WHY???

Merry Christmas Eve!!

I thought I would talk a little about the last 6 days and the struggles I have been having. Thankfully not so much on the sex addiction part although the thought had come to mind but I was able to let it go pretty easily. That is progress and I am thankful for that.


I over-think, over-analyze and just make things much worse than they are....in my mind. I want to know WHY things happen and WHY I have the thoughts and feelings I do. My therapist tells me that asking WHY is like a 3 year old and it will drive me nuts just like when kids do the "why, why, why???". Yep, that can drive any parent a little nuts when we hear that over and over.



For me it was easier to be patient with my kids (I was not in any way perfect at this just easier than being patient with myself). I am having to re-parent myself and this can be very difficult at times, like when I want to know WHY and I want to know NOW!! I have been working on NOT asking WHY but just letting things BE.

I know that the holidays stress me and I feel like I have been doing very well on that front. No major depression, not acting out in my addiction or any other self-destructive behaviors. Being around extended family can create trauma triggers, reaction and I am working on recognizing and working through those. My husband has been very stressed and I am working to not take on his stress. The weather is just gloomy, cloudy and dark more than light. I don't have SAD (seasonal affective disorder) but I think that these short gloomy days can affect anyone.

I have felt a little more detached and not the happy me that I was a week ago and I don't like that. I want that feeling back. It takes a little more work but I am getting back there. I know that I can't be happy all the time and I am okay with that I just think I need to know WHY and I don't. It's all part of this journey and I just need do what I can for self-care.
  

Yesterday I needed to cry and it took me arguing with my husband over stupid things to get to the point that I broke down and cried. I was then tired and able to feel connected, to myself and others. I got my bear and took a nap. I woke and felt reset. Not that things will be perfect but to feel better and re-connected to myself & my husband especially is a much better feeling.

I again am thankful for what I have learned about myself over the last several days and things I will do differently in the future to help me be a better me and healthier me. This is a journey and it won't be over until the Good Lord takes me home. 

I am looking forward to Christmas and the New Year. 

I hope everyone has a very Merry Christmas!!

Gratitude

The Thanksgiving weekend (4 days) is about over and so is the month of November. Crazy how time flies. It seems to me that people focus on being thankful around Thanksgiving or even the month of Nov. I believe being thankful/grateful/full of gratitude should be an every day occurrence.  That's my opinion.

I have been a bit reflective on the past 6 days or so since I posted about my struggling and looking back helping me to move forward posts. What has changed? Why now in better place? How long will this last? Thoughts and questions I ask myself.

I do know that one thing is my PERSPECTIVE on life and how I handle things. Looking back really helped me to be thankful for where I am at and grateful for what I have now. I am thankful for so many things that I would not be able to list them all here.

I've worked on tools to help me through some potentially difficult times and just being prepared helped and didn't even have to use many of the tools I prepared, but I was ready for anything.  I have worked on communicating with my husband on what I need and how to better handle my struggles. I have been confused over trying to listen to others (sponsor, recovery family, therapist) about things I maybe need to do for healing and what I feel it right. This is something I took to God in prayer and just told Him how confused I was and that brought me to my therapist and DBT skills...what would she say "what does your wise mind tell you?". So I sat down and worked that up using DBT skills and came up with what I felt was best for me using my wise mind (this is a Mindfulness skill) and then sat down with my husband and talked it over with him. He was in agreement over the "new" plan.

Things haven't been perfect but they never will be but I am very grateful that today (& the last 6 days) I have NOT been struggling in my addiction. I have had a mostly positive outlook (again not perfect) on life. I am working on staying in the present and not worrying about what's going to happen next or when will the bottom drop out (my mood plummet, my addictive thoughts come rushing back, etc....). This is not easy for me but so much better than a year ago, six months ago or even a week ago when things were not so good.

So for now I am trying to not over-analyze things (this is very difficult for me), work on self-care and what I need to do next and not a week from now. Working on what is 'right' for me in this journey of recovery and healing. Changing things as I go for what is needed at the time. Knowing that none of this is a "one size fits all" program and everyone is different in how they respond to different things. So for today I choose to be GRATEFUL/THANKFUL!!

Over Sharing

Before I started this part of recovery 16+ months ago I did not tell my husband what was going on. I did do one disclosure 6 years before that time but during those 6 years I still hid my thoughts & behaviors from him.

One of the things I had to do for good, healthy healing was to be honest, with my husband (and myself).  So I went from NOT sharing my struggles to OVER sharing my struggles with my husband. I want to be honest with him and not hide or lie to him anymore. This is a boundary issue, I don't have good boundaries but I am learning.

With my recent struggles it has really caused a lot of distress in my husband and part of that is due to my over sharing my struggles.  Giving him more information than he needs or even wants.  I thought that was what he needed but I am learning....slowly at times.....that this is NOT healthy for either of us. I have a great sponsor, therapist and recovery family to share my struggles with.

So I have asked him what he really wants and he does want to know when I am struggling and then if he wants more than that he will ask but I still need to keep it simple with no details or anything.

Working to be honest but not over share is going to take some time and effort on my part as I am really working on being honest and building intimacy with my husband.