Update and some thoughts on recent events

It has been a while since I last blogged and with recent news events I thought maybe this would be a good time to get on here and post.

A quick update on me....as far as the sex addiction...I am doing very well with over 1 year sobriety from masturbation and almost 22 months from porn. I have not been attending meetings and that seems to be working for me. I am in therapy weekly and working on trauma. I have had a lot of stress but I am working on that. I do find I need to seek healthy ways to deal with high anxiety because my go to is to masturbate and I don't want to do that so I have to distract myself until the thought passes....usually doesn't take long for it to pass....thankfully!

Okay now to what has been on my mind....the Ashley Madison leak and the Josh Duggar admission to porn addiction, being on that site and having affairs.

The reason these 2 things have stuck with me is I have been on that site and I am a born again believer in Jesus Christ. Being a Christian (like Josh Duggar) and dealing with sexual sins can bring about a ton of shame and my heart breaks for him and his wife. I just hope and pray they are getting professional help.

As far as the Ashley Madison leak...I have had concerns about any of my info getting out but as my husband said "if it does it does that is the consequences of doing things like that". Very true!! 

My hope in all this is that people will stay off that site and others like it...nothing good comes from having an affair!!

I could say a lot more but I tend to get wordy and I don't think that helps.....

PS...I did NOT want to put any pics of the AM site on here. 

Thanks For Sharing

Update:  It's been a while since I last blogged......
I was depressed and hoping changes would help. They didn't or maybe they did a little but other stresses created more issues. Instead of feeling better I just slipped further into depression. My anxiety has been high. I don't like this. I used to masturbate to help my anxiety and now I can't (not best word but going to use it for now). I am coming up on 1 yr of sobriety (in just over 6 weeks), I really don't want to mess that up AND it would only be a temporary help that could create long term problems.

I watched the movie Thanks For Sharing recently. It is a movie about sex addiction. I didn't watch it when it first came out as I didn't know if it would be good as I was struggling. I felt like even though I have been dealing with low moods and self-destructive thoughts I have been doing well in not having urges in my sex addiction so I felt like I could handle it.

It was an interesting movie. I did have to turn my head away a couple times. I didn't agree with everything but it did remind me how cunning and baffling this addiction is and I just need to keep aware. 

I know me pretty well and I know that there are things I do that tend to be the start down that road. Little things like the music I listen to, the movies & TV I watch. Not turning away when things come on TV that trigger more thoughts. Being aware that anxiety is a huge trigger for me. Knowing it is summer and it would be easy to dress inappropriately to gain attention, that desire to be lusted after. When I start loosening the boundaries around what I can or cannot do/see thinking that I am okay and that 1 thing won't be a problem THAT'S when I start slipping down that path to....well a SLIP or RELAPSE. I don't want to go there.

I did talk to a friend in the program after the movie because it kind of messed with my head a little. In the movie a guy had 5 years of sobriety and lost it when his emotions were too overwhelming. That is a fear for me. I have seen it in my meetings. Years of sobriety lost in a moment. If that is what will happen then what's the point???? 

The point is I want to be healthy, I want to be free, I want better for myself. I hope I don't mess up (again) at some point but if I do I hope that I am healthy enough to pick myself up and move on. Honestly I REALLY hope I don't mess up....that is my hope and prayer. Just keep reminding myself that this is one day at a time and to take one day at a time or I get overwhelmed.

So maybe I do need to sit down and take a little personal inventory of my current behaviors to see if there is anything I need to change. I have really been doing well SA wise, not having urges to act out. I do have some thoughts from time to time but I let them go in and then out and not dwell on them. I don't feel like I have it figured out I just know what works for me at this time.

That is what is going on with me. I am hoping that the summer settles down a bit and life gives me a little break so I can breathe before the fall/winter months come around and the holidays....UGH!! I just want to enjoy the summer right now.

ONE DAY AT A TIME!!!

Depression has a hold on me!

I try and deny it. I try to will it away. I fight to NOT be depressed yet here I am.....depressed and I have been for months.

I don't like the word/label. I don't like admitting it. I don't like how it feels. I hate when it happens (and it happens at least 1-2 times a year). 

I work hard to stay up even when inside I want to curl up and hide (or sometimes die). I fight like mad to do the things that are to help a low mood/depression (I know they are not the same but I want to just tell myself I am having a bad day and not that I am truly depressed).

I know why I am depressed. I know what triggered this episode of depression. I am hoping & praying that as things change over the next 4-6 weeks that this depression will lift.


For me depression usually follows an event or several stressful events. I can sometimes see it coming and work to do what I can to NOT fall into depression but that usually doesn't work and I end up dealing with the darkness that has been a part of my life for as long as I can remember.

