Update and some thoughts on recent events

It has been a while since I last blogged and with recent news events I thought maybe this would be a good time to get on here and post.

A quick update on me....as far as the sex addiction...I am doing very well with over 1 year sobriety from masturbation and almost 22 months from porn. I have not been attending meetings and that seems to be working for me. I am in therapy weekly and working on trauma. I have had a lot of stress but I am working on that. I do find I need to seek healthy ways to deal with high anxiety because my go to is to masturbate and I don't want to do that so I have to distract myself until the thought passes....usually doesn't take long for it to pass....thankfully!

Okay now to what has been on my mind....the Ashley Madison leak and the Josh Duggar admission to porn addiction, being on that site and having affairs.

The reason these 2 things have stuck with me is I have been on that site and I am a born again believer in Jesus Christ. Being a Christian (like Josh Duggar) and dealing with sexual sins can bring about a ton of shame and my heart breaks for him and his wife. I just hope and pray they are getting professional help.

As far as the Ashley Madison leak...I have had concerns about any of my info getting out but as my husband said "if it does it does that is the consequences of doing things like that". Very true!! 

My hope in all this is that people will stay off that site and others like it...nothing good comes from having an affair!!

I could say a lot more but I tend to get wordy and I don't think that helps.....

PS...I did NOT want to put any pics of the AM site on here. 

Thanks For Sharing

Update:  It's been a while since I last blogged......
I was depressed and hoping changes would help. They didn't or maybe they did a little but other stresses created more issues. Instead of feeling better I just slipped further into depression. My anxiety has been high. I don't like this. I used to masturbate to help my anxiety and now I can't (not best word but going to use it for now). I am coming up on 1 yr of sobriety (in just over 6 weeks), I really don't want to mess that up AND it would only be a temporary help that could create long term problems.

I watched the movie Thanks For Sharing recently. It is a movie about sex addiction. I didn't watch it when it first came out as I didn't know if it would be good as I was struggling. I felt like even though I have been dealing with low moods and self-destructive thoughts I have been doing well in not having urges in my sex addiction so I felt like I could handle it.

It was an interesting movie. I did have to turn my head away a couple times. I didn't agree with everything but it did remind me how cunning and baffling this addiction is and I just need to keep aware. 

I know me pretty well and I know that there are things I do that tend to be the start down that road. Little things like the music I listen to, the movies & TV I watch. Not turning away when things come on TV that trigger more thoughts. Being aware that anxiety is a huge trigger for me. Knowing it is summer and it would be easy to dress inappropriately to gain attention, that desire to be lusted after. When I start loosening the boundaries around what I can or cannot do/see thinking that I am okay and that 1 thing won't be a problem THAT'S when I start slipping down that path to....well a SLIP or RELAPSE. I don't want to go there.

I did talk to a friend in the program after the movie because it kind of messed with my head a little. In the movie a guy had 5 years of sobriety and lost it when his emotions were too overwhelming. That is a fear for me. I have seen it in my meetings. Years of sobriety lost in a moment. If that is what will happen then what's the point???? 

The point is I want to be healthy, I want to be free, I want better for myself. I hope I don't mess up (again) at some point but if I do I hope that I am healthy enough to pick myself up and move on. Honestly I REALLY hope I don't mess up....that is my hope and prayer. Just keep reminding myself that this is one day at a time and to take one day at a time or I get overwhelmed.

So maybe I do need to sit down and take a little personal inventory of my current behaviors to see if there is anything I need to change. I have really been doing well SA wise, not having urges to act out. I do have some thoughts from time to time but I let them go in and then out and not dwell on them. I don't feel like I have it figured out I just know what works for me at this time.

That is what is going on with me. I am hoping that the summer settles down a bit and life gives me a little break so I can breathe before the fall/winter months come around and the holidays....UGH!! I just want to enjoy the summer right now.

ONE DAY AT A TIME!!!

What a difference a year can make!!

It is April 1st, 2015 and I started thinking back to a year ago when things were NOT going well for me. It has been a crazy year but a GREAT one also. The work I have put in and the changes in me are HUGE! I still have a lot of work to do and I am good with that. I don't have things figured out and I am good with that....I don't need to have them figured out. I do like the person I am now and that is something I wasn't sure I would ever get to. 

A year ago I was spiraling in my addiction. I was seeking the 'high' and getting it. I was seeking to fill an empty void (the God void) in me in the wrong way. I knew what I was doing and I knew it was insane and I wanted to stop but was having trouble with that (that's addiction). I look back at my journal and it is all there, my thoughts, my concerns, my need & want to stop, my wanting help but not wanting help.

