The M Word

Yes, I am talking about Masturbation!! 

I just didn't want to put that in the title. 

As a recovering sex addict and a woman I really felt like I needed/wanted to talk about this from my perspective and how it has impacted my life.

I started masturbating at a very young age and have most of my life. It has been why I have had to reset my sobriety date over the last 18 months working this intense recovery and being in SA. By definition in SA it is no sex with self (masturbation) or anyone other than the spouse (defined as husband and wife/man & woman). I do have over 5 months of not doing this and that is the longest I have gone during the last 18 months.

Recently I have had some arguments with my husband and have had some down/distressing times that I would WANT to masturbate just to feel better (self medicate to not deal or feel, not a good reason). I didn't and it has gotten a lot easier to just not do it but sometimes I still want to.


I can honestly say that this is one thing that I have not felt shame about. I remember when I was a kid and I did feel different because I thought only boys did it but soon learned that girls did to and I was okay with it. Even in my marriage I didn't feel quilt or shame for doing it. Maybe for hiding it but even then it was brief quilt and then I moved on. I didn't see how it had any impact on my marriage as it didn't change how often or how much sex we had. So in my mind it was not a bad thing.

Many Christians have issue with this and I would rather not get into all that....I don't think that it is always wrong....that it is black and white. I am only speaking about me, my experience & addiction.

As an addict it is not something I can do and I have seen a big difference in my sex life with my husband from me NOT doing it (the abstaining from porn has been a HUGE help also). So when I was distressed yesterday and thought about it (and got a little angry because I couldn't--issue I work on) I knew I wasn't going to do it but I went through a process. I guess it was a "think past the drink" and realized why I could NOT justify doing it, not now and maybe never. 
Here was my thought process:

1) I could masturbate, it wouldn't hurt anyone, no one would know
2) Will then need to go into fantasy to get the desired results
3) Eventually I will want to view porn as the 2 can & do go together a lot 
4) I will eventually need more and will then need to get online to find guys to chat with 
5) That won't be enough so I will then end up in a hotel/car with a stranger

That is an abbreviated spiral of addiction & what went through my mind to go from thinking masturbating would be okay to having an affair. Not a far leap for an addict and at times can happen very quickly. Plus I don't want to be with anyone else again....I have said in earlier post the grass is NOT greener for me.

So for now, for me masturbation is NOT an option!!

If this is true then it makes sense why people
 would want to masturbate or have sex all the time!!