WHY???

Merry Christmas Eve!!

I thought I would talk a little about the last 6 days and the struggles I have been having. Thankfully not so much on the sex addiction part although the thought had come to mind but I was able to let it go pretty easily. That is progress and I am thankful for that.


I over-think, over-analyze and just make things much worse than they are....in my mind. I want to know WHY things happen and WHY I have the thoughts and feelings I do. My therapist tells me that asking WHY is like a 3 year old and it will drive me nuts just like when kids do the "why, why, why???". Yep, that can drive any parent a little nuts when we hear that over and over.



For me it was easier to be patient with my kids (I was not in any way perfect at this just easier than being patient with myself). I am having to re-parent myself and this can be very difficult at times, like when I want to know WHY and I want to know NOW!! I have been working on NOT asking WHY but just letting things BE.

I know that the holidays stress me and I feel like I have been doing very well on that front. No major depression, not acting out in my addiction or any other self-destructive behaviors. Being around extended family can create trauma triggers, reaction and I am working on recognizing and working through those. My husband has been very stressed and I am working to not take on his stress. The weather is just gloomy, cloudy and dark more than light. I don't have SAD (seasonal affective disorder) but I think that these short gloomy days can affect anyone.

I have felt a little more detached and not the happy me that I was a week ago and I don't like that. I want that feeling back. It takes a little more work but I am getting back there. I know that I can't be happy all the time and I am okay with that I just think I need to know WHY and I don't. It's all part of this journey and I just need do what I can for self-care.
  

Yesterday I needed to cry and it took me arguing with my husband over stupid things to get to the point that I broke down and cried. I was then tired and able to feel connected, to myself and others. I got my bear and took a nap. I woke and felt reset. Not that things will be perfect but to feel better and re-connected to myself & my husband especially is a much better feeling.

I again am thankful for what I have learned about myself over the last several days and things I will do differently in the future to help me be a better me and healthier me. This is a journey and it won't be over until the Good Lord takes me home. 

I am looking forward to Christmas and the New Year. 

I hope everyone has a very Merry Christmas!!