What is interesting is that the 3 months leading up to last years slip (Jan-March 2014) was very stressful AND this year the last 3 months (Jan-March 2015) have been very stressful. So why did I slip last year and this year I am sober and happy and moving forward? I would say healing, growth, lots of hard work and my faith in God to grow me into the woman He wants me to be.

I am now living my life and when stress hits I work to do what I need to to make sure I am taking care of me during those times. I stick with things I know I enjoy, cut out things that are not needed at the time. Work on my self-care and that is a lot of hard work.

Looking back here are some things I noticed:

SA Meetings: Jan-March 2014 I attended 23 meetings
                         Jan-March 2015 I attended 5 meetings

Jan-March 2014 I was in DBT group every week PLUS my therapy sessions (which I still do weekly). I was also attending a ladies sex addict support group but I think I only made one or two of those. I was sponsoring 3 gals (not the entire 3 months). I was working the steps and calling my sponsor everyday (pretty much). My husband and I tried a 30 day abstinence with building intimacy (had sex once in those 30 days). I was meeting other ladies in SA for dinner almost weekly.

Jan-March 2015 I have been done with DBT since last Sept so not doing that in a group setting. I do have weekly therapy sessions. I have done an amazing Bible study at my church. I am growing in my walk with Christ. I am only sponsoring one gal. I am not working the steps. I do see them as a moral compass to live by and will work what I need to when I need to but for me they feel like common sense and like I said a moral compass to live by anyway. I am working on my trauma. I don't talk to my sponsor as much (not even weekly sometimes). My husband & I seem closer than ever and it is amazing. I have pulled away from SA a bit and I know that I can always go back/go more frequent if needed. I have worked on building relationships outside SA. I have been getting involved in other activities to enhance and enjoy my life. I have gone to a few Celebrate Recovery meetings and really like them.

So in this past year I had to reset sobriety 2 times (well technically 3). I had to reset this time last year from my slip up from being online chatting with guys. Then in July I masturbated and reset then again a week later and reset....now that is my sobriety date Aug 1st, 2014. That means I am 8 months sober today!!

I have learned a lot about myself over the last year and I think that is why I am doing well. I have learned to love myself, to be okay with who I am and what I deal with. I don't define myself by what I do or what has happened to me. I am growing and healing and this is a journey....MY JOURNEY and it is a lifetime journey that I am glad to be on. I have so much HOPE even in the midst of stress and turmoil (sometimes it feels hopeless AND I know it is not). I think that is all I can hope and pray for today!! 
                                   I AM OKAY!!

Inside My Head

At a recent SA meeting we read about how as sex addicts we and get "drunk" just with our thoughts. I am not an alcoholic so I can not speak for how things work with them but from what I understand is that if there is NO alcohol in the house then it takes effort for an alcoholic to go and get the drug they want/need. I am sure that they have thoughts about drinking but again I cannot speak on how their addiction effects them, only how mine effects me.

As a sex addict I live in my head a lot. I can get "drunk" (so to speak) with just my thoughts. Take away the internet (porn access) put me alone in my house with NO means to access my drug.....BUT my drug is still with me....IN MY HEAD!! ALL THE TIME!! Fantasies can be brought up in an instant and those can lead to acting out with myself. I can still recall porn from when I was a kid. I have gone over 15 months without looking at porn but all it takes is a spit second and I can pull up images that can get me aroused. It is THAT EASY!!

In our sex saturated society it is difficult to get away from pictures, TV, movies, books, etc... that makes this addiction difficult for many (myself included). I have not seen a lot of movies that others talk about due to the fact that I know they would not benefit my mind. I do watch TV that at times I know I need to turn off and at times I do and other times....not so much.

I have been doing very well in this area for months now and I have had several things come up that in the past would have tripped me up very quickly. Someone mentioned a guys name and then the other person said "No, he's a porn star". My mind went quickly from 'what was that name so I could look him up'...to 'NO, let it go'. In then out and don't dwell on it. There are some movies coming out (one in particular) that I have heard women talk about and I guess the trailer for the movie is out (I have seen a trailer for another one that intrigues me). I know this is NOT a movie I can see but my mind quickly goes through the 'well maybe just the trailer'. NOPE!! can't do that. I can't always control the thoughts that come in but I can control what I do with them.

Sometimes I get angry that I can't do what others can or see things that others can but is all that really good for anyone? I don't think so but that is for them to deal with....not me. I can only control me.