This is what depression looks like for (and in) me:
Hopelessness
Tired...sleeping a lot/yet not sleeping well
Eating is off...usually not enough & not healthy
Moody.....need I say more
Unable to make decisions on my own (well I can but I second guess myself a lot)
Isolation
Crying or sometimes unable to cry
Feeling sad most of the time
Wanting to give up
Self hatred
Low self esteem
More fights with my husband
Discontent/unhappy with my life
Lonely
Anxiety (although this time doesn't seem to be as bad as before this episode started)
I do lie about how I am doing both to myself and to others

Well that is all I can think of right now.

Thankfully, I can say that I have not gone into a major depressive episode (for me since everyone is different). This has gone between a low grade to moderate depression. I think that being spring has helped and all the skills I have learned in therapy have helped. Getting involved and staying involved even when I didn't feel like it has helped. I have retreated and isolated a LOT but I still work to get out and do some things that are fun.

I am also thankful that during this episode I have been able to maintain sobriety and not revert back to old destructive behaviors just to get through. I have watched a LOT of TV but I will give myself a break on that one since most of what I watch is comedy or programs I enjoy. 

Whenever I would be really low and knew I had an appointment with my psychiatrist I would work on exercising, eating and doing anything I could to bring my mood up just so he wouldn't suggest antidepressants. I am not against them and I know they help a lot of people and have helped me in the past BUT I have BAD side effects from them and there is only one that really works for me but it still has side effects that for now I am not willing to add to my already grumpy mood. 

So for today...I'll be OKAY! 
I am taking one day at a time, one moment at a time and I will keep fighting. 
This too shall pass (I just want it to pass quickly).

Feeling Sad

I AM SAD!!! I thought about just writing out my feelings in my journal but then thought I would share them on here. Of course right now I am feeling a bit sorry for myself and think 'who is going to read this anyway? no one really cares'. I know that is NOT true (well I don't know who reads this but I do know that people DO care).



My sadness is coming from my feelings of abandonment, fear and loneliness. I was to meet with a friend today....someone I was letting in slowly and felt like I could trust but when I arrived that person was NOT there. THEY FORGOT!!  I've not had many friends in my life and very few I actually trust so this was tough.

Now there are times this would happen and I would be like 'okay I have other things to do' then go about my life. Then other times, like today I was hit with FEAR and that feeling that I am NOT important enough to remember. 

This ALL comes from my childhood (well even into adult life) of feeling abandoned and that no one cares. The 'I'm not worth someone else's time' feeling.

Once I got a hold of this person they did apologize (a couple times) and I forgive them. Everyone makes mistakes. The thing is the PAIN and HURT are very real. I feel trust has been broken a bit.

This is when I tend to retreat into myself. Isolate from others and work to NOT get hurt again. I am NOT going to let myself do that this time. I will give it a little time before I REALLY talk to this person as I want to make sure I can be kind and loving and also let them know that it hurt me and that even though I know it was an honest mistake it takes a lot for me to trust people and this put a dent in my trust. 

On my way home I cried, talked to my husband who was very kind and understanding. I thought how easy it has been for me to just live within my head in fantasy most of my life. The people in my fantasies don't hurt me. I don't want to go there either as fantasy does not help me.

Sometimes life just sucks!! Dealing with trauma and past hurts that jump on my back so fast....well it just SUCKS!!! I am letting myself feel instead of caving inward on myself and self-destructing (old patterns). 

I'll be OKAY!! Now for some good healthy self-care and on with living life. This recovery/healing journey is NOT easy!!! It's exhausting.......

Matthew West - Day One (Lyric Video)

The Need to Fit In

I have spent my life wanting to fit it, belong, be a part of but never felt like I ever did....until last year. I remember sitting in an SA meeting and thinking (I think I even said it several times) that I finally 'fit it' somewhere just wish it wasn't in an sex addict group.

Last week I was feeling a bit down and lonely and thought maybe I should just go to more SA meetings just so I feel like I fit in somewhere. This was fleeting as I have my reasons for not going to regular meetings. I did tell my husband what I was thinking and he agreed not a good reason to attend meetings. My therapist also agreed...NOT a good idea for me!

For me to go to meetings to 'fit in' would mean that I would NEED to be struggling to fit in and that is NOT good for me. I have been in support groups for other issues/destructive behaviors in the past and as I get healthier I find that I feel out of place and either need to leave the group or struggle to fit in. This is what I recognized in myself last Dec and knew I needed to back off on the meetings.



Let me just make this clear....I am ONLY talking about me and my recovery journey, how things work for me and in my head. This is NOT to put down 12 step meetings or anyone that feels the need for regular meetings even when doing very well. I think it is great that people with long sobriety and good recovery can go to meetings and be in the meetings to help share with others still struggling....this just does not work for me. 

