Sometimes I Forget

Last night I was reminded of the pain that my husband still feels from my infidelity. He has been stressed and feeling "out-of-sorts" (his words not mine) and after telling me about work stress he went on to tell me his fears of hearing again that I had been unfaithful. OUCH!!

Sometimes I forget that he is still hurting or that the pain is (and always will be) there. It has been years, many years since I have acted outside my marriage and it is something I would take back, undo, never do.....the grass is NOT greener. 

As the years have gone on and as I have been working on recovery and healing it will, at times feel like a really bad dream. My husband is a wonderful man that loves me unconditionally and because of his love and care for me I tend to forget his pain.

In my mind, infidelity is the ultimate betrayal in a marriage. My husband feels like God prepared him for hearing the first disclosure but it is a trauma to him and something he will never forget.

With his recent stress and feeling down the thoughts of me having time on my hands and potentially going out on him again created more fear. He knows he can't control it, didn't cause it and can't cure it. I have been doing very well lately and not going to as many meetings and he sees the good but then got very concerned about that.

All I could do was listen, validate his feelings and let him know that even though my words don't mean much I did want to reassure him that I am doing very well. I have no desire to go out on him again (as I said the grass is NOT greener). I love him and I was glad he opened up to me about this. He did say that it helped to hear that and what I say does matter to him.

Although this is difficult to hear I am glad that he was able to open up to me about his feelings. I have to keep rebuilding the trust, that's my job. Hopefully as time goes on the pain won't be as bad (he has said it usually is not as bad but some days hits hard). I hate that I have hurt him so much and wish I could take it away but I can't.