My husband and I recently watched some TV that was real life drama on real crimes but dramatized. At first I didn't think much about it because I like to watch those 'who done it' kind of things but I could feel my body tense up and my mind start to spin when certain words were said and different scenes played out. I could tell that it was getting to me a bit and I needed to get it OUT OF MY HEAD. That is the only way to be free of those thoughts. Thankfully I could tell my husband and he was very thankful I told him and very understanding. ACCOUNTABILITY!! I have to have it all the time. 

I want freedom from this addiction. I feel like I have come a long way in getting to this point. To be able to let go of thoughts and not let them control me. To get them out of my head as soon as possible so they don't take up more residence and then start the ball rolling down the hill into a slip or full relapse. It is NOT easy. It is NOT fun. At times it takes everything I've got to surrender the thoughts. Recovery can be very exhausting at times. It can be frustrating when others don't understand why I are not going to see a movie that would be so much fun to see. Or books that 'everyone' is reading but I am not.

I do have God on my side and for me that is huge. I can go to Him in prayer, I have many Bible verses to go to help me in this area. I want a clear mind. I know those images will always be there but I have heard they will fade more and more with time. I am praying for that. There is a huge trade off to having a clear mind and that is being more productive, more effective in my witness (godliness), AND a better marriage. Abstaining from porn (both online and pushing it out of my head) has really helped in my sex life & intimate relationship with my husband. That payoff is worth staying sober from porn!! and everything else involved in my sex addictive behaviors.

Freedom is possible. Surrender is a must. Stop running, stop trying and be open to others and to the grace of God. It is worth the time and effort!!

What's Your Secret?

No, I'm not asking for anyone to tell me their secret. I was recently told I needed to share my secret with others. The secret to my success so far in sex addiction recovery (I am still a work in progress, always will be). 

Truth is there is NO secret!! No magic solution. No perfect program or special pill. Recovery is NOT one size fits all and everyone has to work their own program BUT I will share what I have done to help me get to where I am and hopefully that will help others in their journey.

I have blogged about MY program earlier here and it changes all the time. It's a process that changes & grows as I change & grow. 

I do think that getting to the root of the addiction (pain/trauma) is where the healing/recovery truly begins. The addiction is the symptom of the problem and getting to that root is vital.

I don't have all the answers and I sure don't have it all figured out. I take one day at a time and keep growing. Some days are easier than others and I know that I can slip up. I know that I will likely need accountability the rest of my life. 

SA MEETINGS:
I have cut back on meetings and I have a good reason for that. I am not quitting them & will increase if needed but for now I am doing what I need. Meetings are where I found a community to help support and hold me accountable. Where I got a sponsor to help me through struggles and the 12 steps. Where I was able to be my true self. It is where I have gained sobriety. It has also been a great place to build intimate non-sexual relationships with men.

FAITH IN GOD:
I have had a relationship with Jesus since I was a child. This is a spiritual journey so having that foundation, for me has been huge. It is also what keeps me going. I believe that things happen in God's timing and MY journey has been on God's timing, not mine. I have tried to do things on my own but I didn't succeed....God's timing is perfect!

THERAPY:
I have been in therapy off & on for over 20 years dealing with multiple things. I have worked on me, parent issues, marriage issues....THEN I went to Bethesda Workshop for female sex addicts and that was the springboard to the more intensive healing and growth. Since then I have done DBT (dialectical behavioral therapy) and working on trauma healing. There is still a lot of work to be done there.  

AND I cannot forget the support from my loving husband who has stood by me and loves me unconditionally. When I told him that I wanted to blog on this he gave me a lot of suggestions and said we should write a book together....it could happen. :)

Learning my triggers and what to do when they happen. Learning to create a life worth living. Learning to accept myself and even love myself. Learning good self-care (not always good at this but still working on it). Learning that I am worth this journey.

Well that's my share for today on why I can say, 

"I am doing very well today, thank you!".

The M Word

Yes, I am talking about Masturbation!! 

I just didn't want to put that in the title. 

As a recovering sex addict and a woman I really felt like I needed/wanted to talk about this from my perspective and how it has impacted my life.

I started masturbating at a very young age and have most of my life. It has been why I have had to reset my sobriety date over the last 18 months working this intense recovery and being in SA. By definition in SA it is no sex with self (masturbation) or anyone other than the spouse (defined as husband and wife/man & woman). I do have over 5 months of not doing this and that is the longest I have gone during the last 18 months.

Recently I have had some arguments with my husband and have had some down/distressing times that I would WANT to masturbate just to feel better (self medicate to not deal or feel, not a good reason). I didn't and it has gotten a lot easier to just not do it but sometimes I still want to.


