Thanks For Sharing

Update:  It's been a while since I last blogged......
I was depressed and hoping changes would help. They didn't or maybe they did a little but other stresses created more issues. Instead of feeling better I just slipped further into depression. My anxiety has been high. I don't like this. I used to masturbate to help my anxiety and now I can't (not best word but going to use it for now). I am coming up on 1 yr of sobriety (in just over 6 weeks), I really don't want to mess that up AND it would only be a temporary help that could create long term problems.

I watched the movie Thanks For Sharing recently. It is a movie about sex addiction. I didn't watch it when it first came out as I didn't know if it would be good as I was struggling. I felt like even though I have been dealing with low moods and self-destructive thoughts I have been doing well in not having urges in my sex addiction so I felt like I could handle it.

It was an interesting movie. I did have to turn my head away a couple times. I didn't agree with everything but it did remind me how cunning and baffling this addiction is and I just need to keep aware. 

I know me pretty well and I know that there are things I do that tend to be the start down that road. Little things like the music I listen to, the movies & TV I watch. Not turning away when things come on TV that trigger more thoughts. Being aware that anxiety is a huge trigger for me. Knowing it is summer and it would be easy to dress inappropriately to gain attention, that desire to be lusted after. When I start loosening the boundaries around what I can or cannot do/see thinking that I am okay and that 1 thing won't be a problem THAT'S when I start slipping down that path to....well a SLIP or RELAPSE. I don't want to go there.

I did talk to a friend in the program after the movie because it kind of messed with my head a little. In the movie a guy had 5 years of sobriety and lost it when his emotions were too overwhelming. That is a fear for me. I have seen it in my meetings. Years of sobriety lost in a moment. If that is what will happen then what's the point???? 

The point is I want to be healthy, I want to be free, I want better for myself. I hope I don't mess up (again) at some point but if I do I hope that I am healthy enough to pick myself up and move on. Honestly I REALLY hope I don't mess up....that is my hope and prayer. Just keep reminding myself that this is one day at a time and to take one day at a time or I get overwhelmed.

So maybe I do need to sit down and take a little personal inventory of my current behaviors to see if there is anything I need to change. I have really been doing well SA wise, not having urges to act out. I do have some thoughts from time to time but I let them go in and then out and not dwell on them. I don't feel like I have it figured out I just know what works for me at this time.

That is what is going on with me. I am hoping that the summer settles down a bit and life gives me a little break so I can breathe before the fall/winter months come around and the holidays....UGH!! I just want to enjoy the summer right now.

ONE DAY AT A TIME!!!

Depression has a hold on me!

I try and deny it. I try to will it away. I fight to NOT be depressed yet here I am.....depressed and I have been for months.

I don't like the word/label. I don't like admitting it. I don't like how it feels. I hate when it happens (and it happens at least 1-2 times a year). 

I work hard to stay up even when inside I want to curl up and hide (or sometimes die). I fight like mad to do the things that are to help a low mood/depression (I know they are not the same but I want to just tell myself I am having a bad day and not that I am truly depressed).

I know why I am depressed. I know what triggered this episode of depression. I am hoping & praying that as things change over the next 4-6 weeks that this depression will lift.


For me depression usually follows an event or several stressful events. I can sometimes see it coming and work to do what I can to NOT fall into depression but that usually doesn't work and I end up dealing with the darkness that has been a part of my life for as long as I can remember.

This is what depression looks like for (and in) me:
Hopelessness
Tired...sleeping a lot/yet not sleeping well
Eating is off...usually not enough & not healthy
Moody.....need I say more
Unable to make decisions on my own (well I can but I second guess myself a lot)
Isolation
Crying or sometimes unable to cry
Feeling sad most of the time
Wanting to give up
Self hatred
Low self esteem
More fights with my husband
Discontent/unhappy with my life
Lonely
Anxiety (although this time doesn't seem to be as bad as before this episode started)
I do lie about how I am doing both to myself and to others

Well that is all I can think of right now.

