Porn Addiction...Part 1

I was going to write about something else but then this came to mind. I have said before that my biggest issues have been with fantasy, masturbation and porn. I have not looked at porn in over 15 months (almost 16) and that is a victory for me. It is not easy. I still get cravings or urges to look. As I was preparing for this blog I was looking for pictures on porn addiction AND well other pics popped up and I would scroll quickly by or get off the page as to not look at them but honestly my adrenaline is pumping and the desire is strong to seek out those images. 

MY STORY:

I was first introduced to porn (magazine) at age 5 and things just seemed to continue from there. My dad had 'girly' magazines arrive by mail and they were not out of sight. So my first exposure were to those magazine which for me did a number on my self-image. Back then these gals were not photo shopped (I don't believe) as it was in the 70's. I wanted to look like them and be like them and one day pose in one of those magazines. That was what my dad liked and I didn't think he liked me so I needed to be like them (the women in those magazines) to have men like me and want me.

By age 11 or so I was exposed to porn movies and then to magazines of nude men. I would masturbate to these things and they helped fuel my fantasies. Before I had the internet it was magazines, VHS tapes and my mind from things I had seen.

Once I was married, my husband and I would view porn together from time to time and he would look at magazines on his own. This was all normal for me as that is how I grew up but I did feel betrayed that my husband would want to look at those women. I felt like I was not good enough. Again, I had that with my father and now with my husband (important men in my life). At some point my husband knew that looking at these things did not help him or our marriage and he was able to let go of them and quit looking at them. Thank God he does not (never did) deal with a true porn addiction.

Once we got a computer and the internet (which at first was dial up....very slow) it was not long that I looked for porn. I would feel guilty, confess and pray that I wouldn't do it again. BUT I did, over and over and once we got DSL (no more dial up) it just got worse. 

I would not have thought of myself as a porn addict. I had control....or so I thought. I could stop anytime I wanted....I just didn't want to. I was having a hard time seeing the problem other than the moral issue that went with it.

When I was first told I was a sex addict (about 8 years ago) it started to sink in just how bad this porn addiction really was. How it had progressively gotten worse and what I was viewing had to keep changing to keep getting the desired result..........which was arousal and masturbation. INSANITY!!  

At my first disclosure to my husband over 7 1/2 years ago he was not only numb from hearing of my infidelity but shocked that I was addicted to porn. He had no idea the amount or kind of porn I was looking at (I didn't tell him what just how much at my best guess). At that point porn was to be off limits for me (as was other men & masturbation). I did well for a few months but then I was back at the porn and masturbation and I think I justified it in my head saying that it didn't hurt my marriage and that it kept me from going outside my marriage...HUGE LIES!!! Also, I did these without my husbands knowledge.  I do believe I cut way back on the amount/time spend engaging in these activities over the 6 years from first disclosure to going to Bethesda workshop for women.

In part 2 I will talk about recovery, stopping and the impact on my marriage.....
You can read part 2 HERE

Insanity!

Sometimes I feel like I am just riding a roller coaster and I want to get off.

It feels like a never ending ride with so many ups and downs, twists and turns that I feel dizzy and sick to my stomach.  Sometimes it's good and fun, other times it feels like hell on earth.

I Love this quote!!

Pretty much sums it up.  I tend to keep doing the same things over and over hoping for a different result.  I am working to do things differently so that I will get different results.  In many areas of my life I think I am doing that but in some it feels like nothing changes.  When things I want to change do not I feel hopeless.  When things I want to stay the same change I feel out-of-control.  

In SA's 2nd step it says Came to believe that a Power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity.  For me that Power is God and I am willing to believe that God can restore me to sanity.  Now what is that?

Sane (& Sanity)--from merriam-websters.com

: having a healthy mind : able to think normally

: based on reason or good judgment : rational or sensible

I want a healthy mind and to have good judgment.  I can see where in my addiction I do not have those things.  Good judgment goes out the window very quickly.

I realize I have been having a rough time over the last couple months.  I want healing and recovery.  I am exhausted and want to give up.  I want freedom from the thoughts yet I am afraid that giving them ALL up, letting go I won't know who I am and I will have to feel things I am afraid to feel.  THAT feels like insanity to me.

In May 2013 (before I started intense recovery and went to workshop) I wrote out a poem (sort of) in my journal that reflects these feelings.

"I am a small child in an adult body

I am trapped in a life I don't live but just survive

I fight to be the best I can only to fail-over and over

I am sad, lonely, bored, confused, I don't know who I am!

I don't fit in anywhere-don't know where I belong

I am trapped by my thoughts, controlled by the "demons" inside me

I am NOT possessed by demons because Christs lives in me

I want to be better, I want to be well, I want to be FREE....

but I am scared to death.  

For what I need to be freed from is ALL I know 

and as much as I hate it, it is safety, comfortable, it gives me--me!

Without it I am.....

NOTHING!!

I don't exist..........."

That is my "roller coaster" life before recovery started and at times (many times, like now) it still feels that way.  Today is a struggle and I am taking one moment at a time to get through.  I just can't stop, got to keep moving forward even if it is very slow right now.