I can honestly say that this is one thing that I have not felt shame about. I remember when I was a kid and I did feel different because I thought only boys did it but soon learned that girls did to and I was okay with it. Even in my marriage I didn't feel quilt or shame for doing it. Maybe for hiding it but even then it was brief quilt and then I moved on. I didn't see how it had any impact on my marriage as it didn't change how often or how much sex we had. So in my mind it was not a bad thing.

Many Christians have issue with this and I would rather not get into all that....I don't think that it is always wrong....that it is black and white. I am only speaking about me, my experience & addiction.

As an addict it is not something I can do and I have seen a big difference in my sex life with my husband from me NOT doing it (the abstaining from porn has been a HUGE help also). So when I was distressed yesterday and thought about it (and got a little angry because I couldn't--issue I work on) I knew I wasn't going to do it but I went through a process. I guess it was a "think past the drink" and realized why I could NOT justify doing it, not now and maybe never. 
Here was my thought process:

1) I could masturbate, it wouldn't hurt anyone, no one would know
2) Will then need to go into fantasy to get the desired results
3) Eventually I will want to view porn as the 2 can & do go together a lot 
4) I will eventually need more and will then need to get online to find guys to chat with 
5) That won't be enough so I will then end up in a hotel/car with a stranger

That is an abbreviated spiral of addiction & what went through my mind to go from thinking masturbating would be okay to having an affair. Not a far leap for an addict and at times can happen very quickly. Plus I don't want to be with anyone else again....I have said in earlier post the grass is NOT greener for me.

So for now, for me masturbation is NOT an option!!

If this is true then it makes sense why people
 would want to masturbate or have sex all the time!!

Addiction Recovery and the Holiday Season

I know that we are in the middle of the holiday season but I wanted to share how as a sex addict I have handled things in the past and how I am doing this year. I think I have said this before but as a sex addict my go to's have been mostly porn, masturbation and fantasy so I will be talking about them.

Stress is huge for me this time of year. Shopping, family gatherings, dealing with family in general, along with many other things. When I have been stressed in the past I would turn to my addictive and self-destructive behaviors to deal with, or numb out so I didn't have to "feel" for a bit. These were my 'old' ways to cope and I know that they can still pop up so I have to be alert. Last year during this time I struggled a lot to stay sober, I had used porn & masturbation in early Nov 2013 but was able to avoid those through the rest of the season. I did use other self-destructive behaviors because I didn't want to reset my sobriety date. This is not real recovery/healing, it's just swapping.

This year I have had some stresses and I have been able to handle them....sober. This is a really good feeling. So far I have not felt the need to act out sexually to handle any of the stresses that come my way. I work to stay in the present and only deal with what is right in front of me. I do have to think about shopping and family get together's but I can do the shopping with my husband and in short bits. I know when the family gatherings are so I just have them on the calendar and so far have used the skills I have learned to get through them. I usually plan the day before or a couple days before so that I have everything I need to get through family gatherings in a healthy, skillful way. I can then come home and not feel like acting out to cope.

Self-care has been very important to help me use my skills. Staying in contact with my recovery family helps and having a constant contact with God. I know the season is not over and anything can happen but so far I feel pretty good about how I have been handling the stresses as they come up. 

It really does work and I am really starting to like the 'new' me. Hoping and praying that this will be my new normal for the years to come.

This First 4 Months

Don't freak out by the title, I can summarize it pretty quickly....I believe.  

It was very difficult.  I finally got sober by SA's definition (no sex with self or anyone other than the spouse) but I wasn't really getting "progressive victory over lust" yet.  So, looking back I was "technically" sober and also realized I was a "dry drunk" as AA puts it.

As a female in meetings with all men it was difficult to find a sponsor so I could get working on the 12 steps.  I called SA's central office, got numbers for women from all over the country and made calls....LOTS of calls.  I got a lot of "good luck" and "no, can't help you" but one gal did try and help but she would basically tell me to look up the step and see what works for me and do it then call her.  I had no idea what to do with that since I had never worked the steps.  So getting help from women was not working.

I was however getting help from the men in my meetings.  Many were giving me numbers of therapists (I already had one but they thought it might help), giving me advise about calling the central office and encouraging me to not give up.  