Thankfully those thoughts were fleeting and I recognized that I was not feeling well and needed rest more than trying to fit in somewhere. I am doing better and I know that these feelings will come and go and hopefully become less and less (as they have) as I continue to grow and love myself and care for myself. 

I have a place I fit in and it is the best....I am a daughter of the One True King and I am dearly loved and that is the BEST place to be. For me I don't believe God called me to fit into any recovery group but led me there to discover things about myself and work on growth and healing. I also can help others by telling my story of healing. There is always a purpose for our struggles but those struggles don't define us. I don't want to define myself as a sex addict but as a believer in Jesus. A recovering human being taking one day at a time......

What a difference a year can make!!

It is April 1st, 2015 and I started thinking back to a year ago when things were NOT going well for me. It has been a crazy year but a GREAT one also. The work I have put in and the changes in me are HUGE! I still have a lot of work to do and I am good with that. I don't have things figured out and I am good with that....I don't need to have them figured out. I do like the person I am now and that is something I wasn't sure I would ever get to. 

A year ago I was spiraling in my addiction. I was seeking the 'high' and getting it. I was seeking to fill an empty void (the God void) in me in the wrong way. I knew what I was doing and I knew it was insane and I wanted to stop but was having trouble with that (that's addiction). I look back at my journal and it is all there, my thoughts, my concerns, my need & want to stop, my wanting help but not wanting help.

What is interesting is that the 3 months leading up to last years slip (Jan-March 2014) was very stressful AND this year the last 3 months (Jan-March 2015) have been very stressful. So why did I slip last year and this year I am sober and happy and moving forward? I would say healing, growth, lots of hard work and my faith in God to grow me into the woman He wants me to be.

I am now living my life and when stress hits I work to do what I need to to make sure I am taking care of me during those times. I stick with things I know I enjoy, cut out things that are not needed at the time. Work on my self-care and that is a lot of hard work.

Looking back here are some things I noticed:

SA Meetings: Jan-March 2014 I attended 23 meetings
                         Jan-March 2015 I attended 5 meetings

Jan-March 2014 I was in DBT group every week PLUS my therapy sessions (which I still do weekly). I was also attending a ladies sex addict support group but I think I only made one or two of those. I was sponsoring 3 gals (not the entire 3 months). I was working the steps and calling my sponsor everyday (pretty much). My husband and I tried a 30 day abstinence with building intimacy (had sex once in those 30 days). I was meeting other ladies in SA for dinner almost weekly.

Jan-March 2015 I have been done with DBT since last Sept so not doing that in a group setting. I do have weekly therapy sessions. I have done an amazing Bible study at my church. I am growing in my walk with Christ. I am only sponsoring one gal. I am not working the steps. I do see them as a moral compass to live by and will work what I need to when I need to but for me they feel like common sense and like I said a moral compass to live by anyway. I am working on my trauma. I don't talk to my sponsor as much (not even weekly sometimes). My husband & I seem closer than ever and it is amazing. I have pulled away from SA a bit and I know that I can always go back/go more frequent if needed. I have worked on building relationships outside SA. I have been getting involved in other activities to enhance and enjoy my life. I have gone to a few Celebrate Recovery meetings and really like them.

So in this past year I had to reset sobriety 2 times (well technically 3). I had to reset this time last year from my slip up from being online chatting with guys. Then in July I masturbated and reset then again a week later and reset....now that is my sobriety date Aug 1st, 2014. That means I am 8 months sober today!!

I have learned a lot about myself over the last year and I think that is why I am doing well. I have learned to love myself, to be okay with who I am and what I deal with. I don't define myself by what I do or what has happened to me. I am growing and healing and this is a journey....MY JOURNEY and it is a lifetime journey that I am glad to be on. I have so much HOPE even in the midst of stress and turmoil (sometimes it feels hopeless AND I know it is not). I think that is all I can hope and pray for today!! 
                                   I AM OKAY!!

Quick Update....

I can't believe March is almost over. This has been one crazy month and it went by so fast. I have had a lot of stress but have been dealing with it the best I can. I have not had struggles with my sex addiction with all this stress over the last month which feels pretty good. It tells me that I am learning and moving forward in life. Using the skills I have been learning.

Learning to balance self-care, family, stress, unexpected life events, recovery, healing, fun activities, etc...
I'M LEARNING!!!!

I am keeping aware because I know me and sometimes the 'addict' part of me will sneak up really fast. I will be working on that for a long time I am sure (if not the rest of my life).

