Update and some thoughts on recent events

It has been a while since I last blogged and with recent news events I thought maybe this would be a good time to get on here and post.

A quick update on me....as far as the sex addiction...I am doing very well with over 1 year sobriety from masturbation and almost 22 months from porn. I have not been attending meetings and that seems to be working for me. I am in therapy weekly and working on trauma. I have had a lot of stress but I am working on that. I do find I need to seek healthy ways to deal with high anxiety because my go to is to masturbate and I don't want to do that so I have to distract myself until the thought passes....usually doesn't take long for it to pass....thankfully!

Okay now to what has been on my mind....the Ashley Madison leak and the Josh Duggar admission to porn addiction, being on that site and having affairs.

The reason these 2 things have stuck with me is I have been on that site and I am a born again believer in Jesus Christ. Being a Christian (like Josh Duggar) and dealing with sexual sins can bring about a ton of shame and my heart breaks for him and his wife. I just hope and pray they are getting professional help.

As far as the Ashley Madison leak...I have had concerns about any of my info getting out but as my husband said "if it does it does that is the consequences of doing things like that". Very true!! 

My hope in all this is that people will stay off that site and others like it...nothing good comes from having an affair!!

I could say a lot more but I tend to get wordy and I don't think that helps.....

PS...I did NOT want to put any pics of the AM site on here. 

Should I Tell or Not????

I was recently talking with a fellow sex addict about disclosure and thought that would be a good thing to talk about on here. I will be talking from my own experience and sources like therapy, books, intensive workshop & fellow sex addicts.

I have done 2 disclosures 6 years apart. The first was on my own, without the help of a therapist. I was afraid I was going to get caught and I was spinning out of control and just wanted out. I didn't want to tell my husband I just wanted help to stop and hopefully not have to tell him but he asked and it all came out.....everything and it sucked! I will NEVER forget that day and the look of pain in my husbands eyes. I answered every question he asked and had to keep answering for days, weeks and months later. I would say I gave too much information, at least that is how I feel from what I know now.

The 2nd disclosure was after I had gone to the Healing for Women workshop in Bethesda and I knew that it was going to have to happen but I didn't want to. I wanted to take it to my grave and I feared the end of my marriage (I did the first time but was told he wasn't going to leave and that if I did it again he would so this fear was even greater). I had a better therapist that told me that I didn't have to but if I really wanted an honest, intimate marriage I was going to have to tell him. I was hoping to get some sobriety and recovery under my belt before that happened but in a therapy session with my husband present he just looked at me and asked if there had been anyone in the prior 6 years (since 1st disclosure). I was working on being honest and knew that if I lied at that time then later told him the truth that would be worse than just being honest at that time....so I said yes. OUCH! I again had to see the pain in my husbands eyes, pain that I had caused.

Some things I learned since my first disclosure & what I tell others that ask is: 

1) if you want true intimacy in your marriage then a disclosure is a must...and it has to be a FULL disclosure not just what you want them to know or half truths

2) answer questions that they ask but if they want details about the act itself tell them that needs to be discussed in therapy

3) they need to know the nature of acting out (porn/masturbation, long term affairs, same sex, etc...)

4) how long it has been going on....months, years, entire marriage

5) how much money you have spent (if you know...as a woman I didn't think I spent any money because the men paid for hotel rooms but I learned I did spend money just in different ways)

6) consequences like pregnancy & abortion, STD's, loss of employment due to acting out at job

7) anyone they know.....the only names they need are people they know. 

8) if anytime you acted out in your home or bed

9) lies you have told to cover your acting out. Sometimes a partner feels crazy about all this and can wonder why they didn't see signs or maybe they did and didn't think that what you were doing was even possible....it is crazy making for them

Don't make excuses for your behavior. Don't try and blame the spouse for your behavior. Don't try and manipulate your spouse into forgiving you. Don't try and avoid any consequences. Don't try and control who your spouse tells, they need to have safe people to talk to for their healing.

Who NOT to tell...well that would be anyone that is not safe. You don't have to tell anyone other than your spouse (& support system). Talk with your therapist before disclosing to kids.

THEN comes the rebuilding TRUST!!! I think that will have to be in another blog as this one is long enough. I will say a couple quick things about this:

It is YOUR responsibility to be trustworthy! It is a process and takes time! And a quote (not sure who but something I got at the workshop)....

REBUILDING TRUST WILL TAKE LONGER THAN YOU WANT 

AND SHORTER THAN YOU DESERVE!!

The M Word

Yes, I am talking about Masturbation!! 

I just didn't want to put that in the title. 

As a recovering sex addict and a woman I really felt like I needed/wanted to talk about this from my perspective and how it has impacted my life.

I started masturbating at a very young age and have most of my life. It has been why I have had to reset my sobriety date over the last 18 months working this intense recovery and being in SA. By definition in SA it is no sex with self (masturbation) or anyone other than the spouse (defined as husband and wife/man & woman). I do have over 5 months of not doing this and that is the longest I have gone during the last 18 months.

Recently I have had some arguments with my husband and have had some down/distressing times that I would WANT to masturbate just to feel better (self medicate to not deal or feel, not a good reason). I didn't and it has gotten a lot easier to just not do it but sometimes I still want to.


I can honestly say that this is one thing that I have not felt shame about. I remember when I was a kid and I did feel different because I thought only boys did it but soon learned that girls did to and I was okay with it. Even in my marriage I didn't feel quilt or shame for doing it. Maybe for hiding it but even then it was brief quilt and then I moved on. I didn't see how it had any impact on my marriage as it didn't change how often or how much sex we had. So in my mind it was not a bad thing.

Many Christians have issue with this and I would rather not get into all that....I don't think that it is always wrong....that it is black and white. I am only speaking about me, my experience & addiction.

