do well with sobriety.  I did get to an SA meeting (which I still go to at least once a week with 2 meetings being my regular and more if needed).  Had a therapy appointment.  Dealt with feelings of not knowing how I felt about my marriage which is for a different time but I knew I loved my husband just didn't know how I felt about him, life, me and our marriage.  It was not the worst week of my life but it was not easy.

I was hoping things would get better quickly but knew that it was likely to get worse before it got better.  It did but it has gotten better, a lot better since then.