I have not been to an SA meeting in over a month....that is the first I have gone that long since starting in SA. I have said in earlier posts that I am cutting back and I had planned on going to 1 here and the retreat but life circumstances dictated otherwise this past month. I am planning on getting to one this week because April isn't going to be slow either. 

I am enjoying my Bible study and the warm spring weather. Taking one day at a time!!

Well, I really don't have much to say right now. I hope to get back here soon and talk about my recovery process more.

Until next time......HAVE A GREAT DAY!!

Should I Tell or Not????

I was recently talking with a fellow sex addict about disclosure and thought that would be a good thing to talk about on here. I will be talking from my own experience and sources like therapy, books, intensive workshop & fellow sex addicts.

I have done 2 disclosures 6 years apart. The first was on my own, without the help of a therapist. I was afraid I was going to get caught and I was spinning out of control and just wanted out. I didn't want to tell my husband I just wanted help to stop and hopefully not have to tell him but he asked and it all came out.....everything and it sucked! I will NEVER forget that day and the look of pain in my husbands eyes. I answered every question he asked and had to keep answering for days, weeks and months later. I would say I gave too much information, at least that is how I feel from what I know now.

The 2nd disclosure was after I had gone to the Healing for Women workshop in Bethesda and I knew that it was going to have to happen but I didn't want to. I wanted to take it to my grave and I feared the end of my marriage (I did the first time but was told he wasn't going to leave and that if I did it again he would so this fear was even greater). I had a better therapist that told me that I didn't have to but if I really wanted an honest, intimate marriage I was going to have to tell him. I was hoping to get some sobriety and recovery under my belt before that happened but in a therapy session with my husband present he just looked at me and asked if there had been anyone in the prior 6 years (since 1st disclosure). I was working on being honest and knew that if I lied at that time then later told him the truth that would be worse than just being honest at that time....so I said yes. OUCH! I again had to see the pain in my husbands eyes, pain that I had caused.

Some things I learned since my first disclosure & what I tell others that ask is: 

1) if you want true intimacy in your marriage then a disclosure is a must...and it has to be a FULL disclosure not just what you want them to know or half truths

2) answer questions that they ask but if they want details about the act itself tell them that needs to be discussed in therapy

3) they need to know the nature of acting out (porn/masturbation, long term affairs, same sex, etc...)

4) how long it has been going on....months, years, entire marriage

5) how much money you have spent (if you know...as a woman I didn't think I spent any money because the men paid for hotel rooms but I learned I did spend money just in different ways)

6) consequences like pregnancy & abortion, STD's, loss of employment due to acting out at job

7) anyone they know.....the only names they need are people they know. 

8) if anytime you acted out in your home or bed

9) lies you have told to cover your acting out. Sometimes a partner feels crazy about all this and can wonder why they didn't see signs or maybe they did and didn't think that what you were doing was even possible....it is crazy making for them

Don't make excuses for your behavior. Don't try and blame the spouse for your behavior. Don't try and manipulate your spouse into forgiving you. Don't try and avoid any consequences. Don't try and control who your spouse tells, they need to have safe people to talk to for their healing.

Who NOT to tell...well that would be anyone that is not safe. You don't have to tell anyone other than your spouse (& support system). Talk with your therapist before disclosing to kids.

THEN comes the rebuilding TRUST!!! I think that will have to be in another blog as this one is long enough. I will say a couple quick things about this:

It is YOUR responsibility to be trustworthy! It is a process and takes time! And a quote (not sure who but something I got at the workshop)....

REBUILDING TRUST WILL TAKE LONGER THAN YOU WANT 

AND SHORTER THAN YOU DESERVE!!

Porn Addiction....Part 2

Here I want to talk about my recovery and how I am dealing with my porn addiction. I left off about the time I went to Bethesda healing for women workshop. Before I left I was spiraling in my porn addiction and that is kind of what led my therapist to suggest going to the workshop.

If you haven't read Part 1 the link is HERE

MY RECOVERY JOURNEY:

As I started this intensive part of my journey it was not easy giving up porn. I got home from the workshop and I was looking online 2 days later......this is NOT easy! I got into SA and their definition of sobriety was no sex with self (masturbation) or anyone outside of marriage. So as I worked on that I would dance around the internet to look at things to get aroused but not masturbate. It is stupid because I could not do that but a few times and then I was on porn and masturbating....lost my 3 months of not very good sobriety. So at that point added porn as one of my bottom line behaviors and set up the accountability program on my phone.

I had the accountability program on my computer but had not used my phone for porn. I did my iPad but once my husband found out he sold it. It was my phone that got me in trouble and so on went the program to help hold me accountable. I still had an old phone that I could access the internet on and I would tell my recovery family and was told to surrender it and I would but then take it back. I was having a hard time letting go. FINALLY I did let go and surrendered that phone to my sponsor who still has it to this day.

