Working MY Program

It has been a week since I posted on gratitude and I am very thankful that I am still doing very well and very grateful for the progress I have made and am continuing to make. 

Over the past week I have been thinking about my recovery and what I feel is best for me. I had an epiphany last weekend and that is where I am now...trying to figure out what is "right" for me. What does MY program for recovery look like now? How do I need to change things to continue moving forward?

I did talk to a few people about this and I realized I need to be careful as most 12 steppers feel that if you "cut back" on meetings you might as well prepare for a relapse. I understand that many cannot and probably should not do that but I need to figure out what is best for me...not anyone else.

I am listening to my gut, instincts, heart....or most likely God on this one and I am not making any huge changes at this time. I did miss my meetings the past week and to be honest it was actually good for me. I got to spend time with one of my kids which was a much needed thing for both of us. I had a panic attack the night before I was to get up for a meeting and it took a lot out of me...rest was more important at that time. Self-care came first as for me lack of self-care can be worse than missing meetings when it comes to my addiction(s).

My program will continue to change as I change and my life changes and as I heal and grow. I think that should be the case for everyone because if nothing changes then nothing changes and change is what helps us grow.

I did make a chart for myself because there is a HUGE difference in last spring when I cut back on meetings and now. I am NOT quitting or giving up on recovery. I have NO desire to go back into any of my addictive/destructive behaviors (even though I know that the urges will come around and I need to be prepared). I don't plan to stop going to meetings just maybe go to some different ones see if something is a better fit or maybe just go to one a week. I am NOT backing off on my recovery/healing work. 

I DO plan to continue working recovery and healing. Use the tools I have learned and cont to learn on a regular basis. I DO plan to keep moving forward, keep growing in my relationship with God, have fun and enjoy life. I want to get back out in life and serve where God wants me to serve.

I want to create a life worth living not just survive. I want to keep changing to improve myself and my life. I am choosing to work MY program and do what is best for ME!!

Struggling

Lately I have been struggling and I don't like it.

I have been over stressed, high anxiety and feeling a loss of control. I have been escaping into fantasy as that is not something I have to reset my sobriety for. Fantasy is easy, quick and takes me anywhere I want to go and no one has to know.  For me this is just a step down the hill that can lead to a slip or full blown relapse.  Also, the more I entertain the fantasies the closer I get to potentially acting out one of them.  The more I go into these fantasies the more discontent, isolated and depressed I become.  For me fantasy is NOT healthy or helpful.  It is a true escape and a way to numb/medicate to not feel.

It would be easy to just keep all this to myself as it has led to more behaviors that have started me down the path to really messing up but "we are as sick as our secrets" as the AA Big Book puts it.  So keeping what's in my head there will just eventually come out in a very bad way.  It has happened before and I really don't want it to happen again.

I do feel like at times I am in a battle with my addict.  Trying to control her feels like trying to bathe a cat (one that doesn't like water).  I'm not going to win and if I keep trying to control her I am going to get hurt (and in my case so will my husband).  I told my therapist I just need to get control of my thoughts then quickly rephrased that to NO I need to surrender my thoughts. Huge difference.



At the last meeting I went to I was open and honest with my recovery family and told them where I am and that I have been struggling.  Rigorous Honesty.  Thankfully that is a very safe place to do that.  I have also been honest with my husband.  I don't tell him everything but I do tell him I am struggling and he can ask how exactly.  This helps build intimacy with him.

Over the last 16+ months in intense recovery I have had a few slips but no real relapse (I learned there really is a difference) and I am doing what I can to prevent either from happening again.  I just have to keep "getting out of my head".