Inside My Head

At a recent SA meeting we read about how as sex addicts we and get "drunk" just with our thoughts. I am not an alcoholic so I can not speak for how things work with them but from what I understand is that if there is NO alcohol in the house then it takes effort for an alcoholic to go and get the drug they want/need. I am sure that they have thoughts about drinking but again I cannot speak on how their addiction effects them, only how mine effects me.

As a sex addict I live in my head a lot. I can get "drunk" (so to speak) with just my thoughts. Take away the internet (porn access) put me alone in my house with NO means to access my drug.....BUT my drug is still with me....IN MY HEAD!! ALL THE TIME!! Fantasies can be brought up in an instant and those can lead to acting out with myself. I can still recall porn from when I was a kid. I have gone over 15 months without looking at porn but all it takes is a spit second and I can pull up images that can get me aroused. It is THAT EASY!!

In our sex saturated society it is difficult to get away from pictures, TV, movies, books, etc... that makes this addiction difficult for many (myself included). I have not seen a lot of movies that others talk about due to the fact that I know they would not benefit my mind. I do watch TV that at times I know I need to turn off and at times I do and other times....not so much.

I have been doing very well in this area for months now and I have had several things come up that in the past would have tripped me up very quickly. Someone mentioned a guys name and then the other person said "No, he's a porn star". My mind went quickly from 'what was that name so I could look him up'...to 'NO, let it go'. In then out and don't dwell on it. There are some movies coming out (one in particular) that I have heard women talk about and I guess the trailer for the movie is out (I have seen a trailer for another one that intrigues me). I know this is NOT a movie I can see but my mind quickly goes through the 'well maybe just the trailer'. NOPE!! can't do that. I can't always control the thoughts that come in but I can control what I do with them.

Sometimes I get angry that I can't do what others can or see things that others can but is all that really good for anyone? I don't think so but that is for them to deal with....not me. I can only control me.

My husband and I recently watched some TV that was real life drama on real crimes but dramatized. At first I didn't think much about it because I like to watch those 'who done it' kind of things but I could feel my body tense up and my mind start to spin when certain words were said and different scenes played out. I could tell that it was getting to me a bit and I needed to get it OUT OF MY HEAD. That is the only way to be free of those thoughts. Thankfully I could tell my husband and he was very thankful I told him and very understanding. ACCOUNTABILITY!! I have to have it all the time. 

I want freedom from this addiction. I feel like I have come a long way in getting to this point. To be able to let go of thoughts and not let them control me. To get them out of my head as soon as possible so they don't take up more residence and then start the ball rolling down the hill into a slip or full relapse. It is NOT easy. It is NOT fun. At times it takes everything I've got to surrender the thoughts. Recovery can be very exhausting at times. It can be frustrating when others don't understand why I are not going to see a movie that would be so much fun to see. Or books that 'everyone' is reading but I am not.

I do have God on my side and for me that is huge. I can go to Him in prayer, I have many Bible verses to go to help me in this area. I want a clear mind. I know those images will always be there but I have heard they will fade more and more with time. I am praying for that. There is a huge trade off to having a clear mind and that is being more productive, more effective in my witness (godliness), AND a better marriage. Abstaining from porn (both online and pushing it out of my head) has really helped in my sex life & intimate relationship with my husband. That payoff is worth staying sober from porn!! and everything else involved in my sex addictive behaviors.

Freedom is possible. Surrender is a must. Stop running, stop trying and be open to others and to the grace of God. It is worth the time and effort!!

Completely

Right after I had "righted" myself on Nov 25th I heard a song on the radio that I had heard many times but this time I really listened to the words. It is one of my favorites now (I have many). I woke this morning singing it so I wanted to share. I can relate to these lyrics all too well. This is Completely by Among The Thirsty (Christian band/song). Here is the youtube link for the song

I'm feeling so small

Standing here weeping

As I'm coming clean

Of the secrets I'm keeping

I've caused so much pain

To the ones I love the most

And I'm falling apart

As I carry my heart to Your throne

(Chorus) *see below

I'm letting go

There's nothing I own

The treasures I held

Just weighted down my soul

And there's nothing left

Inside of me

But a longing for You

And a longing to be the man that you need

(Chorus)

I let Your gifts take the place of you

But You pulled up my selfishness from its roots

I am a broken and fragile me

But I'm where You want me to be

(Chorus)

Lord complete me

'Cause I'm Yours completely

That's my prayer today!!

Struggling

Lately I have been struggling and I don't like it.

I have been over stressed, high anxiety and feeling a loss of control. I have been escaping into fantasy as that is not something I have to reset my sobriety for. Fantasy is easy, quick and takes me anywhere I want to go and no one has to know.  For me this is just a step down the hill that can lead to a slip or full blown relapse.  Also, the more I entertain the fantasies the closer I get to potentially acting out one of them.  The more I go into these fantasies the more discontent, isolated and depressed I become.  For me fantasy is NOT healthy or helpful.  It is a true escape and a way to numb/medicate to not feel.

It would be easy to just keep all this to myself as it has led to more behaviors that have started me down the path to really messing up but "we are as sick as our secrets" as the AA Big Book puts it.  So keeping what's in my head there will just eventually come out in a very bad way.  It has happened before and I really don't want it to happen again.

I do feel like at times I am in a battle with my addict.  Trying to control her feels like trying to bathe a cat (one that doesn't like water).  I'm not going to win and if I keep trying to control her I am going to get hurt (and in my case so will my husband).  I told my therapist I just need to get control of my thoughts then quickly rephrased that to NO I need to surrender my thoughts. Huge difference.



At the last meeting I went to I was open and honest with my recovery family and told them where I am and that I have been struggling.  Rigorous Honesty.  Thankfully that is a very safe place to do that.  I have also been honest with my husband.  I don't tell him everything but I do tell him I am struggling and he can ask how exactly.  This helps build intimacy with him.

Over the last 16+ months in intense recovery I have had a few slips but no real relapse (I learned there really is a difference) and I am doing what I can to prevent either from happening again.  I just have to keep "getting out of my head".

Cards you've been dealt

I was going to post something different but as I got to the end I had typed out that line...these are the cards I have been dealt....and that made me think of this video.  I love this video and it is worth watching.

I am learning to be okay with the cards I have been dealt.  To know that they are ALL part of my story or like he said in the video God's story.  Something I needed to be reminded of today as it has been a rough day and I have been a little upset at God.

Time to surrender that...........