MY MARRIAGE:

Once I had gone about 2 months without porn my husband noticed a difference in me. The longer I have gone the more I see the changes. These changes keep me from looking at porn. When I get an urge or thought I think about the good that has come from NOT looking at porn. I wish I would have known this years ago. WOW what a difference it makes.

I found a website that talks about the effects on porn in marriage. It is written with men in mind but a lot of these things are the same for women. The link is here.  I am going to share some of these and how they effected me and my marriage AND how abstaining from porn has helped. WARNING I am not holding anything back and could make some uncomfortable but how will anyone learn if I don't share..... Please read the article for their information, I am just using their points and adding my experience.

1) Porn means you can't get aroused by "just" your spouse

This is 100% true for me. I got to the point that my husband just 'didn't do it for me anymore'. The only way to really enjoyed sex with my husband I had to go into my head and think about the stuff I had seen that did arouse me. This completely takes away any intimacy and connection between a husband and wife.

Since stopping....my husband has no trouble getting me aroused and honestly it is amazing and I am so thankful I don't look at porn. I do have tons of images in my head and if I think that I am not able to be completely present with my husband than I will tell him and we will hold off on having sex. I don't want anything in my head to arouse me anymore....only him!

FYI...I will be skipping some that are in the article that don't really apply to me (and to save some time on here). I don't feel that porn wrecked my libido nor did I feel lazy towards sex...so on to number

4) Porn turns "making love" into a foreign concept

Honestly, I feel like it has only been recently that making love was real for me. We had great sex early in our marriage and for many years but for me it was how I thought we were to connect only for me to not feel connected and cry after feeling alone and worth nothing. I felt used a lot (these are my feelings even though my husband has asked for forgiveness for those early years and the times he did use me...still this is MY issue NOT his). I think before all this I felt like we 'made love' maybe a few times over 20 years. That's pretty sad.

NOW we make love and that is so much better than just having sex with no bond or connection. We make sure we are connecting intimately outside the bedroom so that once we do come together it is a real connection. This has been a lot of work for me but it is so worth it.

5) Porn makes regular intercourse seem boring

YES, and I have asked my husband to do things that he was not comfortable doing due to my porn use. WOW, I am so thankful my husband is not addicted to porn. I would try and manipulate him and then get mad if he didn't want to do things. Yes, it did feel boring, VERY boring.

NOW it is NOT!! Taking away porn has freed me to connect with my husband and believe me it is never boring. Funny how that works.

9) Porn makes sex seem like too much work

I can't say that I really felt like sex was too much work, it wasn't BUT I did feel like it was just easier for me to get myself off then to have my husband do any work since I had to be in my head for anything to happen anyway. Masturbation was just easier. It was easy to just give him what he wanted then later take care of myself.

Now I really enjoy the journey and everything about our sex life. Nothing is work and it is worth any effort we put into it. I would rather make love to my husband than masturbate to porn (most of the time...honestly there are days that I just am so distressed that I would rather numb out with masturbation and I tell him this. He offers sex and I tell him that won't help so we talk.....THAT HELPS!!).

10) Porn causes selfishness

I didn't ignore my husbands need for sex due to porn but I also denied him the pleasure of pleasing me with just him (I had to be in my head to get aroused). I was not content in my marriage a lot and I do contribute some of that to porn, other to TV, movies and romantic books. Porn & masturbation are selfish acts and no matter what they do take away from a marriage.

My husband is my biggest supporter and shows me so much grace in all this. He loves me and even though I am doing this (my recovery/healing journey) for me it really is for both of us because we are one. I still have to take one day at a time and thankfully I have great support. 

I do hope those images will decrease with time, I have been told they do. It can still be a struggle but thankfully it is getting easier as time goes on. I just really wanted to share how porn has impacted me and my marriage and how abstaining from porn has had a HUGE benefit. I hope that if you have an issue with porn that you will seek help.

Have a great day!! 

Porn Addiction...Part 1

I was going to write about something else but then this came to mind. I have said before that my biggest issues have been with fantasy, masturbation and porn. I have not looked at porn in over 15 months (almost 16) and that is a victory for me. It is not easy. I still get cravings or urges to look. As I was preparing for this blog I was looking for pictures on porn addiction AND well other pics popped up and I would scroll quickly by or get off the page as to not look at them but honestly my adrenaline is pumping and the desire is strong to seek out those images. 