Also during this time I had to do another disclosure with my husband.  It caught me off guard as I didn't want to for fear of losing him but he asked during a counseling session and if I was going to be honest and keep being honest I couldn't lie anymore (lying is something I have done all my life so this honesty thing was new).  So I was honest.  That was not easy.  This was the 2nd disclosure I had made to my husband.  The first had been 6 years earlier without the help of a therapist but with the prompting of the therapist.  To admit to my husband that I had been unfaithful, was addicted to porn, masturbation & fantasy was awful.  I will NEVER forget the pain on his face.  I never wanted to see that again.  Then last year when I had to do a second disclosure I saw it again.  I had been unfaithful in the 6 years since my first disclosure and as much as I didn't want to tell him I knew it was the only way to healing and to have a close, honest, intimate relationship with him....as long as he stayed with me.  He has thank God!!

I also had to do some house cleaning as far as getting rid of clothes and "toys".  I put an accountability program on my laptop (see previous post here) and started sending it with my husband to work everyday so I didn't even have the temptation.  Again not so fun.  I didn't think I would care but it was sad to let go of things that were a part of my life, even if only a short time (the toys I had only had a short time).

Many times I wanted to give up.  I felt like I was never going to get the help I needed.  I was never going to get better and I felt sad, lonely and depressed most of the time.  I did get help from one of the men in my meetings.  He helped me do my 1st step.  I did get 3 months of sobriety then lost it.  I was feeling pretty hopeless a lot of the time.  I wanted to go back....back to before I went to treatment.  Back to my "old" way of life.  Back to my "safety" (see last post here).

I had tried another female temporary sponsor but that didn't work out.  I did meet a gal who is now one of my very best friends and I am honored to be her sponsor.

Finally, after months of working my a$$ off to get help and find a sponsor I was encouraged to ask the men in my group as some had sponsored women before and might again.  So the end of Nov 2013 I asked one of the guys and he said he would be my temp sponsor.  Now almost a year later he is my sponsor and has been a HUGE help in helping me get to where I am.

NEVER GIVE UP!!!

The First Week

I decided to pull out my journals and see what I was feeling back in July 2013.  This is the start of the first entry the day after I arrived home from the workshop:

"Being home is rough. I have gotten discouraged, sad, lonely and fear.  I have gone in denial thinking I don't really have a problem &/or thinking I can just do this on my own. Both of which I know are untrue."

I didn't think I would come home and everything would be great but it was a HUGE adjustment getting back into life knowing what I had learned over the last week.  

Before I left I had written out a plan for when I got home.  It was things I needed to do to help with recovery.  I think that first day I just wanted to sleep and watch TV.

Entry from second day being back:

"Yest was rough.  I don't know how to get back into life.  I don't know what to do....I'm lost and confused.  Feeling lonely & sad makes me want to seek to fill those empty spots well the emptiness inside me.  I HATE my life right not (well most of it anyway).  I NEED support, I NEED others that know & understand what I am going through."

Later that day I realized I needed to find a meeting and so I started making calls.  I got a call back for the meeting place for Sexaholics Anonymous (SA) and so I put that on my calendar to attend the first meeting available to me.  I had chosen SA when I was at the workshop for the fact that they have a clear sobriety definition and that is something I needed (still need).  I also made some calls but still felt very alone.  I felt very confused and sad.  I was also very scared about going into a meeting that was likely going to be mostly men if not all men.  Not because I was scared for my safety but because men are my drug of choice. 

The day of the SA meeting I was so nervous that I did "medicate" with porn and masturbation and that helped "numb" me so that I could get to the meeting.  I remember that I was very careful about what I was wearing.  Usually I would dress to be noticed by men and now I was working to dress to NOT be noticed by men.  Trying to find the right clothes did take some effort.  I realized I was going to have to change a lot of my wardrobe.  It was summer and I made sure I wore jeans, t-shirt and took a jacket in case my shirt was a little too tight.

Once I arrived I felt like I could vomit (I didn't, thank God) and was welcomed without question.  I was the only woman in a small, very warm room with men in shorts and me sweating from making sure I was "over dressed".  I do remember that once in there I knew I was exactly where I was meant to be and that I would be back.  I felt completely safe and not judged at all.  I didn't share much but that was okay.  I did get a phone list and a meeting list so that I would know when all the meetings were and numbers to call if I needed help.

I did have my husband pray with me before I left for the meeting.  That helped.  To this day I still cont to pray for the meetings and my recovery family.

So to sum up, my first week back was rough.  I didn't do well with sobriety.  I did get to an SA meeting (which I still go to at least once a week with 2 meetings being my regular and more if needed).  Had a therapy appointment.  Dealt with feelings of not knowing how I felt about my marriage which is for a different time but I knew I loved my husband just didn't know how I felt about him, life, me and our marriage.  It was not the worst week of my life but it was not easy.

I was hoping things would get better quickly but knew that it was likely to get worse before it got better.  It did but it has gotten better, a lot better since then.