As an addict it is not something I can do and I have seen a big difference in my sex life with my husband from me NOT doing it (the abstaining from porn has been a HUGE help also). So when I was distressed yesterday and thought about it (and got a little angry because I couldn't--issue I work on) I knew I wasn't going to do it but I went through a process. I guess it was a "think past the drink" and realized why I could NOT justify doing it, not now and maybe never. 
Here was my thought process:

1) I could masturbate, it wouldn't hurt anyone, no one would know
2) Will then need to go into fantasy to get the desired results
3) Eventually I will want to view porn as the 2 can & do go together a lot 
4) I will eventually need more and will then need to get online to find guys to chat with 
5) That won't be enough so I will then end up in a hotel/car with a stranger

That is an abbreviated spiral of addiction & what went through my mind to go from thinking masturbating would be okay to having an affair. Not a far leap for an addict and at times can happen very quickly. Plus I don't want to be with anyone else again....I have said in earlier post the grass is NOT greener for me.

So for now, for me masturbation is NOT an option!!

If this is true then it makes sense why people
 would want to masturbate or have sex all the time!!

Dealing with Trauma

I'll keep this short as I have a busy day plus I do not feel well today.

As I share my journey trauma will come up a lot. This is difficult and one of the reasons I am keeping my name out.  Also the fact that with my addiction I have had affairs on my husband and I am willing to tell anyone everything BUT the affairs.

The trauma is difficult as my childhood appeared normal or maybe even ideal to many.  People just have no idea what goes on behind closed doors.  I also love my parents and have no intention of dragging them through this or even hurting them.  I have empathy for them and even though I have to practice healthy boundaries and some detachment with them I still do not wish them any harm in any way.

There is also trauma/abuse from early in my marriage I have to deal with.  Again I do not wish to hurt my husband (I have already done enough damage there).  Thankfully he knows and has taken responsibility for his abuse early in our marriage.

Over the last 16 months (more so the last year) I have worked the 12 steps in SA, have gone through one round of DBT (Dialectical Behavior Therapy), Emotional Focused Couples Therapy (EFT)=(still in that process) AND working Trauma work through Somatic Experiencing (SE).  That is a LOT of work!! So I am working on healing my inner child, re-parenting myself and a lot of stuff that right now feels a little overwhelming.

Not sure if it is because I don't feel well (possibly dealing with a cold) or if it is because I had a painful flashback last night then more crazy dreams along with sex dreams.  Sleep is an issue for me due to all that.  I don't get good restful sleep and so far no meds have really helped.

So for today I am just taking one moment at a time to feel and heal.  To do some good self-care.  I have a couple appointments today otherwise I would curl up with my bear and sleep (and likely cry).

Feeling is Healing!!  It is very painful to go through but if I want to be better then I have to continue feeling these yucky feelings.

This First 4 Months

Don't freak out by the title, I can summarize it pretty quickly....I believe.  

It was very difficult.  I finally got sober by SA's definition (no sex with self or anyone other than the spouse) but I wasn't really getting "progressive victory over lust" yet.  So, looking back I was "technically" sober and also realized I was a "dry drunk" as AA puts it.

As a female in meetings with all men it was difficult to find a sponsor so I could get working on the 12 steps.  I called SA's central office, got numbers for women from all over the country and made calls....LOTS of calls.  I got a lot of "good luck" and "no, can't help you" but one gal did try and help but she would basically tell me to look up the step and see what works for me and do it then call her.  I had no idea what to do with that since I had never worked the steps.  So getting help from women was not working.

I was however getting help from the men in my meetings.  Many were giving me numbers of therapists (I already had one but they thought it might help), giving me advise about calling the central office and encouraging me to not give up.  

Also during this time I had to do another disclosure with my husband.  It caught me off guard as I didn't want to for fear of losing him but he asked during a counseling session and if I was going to be honest and keep being honest I couldn't lie anymore (lying is something I have done all my life so this honesty thing was new).  So I was honest.  That was not easy.  This was the 2nd disclosure I had made to my husband.  The first had been 6 years earlier without the help of a therapist but with the prompting of the therapist.  To admit to my husband that I had been unfaithful, was addicted to porn, masturbation & fantasy was awful.  I will NEVER forget the pain on his face.  I never wanted to see that again.  Then last year when I had to do a second disclosure I saw it again.  I had been unfaithful in the 6 years since my first disclosure and as much as I didn't want to tell him I knew it was the only way to healing and to have a close, honest, intimate relationship with him....as long as he stayed with me.  He has thank God!!

I also had to do some house cleaning as far as getting rid of clothes and "toys".  I put an accountability program on my laptop (see previous post here) and started sending it with my husband to work everyday so I didn't even have the temptation.  Again not so fun.  I didn't think I would care but it was sad to let go of things that were a part of my life, even if only a short time (the toys I had only had a short time).

Many times I wanted to give up.  I felt like I was never going to get the help I needed.  I was never going to get better and I felt sad, lonely and depressed most of the time.  I did get help from one of the men in my meetings.  He helped me do my 1st step.  I did get 3 months of sobriety then lost it.  I was feeling pretty hopeless a lot of the time.  I wanted to go back....back to before I went to treatment.  Back to my "old" way of life.  Back to my "safety" (see last post here).

I had tried another female temporary sponsor but that didn't work out.  I did meet a gal who is now one of my very best friends and I am honored to be her sponsor.

Finally, after months of working my a$$ off to get help and find a sponsor I was encouraged to ask the men in my group as some had sponsored women before and might again.  So the end of Nov 2013 I asked one of the guys and he said he would be my temp sponsor.  Now almost a year later he is my sponsor and has been a HUGE help in helping me get to where I am.

NEVER GIVE UP!!!