MY STORY:

I was first introduced to porn (magazine) at age 5 and things just seemed to continue from there. My dad had 'girly' magazines arrive by mail and they were not out of sight. So my first exposure were to those magazine which for me did a number on my self-image. Back then these gals were not photo shopped (I don't believe) as it was in the 70's. I wanted to look like them and be like them and one day pose in one of those magazines. That was what my dad liked and I didn't think he liked me so I needed to be like them (the women in those magazines) to have men like me and want me.

By age 11 or so I was exposed to porn movies and then to magazines of nude men. I would masturbate to these things and they helped fuel my fantasies. Before I had the internet it was magazines, VHS tapes and my mind from things I had seen.

Once I was married, my husband and I would view porn together from time to time and he would look at magazines on his own. This was all normal for me as that is how I grew up but I did feel betrayed that my husband would want to look at those women. I felt like I was not good enough. Again, I had that with my father and now with my husband (important men in my life). At some point my husband knew that looking at these things did not help him or our marriage and he was able to let go of them and quit looking at them. Thank God he does not (never did) deal with a true porn addiction.

Once we got a computer and the internet (which at first was dial up....very slow) it was not long that I looked for porn. I would feel guilty, confess and pray that I wouldn't do it again. BUT I did, over and over and once we got DSL (no more dial up) it just got worse. 

I would not have thought of myself as a porn addict. I had control....or so I thought. I could stop anytime I wanted....I just didn't want to. I was having a hard time seeing the problem other than the moral issue that went with it.

When I was first told I was a sex addict (about 8 years ago) it started to sink in just how bad this porn addiction really was. How it had progressively gotten worse and what I was viewing had to keep changing to keep getting the desired result..........which was arousal and masturbation. INSANITY!!  

At my first disclosure to my husband over 7 1/2 years ago he was not only numb from hearing of my infidelity but shocked that I was addicted to porn. He had no idea the amount or kind of porn I was looking at (I didn't tell him what just how much at my best guess). At that point porn was to be off limits for me (as was other men & masturbation). I did well for a few months but then I was back at the porn and masturbation and I think I justified it in my head saying that it didn't hurt my marriage and that it kept me from going outside my marriage...HUGE LIES!!! Also, I did these without my husbands knowledge.  I do believe I cut way back on the amount/time spend engaging in these activities over the 6 years from first disclosure to going to Bethesda workshop for women.

In part 2 I will talk about recovery, stopping and the impact on my marriage.....
You can read part 2 HERE

Dealing with Triggers

Before I started this intensive part of my healing journey I didn't really know what my triggers were. I think I knew some of them but didn't label them as triggers. When I was at the workshop at Bethesda I had to write out some of my triggers. I had a few I could think of but have since learned that so many things trigger me and I am learning how to deal with those triggers.

What is a trigger? From my understanding is this is anything that STARTS the desire to medicate with the "drug" of choice. Many use the acronym H.A.L.T. (don't let yourself get too Hungry, Angry, Lonely or Tired) as being common among triggers. There are so many more that I could not list them all and people may have different things that trigger them.

For me stress & anxiety are high on the list. Being bored, lonely, tired, sick.....like I said LONG list. Then there are the visual reminders. As a sex addict I cannot "test" myself by watching or reading certain things. I can be triggered by being somewhere I have acted out or driving by somewhere I have acted out.


This is what happened to me the other day. I was driving home and was feeling hungry, tired & anxious when I drove past a hotel I met a guy at. Unfortunately this is a hotel I pass often and my husband knows about me being at this hotel so it can be a stress for both of us. Anyway, as I drove past I looked at the hotel and the memories came flooding in fast. I felt shame start to rise as I remembered what I had done. I quickly prayed and I can say I was praying out load in my car and I was praying hard because I didn't want these thoughts in my head.

I was able to let go of the shame then the thoughts turned a little to what was 'good' (if I could really say anything good came out of that encounter because there was NOTHING good about that). My mind (addict, satan....I tend to put the 2 together at times) wanted me to want something that was NOT good by trying to tell me there was something good about it. Again I prayed and then started listing all the GOOD things that being sober and NOT acting out has done for me.

I finally was able to get home and the thought/trigger was gone....or so I thought. Once I went to bed that night the thoughts assaulted me again. I was frustrated but prayed and was able to mindfully listen to music and fall asleep. The next morning I knew I had to get this stuff out of my head and fast. SO I told my husband. Since I didn't feel like I was going to or even wanted to act on the thoughts I felt safe to tell him. I also know that if I don't get them out of my head, the longer they are there the more power they have and then the possibility of me acting on them becomes more likely and I don't want that.

My husband was grateful I told him and we had a really good, very healing and intimate talk which brought us closer together. I was concerned of re-traumatizing him but he gave me grace and love. I am truly grateful for that.

