What a difference a year can make!!

It is April 1st, 2015 and I started thinking back to a year ago when things were NOT going well for me. It has been a crazy year but a GREAT one also. The work I have put in and the changes in me are HUGE! I still have a lot of work to do and I am good with that. I don't have things figured out and I am good with that....I don't need to have them figured out. I do like the person I am now and that is something I wasn't sure I would ever get to. 

A year ago I was spiraling in my addiction. I was seeking the 'high' and getting it. I was seeking to fill an empty void (the God void) in me in the wrong way. I knew what I was doing and I knew it was insane and I wanted to stop but was having trouble with that (that's addiction). I look back at my journal and it is all there, my thoughts, my concerns, my need & want to stop, my wanting help but not wanting help.

What is interesting is that the 3 months leading up to last years slip (Jan-March 2014) was very stressful AND this year the last 3 months (Jan-March 2015) have been very stressful. So why did I slip last year and this year I am sober and happy and moving forward? I would say healing, growth, lots of hard work and my faith in God to grow me into the woman He wants me to be.

I am now living my life and when stress hits I work to do what I need to to make sure I am taking care of me during those times. I stick with things I know I enjoy, cut out things that are not needed at the time. Work on my self-care and that is a lot of hard work.

Looking back here are some things I noticed:

SA Meetings: Jan-March 2014 I attended 23 meetings
                         Jan-March 2015 I attended 5 meetings

Jan-March 2014 I was in DBT group every week PLUS my therapy sessions (which I still do weekly). I was also attending a ladies sex addict support group but I think I only made one or two of those. I was sponsoring 3 gals (not the entire 3 months). I was working the steps and calling my sponsor everyday (pretty much). My husband and I tried a 30 day abstinence with building intimacy (had sex once in those 30 days). I was meeting other ladies in SA for dinner almost weekly.

Jan-March 2015 I have been done with DBT since last Sept so not doing that in a group setting. I do have weekly therapy sessions. I have done an amazing Bible study at my church. I am growing in my walk with Christ. I am only sponsoring one gal. I am not working the steps. I do see them as a moral compass to live by and will work what I need to when I need to but for me they feel like common sense and like I said a moral compass to live by anyway. I am working on my trauma. I don't talk to my sponsor as much (not even weekly sometimes). My husband & I seem closer than ever and it is amazing. I have pulled away from SA a bit and I know that I can always go back/go more frequent if needed. I have worked on building relationships outside SA. I have been getting involved in other activities to enhance and enjoy my life. I have gone to a few Celebrate Recovery meetings and really like them.

So in this past year I had to reset sobriety 2 times (well technically 3). I had to reset this time last year from my slip up from being online chatting with guys. Then in July I masturbated and reset then again a week later and reset....now that is my sobriety date Aug 1st, 2014. That means I am 8 months sober today!!

I have learned a lot about myself over the last year and I think that is why I am doing well. I have learned to love myself, to be okay with who I am and what I deal with. I don't define myself by what I do or what has happened to me. I am growing and healing and this is a journey....MY JOURNEY and it is a lifetime journey that I am glad to be on. I have so much HOPE even in the midst of stress and turmoil (sometimes it feels hopeless AND I know it is not). I think that is all I can hope and pray for today!! 
                                   I AM OKAY!!

What's Your Secret?

No, I'm not asking for anyone to tell me their secret. I was recently told I needed to share my secret with others. The secret to my success so far in sex addiction recovery (I am still a work in progress, always will be). 

Truth is there is NO secret!! No magic solution. No perfect program or special pill. Recovery is NOT one size fits all and everyone has to work their own program BUT I will share what I have done to help me get to where I am and hopefully that will help others in their journey.

I have blogged about MY program earlier here and it changes all the time. It's a process that changes & grows as I change & grow. 

I do think that getting to the root of the addiction (pain/trauma) is where the healing/recovery truly begins. The addiction is the symptom of the problem and getting to that root is vital.

I don't have all the answers and I sure don't have it all figured out. I take one day at a time and keep growing. Some days are easier than others and I know that I can slip up. I know that I will likely need accountability the rest of my life. 

SA MEETINGS:
I have cut back on meetings and I have a good reason for that. I am not quitting them & will increase if needed but for now I am doing what I need. Meetings are where I found a community to help support and hold me accountable. Where I got a sponsor to help me through struggles and the 12 steps. Where I was able to be my true self. It is where I have gained sobriety. It has also been a great place to build intimate non-sexual relationships with men.

FAITH IN GOD:
I have had a relationship with Jesus since I was a child. This is a spiritual journey so having that foundation, for me has been huge. It is also what keeps me going. I believe that things happen in God's timing and MY journey has been on God's timing, not mine. I have tried to do things on my own but I didn't succeed....God's timing is perfect!

