Looking Back

I read a lot that says to NOT look back on the past. Without the past how can we learn to not repeat it? In the 12 promises in the AA Big Book is says "we will not regret the past nor wish to shut the door on it". I have gotten to that point in my recovery.

So with my recent struggles I decided to take a look back at my journals to last spring when I took a spiral down and ended up dealing with a slip that was a bit more costly than others.  I wanted to see if I am dealing with the same behaviors that preceded the spring slip and if so what I need to do to stop so I don't go back down that path. It was also good to read about my slip and the aftermath of pain, shame and despair. Reminds of where I've been and that I don't want to go back there.

Here is the list of what I was doing/feeling then that is the same for what I am dealing with now:

Feeling overwhelmed                                              
Feeling really down on myself, low self-esteem
Isolation                                                                  
Loneliness
Feeling like I don't really have anyone to talk to
Pressure of sobriety date
Intrusive (obsessive) sex dreams                        
Intrusive (obsessive) fantasies
Intrusive (obsessive) thoughts                            
Not having enough structure
Poor self-care                                                      
Not feeling well physically
Not eating good                                                  
Wanting connection
Struggles in marriage                                          
Saying things like "I'm a mess", "I'm a failure"
Self hatred                                                          
High anxiety
Depressed mood                                                      
Lots of stress
Having the push/pull....good girl/bad girl.....want to/don't want to

Just one of those can/should be a huge RED FLAG. To have a list that long from the spring to be the same now is scary.

On a positive note last spring I had cut back on my recovery....now I have actually increased my recovery work.  I was taking a little break from working the steps....now I go back over any step I need to, like step 1-powerless, 3-turning my will & life over to God, 6 & 7-looking at any defects and praying about them (I could go on but I think you get the point).  I was cutting back the meetings to no more than 1 a week....now I am try and go to more if I can (sometimes I just can't but I will plan other positive activities to replace).  So there are differences.  Plus I have been working recovery longer, working on trauma healing, have had a Spiritual Awakening and have had good recovery so right now I am just a bit upside down and just need to take the steps needed to get righted.

Also looking back really helped me see the pain that I DO NOT WANT TO REPEAT!!!  So for today I am doing the next right thing. One day at a time for the next 24 hours I commit to sobriety & recovery.