I have been working on my recovery/healing and growing a lot there. I have been growing in my faith and relationship with God. I have been growing in my relationship with my husband and building a healthier, more intimate relationship with him. Satan doesn't like all this and I know that he will attack, especially in that area for me, I've had it happen before. 

Okay that was a recent trigger but I do get triggered a lot and pretty much all the time. So here are some things I do to help:


I stay connected with my husband & other people
I stay in God's Word & prayer
I work on self-care
I recognize the triggers and let them go
I AVOID triggers I know that I can avoid

I am sure I do other things but can't think of them right now. I know that after the trigger comes the ritual and that is another blog. If I am triggered I avoid going into any ritual because that is just the next step to acting out.

Triggers can't be completely avoided but they can be dealt with to create a healthy healing journey! 

Inside My Head

At a recent SA meeting we read about how as sex addicts we and get "drunk" just with our thoughts. I am not an alcoholic so I can not speak for how things work with them but from what I understand is that if there is NO alcohol in the house then it takes effort for an alcoholic to go and get the drug they want/need. I am sure that they have thoughts about drinking but again I cannot speak on how their addiction effects them, only how mine effects me.

As a sex addict I live in my head a lot. I can get "drunk" (so to speak) with just my thoughts. Take away the internet (porn access) put me alone in my house with NO means to access my drug.....BUT my drug is still with me....IN MY HEAD!! ALL THE TIME!! Fantasies can be brought up in an instant and those can lead to acting out with myself. I can still recall porn from when I was a kid. I have gone over 15 months without looking at porn but all it takes is a spit second and I can pull up images that can get me aroused. It is THAT EASY!!

In our sex saturated society it is difficult to get away from pictures, TV, movies, books, etc... that makes this addiction difficult for many (myself included). I have not seen a lot of movies that others talk about due to the fact that I know they would not benefit my mind. I do watch TV that at times I know I need to turn off and at times I do and other times....not so much.

I have been doing very well in this area for months now and I have had several things come up that in the past would have tripped me up very quickly. Someone mentioned a guys name and then the other person said "No, he's a porn star". My mind went quickly from 'what was that name so I could look him up'...to 'NO, let it go'. In then out and don't dwell on it. There are some movies coming out (one in particular) that I have heard women talk about and I guess the trailer for the movie is out (I have seen a trailer for another one that intrigues me). I know this is NOT a movie I can see but my mind quickly goes through the 'well maybe just the trailer'. NOPE!! can't do that. I can't always control the thoughts that come in but I can control what I do with them.

Sometimes I get angry that I can't do what others can or see things that others can but is all that really good for anyone? I don't think so but that is for them to deal with....not me. I can only control me.

My husband and I recently watched some TV that was real life drama on real crimes but dramatized. At first I didn't think much about it because I like to watch those 'who done it' kind of things but I could feel my body tense up and my mind start to spin when certain words were said and different scenes played out. I could tell that it was getting to me a bit and I needed to get it OUT OF MY HEAD. That is the only way to be free of those thoughts. Thankfully I could tell my husband and he was very thankful I told him and very understanding. ACCOUNTABILITY!! I have to have it all the time. 

I want freedom from this addiction. I feel like I have come a long way in getting to this point. To be able to let go of thoughts and not let them control me. To get them out of my head as soon as possible so they don't take up more residence and then start the ball rolling down the hill into a slip or full relapse. It is NOT easy. It is NOT fun. At times it takes everything I've got to surrender the thoughts. Recovery can be very exhausting at times. It can be frustrating when others don't understand why I are not going to see a movie that would be so much fun to see. Or books that 'everyone' is reading but I am not.

I do have God on my side and for me that is huge. I can go to Him in prayer, I have many Bible verses to go to help me in this area. I want a clear mind. I know those images will always be there but I have heard they will fade more and more with time. I am praying for that. There is a huge trade off to having a clear mind and that is being more productive, more effective in my witness (godliness), AND a better marriage. Abstaining from porn (both online and pushing it out of my head) has really helped in my sex life & intimate relationship with my husband. That payoff is worth staying sober from porn!! and everything else involved in my sex addictive behaviors.

Freedom is possible. Surrender is a must. Stop running, stop trying and be open to others and to the grace of God. It is worth the time and effort!!

Fairy Tales, Romance & Real Life

A great deal of my life I have lived in a fantasy world....in my head that is. From a very early age I dreamed of the "perfect" man, life, kids, house, etc.... I think that is every little girls dream. I also fantasized about SO many other things but that is not what I am going to talk about today.

I have read many romance novels and I love romantic movies. This may not seem like a bad thing but for me I know that if I am not careful these things DO create a problem. No one can live up to the fairy tale happiness in these books and movies. Love and sex do not play out that way in real life.

