Porn Addiction....Part 2

Here I want to talk about my recovery and how I am dealing with my porn addiction. I left off about the time I went to Bethesda healing for women workshop. Before I left I was spiraling in my porn addiction and that is kind of what led my therapist to suggest going to the workshop.

If you haven't read Part 1 the link is HERE

MY RECOVERY JOURNEY:

As I started this intensive part of my journey it was not easy giving up porn. I got home from the workshop and I was looking online 2 days later......this is NOT easy! I got into SA and their definition of sobriety was no sex with self (masturbation) or anyone outside of marriage. So as I worked on that I would dance around the internet to look at things to get aroused but not masturbate. It is stupid because I could not do that but a few times and then I was on porn and masturbating....lost my 3 months of not very good sobriety. So at that point added porn as one of my bottom line behaviors and set up the accountability program on my phone.

I had the accountability program on my computer but had not used my phone for porn. I did my iPad but once my husband found out he sold it. It was my phone that got me in trouble and so on went the program to help hold me accountable. I still had an old phone that I could access the internet on and I would tell my recovery family and was told to surrender it and I would but then take it back. I was having a hard time letting go. FINALLY I did let go and surrendered that phone to my sponsor who still has it to this day.

MY MARRIAGE:

Once I had gone about 2 months without porn my husband noticed a difference in me. The longer I have gone the more I see the changes. These changes keep me from looking at porn. When I get an urge or thought I think about the good that has come from NOT looking at porn. I wish I would have known this years ago. WOW what a difference it makes.

I found a website that talks about the effects on porn in marriage. It is written with men in mind but a lot of these things are the same for women. The link is here.  I am going to share some of these and how they effected me and my marriage AND how abstaining from porn has helped. WARNING I am not holding anything back and could make some uncomfortable but how will anyone learn if I don't share..... Please read the article for their information, I am just using their points and adding my experience.

1) Porn means you can't get aroused by "just" your spouse

This is 100% true for me. I got to the point that my husband just 'didn't do it for me anymore'. The only way to really enjoyed sex with my husband I had to go into my head and think about the stuff I had seen that did arouse me. This completely takes away any intimacy and connection between a husband and wife.

Since stopping....my husband has no trouble getting me aroused and honestly it is amazing and I am so thankful I don't look at porn. I do have tons of images in my head and if I think that I am not able to be completely present with my husband than I will tell him and we will hold off on having sex. I don't want anything in my head to arouse me anymore....only him!

FYI...I will be skipping some that are in the article that don't really apply to me (and to save some time on here). I don't feel that porn wrecked my libido nor did I feel lazy towards sex...so on to number

4) Porn turns "making love" into a foreign concept

Honestly, I feel like it has only been recently that making love was real for me. We had great sex early in our marriage and for many years but for me it was how I thought we were to connect only for me to not feel connected and cry after feeling alone and worth nothing. I felt used a lot (these are my feelings even though my husband has asked for forgiveness for those early years and the times he did use me...still this is MY issue NOT his). I think before all this I felt like we 'made love' maybe a few times over 20 years. That's pretty sad.

NOW we make love and that is so much better than just having sex with no bond or connection. We make sure we are connecting intimately outside the bedroom so that once we do come together it is a real connection. This has been a lot of work for me but it is so worth it.

5) Porn makes regular intercourse seem boring

YES, and I have asked my husband to do things that he was not comfortable doing due to my porn use. WOW, I am so thankful my husband is not addicted to porn. I would try and manipulate him and then get mad if he didn't want to do things. Yes, it did feel boring, VERY boring.

NOW it is NOT!! Taking away porn has freed me to connect with my husband and believe me it is never boring. Funny how that works.

9) Porn makes sex seem like too much work

I can't say that I really felt like sex was too much work, it wasn't BUT I did feel like it was just easier for me to get myself off then to have my husband do any work since I had to be in my head for anything to happen anyway. Masturbation was just easier. It was easy to just give him what he wanted then later take care of myself.

Now I really enjoy the journey and everything about our sex life. Nothing is work and it is worth any effort we put into it. I would rather make love to my husband than masturbate to porn (most of the time...honestly there are days that I just am so distressed that I would rather numb out with masturbation and I tell him this. He offers sex and I tell him that won't help so we talk.....THAT HELPS!!).

10) Porn causes selfishness

I didn't ignore my husbands need for sex due to porn but I also denied him the pleasure of pleasing me with just him (I had to be in my head to get aroused). I was not content in my marriage a lot and I do contribute some of that to porn, other to TV, movies and romantic books. Porn & masturbation are selfish acts and no matter what they do take away from a marriage.

My husband is my biggest supporter and shows me so much grace in all this. He loves me and even though I am doing this (my recovery/healing journey) for me it really is for both of us because we are one. I still have to take one day at a time and thankfully I have great support. 

I do hope those images will decrease with time, I have been told they do. It can still be a struggle but thankfully it is getting easier as time goes on. I just really wanted to share how porn has impacted me and my marriage and how abstaining from porn has had a HUGE benefit. I hope that if you have an issue with porn that you will seek help.

Have a great day!!