Depression has a hold on me!

I try and deny it. I try to will it away. I fight to NOT be depressed yet here I am.....depressed and I have been for months.

I don't like the word/label. I don't like admitting it. I don't like how it feels. I hate when it happens (and it happens at least 1-2 times a year). 

I work hard to stay up even when inside I want to curl up and hide (or sometimes die). I fight like mad to do the things that are to help a low mood/depression (I know they are not the same but I want to just tell myself I am having a bad day and not that I am truly depressed).

I know why I am depressed. I know what triggered this episode of depression. I am hoping & praying that as things change over the next 4-6 weeks that this depression will lift.


For me depression usually follows an event or several stressful events. I can sometimes see it coming and work to do what I can to NOT fall into depression but that usually doesn't work and I end up dealing with the darkness that has been a part of my life for as long as I can remember.

This is what depression looks like for (and in) me:
Hopelessness
Tired...sleeping a lot/yet not sleeping well
Eating is off...usually not enough & not healthy
Moody.....need I say more
Unable to make decisions on my own (well I can but I second guess myself a lot)
Isolation
Crying or sometimes unable to cry
Feeling sad most of the time
Wanting to give up
Self hatred
Low self esteem
More fights with my husband
Discontent/unhappy with my life
Lonely
Anxiety (although this time doesn't seem to be as bad as before this episode started)
I do lie about how I am doing both to myself and to others

Well that is all I can think of right now.

Thankfully, I can say that I have not gone into a major depressive episode (for me since everyone is different). This has gone between a low grade to moderate depression. I think that being spring has helped and all the skills I have learned in therapy have helped. Getting involved and staying involved even when I didn't feel like it has helped. I have retreated and isolated a LOT but I still work to get out and do some things that are fun.

I am also thankful that during this episode I have been able to maintain sobriety and not revert back to old destructive behaviors just to get through. I have watched a LOT of TV but I will give myself a break on that one since most of what I watch is comedy or programs I enjoy. 

Whenever I would be really low and knew I had an appointment with my psychiatrist I would work on exercising, eating and doing anything I could to bring my mood up just so he wouldn't suggest antidepressants. I am not against them and I know they help a lot of people and have helped me in the past BUT I have BAD side effects from them and there is only one that really works for me but it still has side effects that for now I am not willing to add to my already grumpy mood. 

So for today...I'll be OKAY! 
I am taking one day at a time, one moment at a time and I will keep fighting. 
This too shall pass (I just want it to pass quickly).

Feeling Sad

I AM SAD!!! I thought about just writing out my feelings in my journal but then thought I would share them on here. Of course right now I am feeling a bit sorry for myself and think 'who is going to read this anyway? no one really cares'. I know that is NOT true (well I don't know who reads this but I do know that people DO care).



My sadness is coming from my feelings of abandonment, fear and loneliness. I was to meet with a friend today....someone I was letting in slowly and felt like I could trust but when I arrived that person was NOT there. THEY FORGOT!!  I've not had many friends in my life and very few I actually trust so this was tough.

Now there are times this would happen and I would be like 'okay I have other things to do' then go about my life. Then other times, like today I was hit with FEAR and that feeling that I am NOT important enough to remember. 

This ALL comes from my childhood (well even into adult life) of feeling abandoned and that no one cares. The 'I'm not worth someone else's time' feeling.

Once I got a hold of this person they did apologize (a couple times) and I forgive them. Everyone makes mistakes. The thing is the PAIN and HURT are very real. I feel trust has been broken a bit.

This is when I tend to retreat into myself. Isolate from others and work to NOT get hurt again. I am NOT going to let myself do that this time. I will give it a little time before I REALLY talk to this person as I want to make sure I can be kind and loving and also let them know that it hurt me and that even though I know it was an honest mistake it takes a lot for me to trust people and this put a dent in my trust. 

On my way home I cried, talked to my husband who was very kind and understanding. I thought how easy it has been for me to just live within my head in fantasy most of my life. The people in my fantasies don't hurt me. I don't want to go there either as fantasy does not help me.

Sometimes life just sucks!! Dealing with trauma and past hurts that jump on my back so fast....well it just SUCKS!!! I am letting myself feel instead of caving inward on myself and self-destructing (old patterns). 

I'll be OKAY!! Now for some good healthy self-care and on with living life. This recovery/healing journey is NOT easy!!! It's exhausting.......

Are You Connected?

A couple days ago I read an article on addiction and that there might be more to it than a hijack of the brain. It talks about human connection and isolation and how those may be the keys to addiction (why someone becomes addicted and others do not & how people overcome addictions many times without rehab). I will put a link to the article later, I did find it very interesting and a lot of it made sense to me so I wanted to talk about it and share my thoughts. I am not a doctor or a specialist I am just someone that has dealt with addictions. 

This article did get me thinking and words from SA's White Book kept coming to mind. In The Problem in SAWB it starts out by saying "Many of us felt inadequate, unworthy, ALONE and afraid.". Then a bit later, "Early on, we came to feel DISCONNECTED-". "Please CONNECT with me and make me whole!"

SA White Book but with
 the title on the cover

Just reading The Problem in the White Book is enough to know that for a sex addict our biggest problem is our feeling alone, isolated, like no one understands, wants us, we are unworthy of love.... We reach for connection the only way we know how. Many sex addicts were abused as children and kids need to feel safe to connect. As a sex addict I was abused and did not feel safe as a kid and still struggle with that feeling.

First come the fantasies. That is a way to escape and feel connected to something even though it is not real. Then it just spirals from there. Once we connect with others there seems to be something missing. The connection is not real, it cannot be real because we have become lost inside ourselves.

"We took from others to fill up what was lacking in ourselves" (SAWB). Intimacy is missing. Love is elusive even though it 'feels' like we love others we cannot know real love until we first learn to love ourselves.

The Solution (yes, that is the next page in the White Book). "Encouraged to continue, we turned more and more away from our ISOLATING obsession with sex and self and turned to GOD and OTHERS." We know that others have done this and we see that they have healing and that is what we want. The fellowship of other sex addicts help us, hold us accountable, a safe place to face ourselves for the first time. In the community of other addicts we begin to heal, grow and know that there is life without the chains of the addiction.

I know that I have cut back on meetings and that is good for me. I am going out and connecting with other people in healthy ways. My sponsor says that it's all about relationships. We go to meetings to learn how to have healthy relationships so we can go out in the world and live a life worth living....or better yet create a life worth living!

Link to article...HERE!! It is pretty interesting.