Recently I have had some major changes to adjust to and some traumatic events to deal with. Stress to put it mildly. When I get stressed my anxiety goes up and then I want to retreat into something that is unreal, escape into fantasy. Not always a sexual fantasy but just anything that takes me out of real life. Lately, my husband has been very busy and we have not had as much time together as I would like. So I started reading a romance novel (not an erotic novel...can't do those anymore). Within a few pages I start to feel it....that feeling that something is not right. Not so long ago I would have gotten angry and not know what the problem was BUT now I know. 

DISCONTENTMENT!!

I become discontent with my marriage! WHY? Because I want the romance, the fun, the crazy love that is in the book. What I have is a very busy husband working to provide for his family. A man that loves me for me and has accepted me for who I am. Someone that likes to take care of me, do special things for me, sacrifice sleep to listen to yet another one of my boring rambling stories (well sometimes he will fall asleep to them but I don't blame him for that). Someone that loves me unconditionally. He is not perfect....AND neither am I. We have been married a long time and have been through a lot together and we are still together, working to grow our marriage even after many events that would tear a marriage apart. 

Once we started dating I thought it was crazy that he wanted to spend time with me and not to just have sex (although that was a part of our dating). We had a rocky start but once we decided to get married I thought I had found my knight in shining armor. The young man that was coming to rescue this young girl who already had one kid and now with 2. That fantasy was shattered really quickly and then I went back into my head.

I used fantasy to escape during most of my marriage. I would fantasize about the "perfect" man coming to rescue me from my now not so perfect husband. Once I actually went outside my marriage I realized that real life still did not measure up to my fantasies. Then reality really hit (the disclosure of those events).

I don't believe in fairy tales. I believe in real love. I believe that I have to work on me to be a better wife and not try to change my husband. I do believe in romance but not what is in the books, TV or movies but what my husband really does for me...the little things and sometimes really big ones. Real life is not always fun but once I stepped out of the fairy tales and fantasy of what I thought life and marriage should be and stepped into what is real and true I have found that inner peace and love of self that I cannot even express how amazing that is. I now look at my husband and love him no matter what. He is my prince. He is the one I want to grow old with. He has been an amazing father to our kids. He is loving and kind. He is compassionate. He works hard to provide so I can stay home. 

Our love story may not read like a fairy tale or romance novel but I would rather be living in real life with the man I do have than pursuing a fantasy that can never be.

REAL LIFE.....A MUCH BETTER PLACE TO LIVE!!

<-------That would be my husband!! 
I am very thankful that God brought us together & I have a man like that!!

Are You Connected?

A couple days ago I read an article on addiction and that there might be more to it than a hijack of the brain. It talks about human connection and isolation and how those may be the keys to addiction (why someone becomes addicted and others do not & how people overcome addictions many times without rehab). I will put a link to the article later, I did find it very interesting and a lot of it made sense to me so I wanted to talk about it and share my thoughts. I am not a doctor or a specialist I am just someone that has dealt with addictions. 

This article did get me thinking and words from SA's White Book kept coming to mind. In The Problem in SAWB it starts out by saying "Many of us felt inadequate, unworthy, ALONE and afraid.". Then a bit later, "Early on, we came to feel DISCONNECTED-". "Please CONNECT with me and make me whole!"

SA White Book but with
 the title on the cover

Just reading The Problem in the White Book is enough to know that for a sex addict our biggest problem is our feeling alone, isolated, like no one understands, wants us, we are unworthy of love.... We reach for connection the only way we know how. Many sex addicts were abused as children and kids need to feel safe to connect. As a sex addict I was abused and did not feel safe as a kid and still struggle with that feeling.

First come the fantasies. That is a way to escape and feel connected to something even though it is not real. Then it just spirals from there. Once we connect with others there seems to be something missing. The connection is not real, it cannot be real because we have become lost inside ourselves.

"We took from others to fill up what was lacking in ourselves" (SAWB). Intimacy is missing. Love is elusive even though it 'feels' like we love others we cannot know real love until we first learn to love ourselves.

The Solution (yes, that is the next page in the White Book). "Encouraged to continue, we turned more and more away from our ISOLATING obsession with sex and self and turned to GOD and OTHERS." We know that others have done this and we see that they have healing and that is what we want. The fellowship of other sex addicts help us, hold us accountable, a safe place to face ourselves for the first time. In the community of other addicts we begin to heal, grow and know that there is life without the chains of the addiction.

I know that I have cut back on meetings and that is good for me. I am going out and connecting with other people in healthy ways. My sponsor says that it's all about relationships. We go to meetings to learn how to have healthy relationships so we can go out in the world and live a life worth living....or better yet create a life worth living!

Link to article...HERE!! It is pretty interesting.