THERAPY:
I have been in therapy off & on for over 20 years dealing with multiple things. I have worked on me, parent issues, marriage issues....THEN I went to Bethesda Workshop for female sex addicts and that was the springboard to the more intensive healing and growth. Since then I have done DBT (dialectical behavioral therapy) and working on trauma healing. There is still a lot of work to be done there.  

AND I cannot forget the support from my loving husband who has stood by me and loves me unconditionally. When I told him that I wanted to blog on this he gave me a lot of suggestions and said we should write a book together....it could happen. :)

Learning my triggers and what to do when they happen. Learning to create a life worth living. Learning to accept myself and even love myself. Learning good self-care (not always good at this but still working on it). Learning that I am worth this journey.

Well that's my share for today on why I can say, 

"I am doing very well today, thank you!".

Gratitude

The Thanksgiving weekend (4 days) is about over and so is the month of November. Crazy how time flies. It seems to me that people focus on being thankful around Thanksgiving or even the month of Nov. I believe being thankful/grateful/full of gratitude should be an every day occurrence.  That's my opinion.

I have been a bit reflective on the past 6 days or so since I posted about my struggling and looking back helping me to move forward posts. What has changed? Why now in better place? How long will this last? Thoughts and questions I ask myself.

I do know that one thing is my PERSPECTIVE on life and how I handle things. Looking back really helped me to be thankful for where I am at and grateful for what I have now. I am thankful for so many things that I would not be able to list them all here.

I've worked on tools to help me through some potentially difficult times and just being prepared helped and didn't even have to use many of the tools I prepared, but I was ready for anything.  I have worked on communicating with my husband on what I need and how to better handle my struggles. I have been confused over trying to listen to others (sponsor, recovery family, therapist) about things I maybe need to do for healing and what I feel it right. This is something I took to God in prayer and just told Him how confused I was and that brought me to my therapist and DBT skills...what would she say "what does your wise mind tell you?". So I sat down and worked that up using DBT skills and came up with what I felt was best for me using my wise mind (this is a Mindfulness skill) and then sat down with my husband and talked it over with him. He was in agreement over the "new" plan.

Things haven't been perfect but they never will be but I am very grateful that today (& the last 6 days) I have NOT been struggling in my addiction. I have had a mostly positive outlook (again not perfect) on life. I am working on staying in the present and not worrying about what's going to happen next or when will the bottom drop out (my mood plummet, my addictive thoughts come rushing back, etc....). This is not easy for me but so much better than a year ago, six months ago or even a week ago when things were not so good.

So for now I am trying to not over-analyze things (this is very difficult for me), work on self-care and what I need to do next and not a week from now. Working on what is 'right' for me in this journey of recovery and healing. Changing things as I go for what is needed at the time. Knowing that none of this is a "one size fits all" program and everyone is different in how they respond to different things. So for today I choose to be GRATEFUL/THANKFUL!!

Dealing with Trauma

I'll keep this short as I have a busy day plus I do not feel well today.

As I share my journey trauma will come up a lot. This is difficult and one of the reasons I am keeping my name out.  Also the fact that with my addiction I have had affairs on my husband and I am willing to tell anyone everything BUT the affairs.

The trauma is difficult as my childhood appeared normal or maybe even ideal to many.  People just have no idea what goes on behind closed doors.  I also love my parents and have no intention of dragging them through this or even hurting them.  I have empathy for them and even though I have to practice healthy boundaries and some detachment with them I still do not wish them any harm in any way.

There is also trauma/abuse from early in my marriage I have to deal with.  Again I do not wish to hurt my husband (I have already done enough damage there).  Thankfully he knows and has taken responsibility for his abuse early in our marriage.

Over the last 16 months (more so the last year) I have worked the 12 steps in SA, have gone through one round of DBT (Dialectical Behavior Therapy), Emotional Focused Couples Therapy (EFT)=(still in that process) AND working Trauma work through Somatic Experiencing (SE).  That is a LOT of work!! So I am working on healing my inner child, re-parenting myself and a lot of stuff that right now feels a little overwhelming.

Not sure if it is because I don't feel well (possibly dealing with a cold) or if it is because I had a painful flashback last night then more crazy dreams along with sex dreams.  Sleep is an issue for me due to all that.  I don't get good restful sleep and so far no meds have really helped.

So for today I am just taking one moment at a time to feel and heal.  To do some good self-care.  I have a couple appointments today otherwise I would curl up with my bear and sleep (and likely cry).

Feeling is Healing!!  It is very painful to go through but if I want to be better then I have to continue feeling these yucky feelings.