Thankfully, I can say that I have not gone into a major depressive episode (for me since everyone is different). This has gone between a low grade to moderate depression. I think that being spring has helped and all the skills I have learned in therapy have helped. Getting involved and staying involved even when I didn't feel like it has helped. I have retreated and isolated a LOT but I still work to get out and do some things that are fun.

I am also thankful that during this episode I have been able to maintain sobriety and not revert back to old destructive behaviors just to get through. I have watched a LOT of TV but I will give myself a break on that one since most of what I watch is comedy or programs I enjoy. 

Whenever I would be really low and knew I had an appointment with my psychiatrist I would work on exercising, eating and doing anything I could to bring my mood up just so he wouldn't suggest antidepressants. I am not against them and I know they help a lot of people and have helped me in the past BUT I have BAD side effects from them and there is only one that really works for me but it still has side effects that for now I am not willing to add to my already grumpy mood. 

So for today...I'll be OKAY! 
I am taking one day at a time, one moment at a time and I will keep fighting. 
This too shall pass (I just want it to pass quickly).

Feeling Sad

I AM SAD!!! I thought about just writing out my feelings in my journal but then thought I would share them on here. Of course right now I am feeling a bit sorry for myself and think 'who is going to read this anyway? no one really cares'. I know that is NOT true (well I don't know who reads this but I do know that people DO care).



My sadness is coming from my feelings of abandonment, fear and loneliness. I was to meet with a friend today....someone I was letting in slowly and felt like I could trust but when I arrived that person was NOT there. THEY FORGOT!!  I've not had many friends in my life and very few I actually trust so this was tough.

Now there are times this would happen and I would be like 'okay I have other things to do' then go about my life. Then other times, like today I was hit with FEAR and that feeling that I am NOT important enough to remember. 

This ALL comes from my childhood (well even into adult life) of feeling abandoned and that no one cares. The 'I'm not worth someone else's time' feeling.

Once I got a hold of this person they did apologize (a couple times) and I forgive them. Everyone makes mistakes. The thing is the PAIN and HURT are very real. I feel trust has been broken a bit.

This is when I tend to retreat into myself. Isolate from others and work to NOT get hurt again. I am NOT going to let myself do that this time. I will give it a little time before I REALLY talk to this person as I want to make sure I can be kind and loving and also let them know that it hurt me and that even though I know it was an honest mistake it takes a lot for me to trust people and this put a dent in my trust. 

On my way home I cried, talked to my husband who was very kind and understanding. I thought how easy it has been for me to just live within my head in fantasy most of my life. The people in my fantasies don't hurt me. I don't want to go there either as fantasy does not help me.

Sometimes life just sucks!! Dealing with trauma and past hurts that jump on my back so fast....well it just SUCKS!!! I am letting myself feel instead of caving inward on myself and self-destructing (old patterns). 

I'll be OKAY!! Now for some good healthy self-care and on with living life. This recovery/healing journey is NOT easy!!! It's exhausting.......

Dealing with Triggers

Before I started this intensive part of my healing journey I didn't really know what my triggers were. I think I knew some of them but didn't label them as triggers. When I was at the workshop at Bethesda I had to write out some of my triggers. I had a few I could think of but have since learned that so many things trigger me and I am learning how to deal with those triggers.

What is a trigger? From my understanding is this is anything that STARTS the desire to medicate with the "drug" of choice. Many use the acronym H.A.L.T. (don't let yourself get too Hungry, Angry, Lonely or Tired) as being common among triggers. There are so many more that I could not list them all and people may have different things that trigger them.

For me stress & anxiety are high on the list. Being bored, lonely, tired, sick.....like I said LONG list. Then there are the visual reminders. As a sex addict I cannot "test" myself by watching or reading certain things. I can be triggered by being somewhere I have acted out or driving by somewhere I have acted out.


This is what happened to me the other day. I was driving home and was feeling hungry, tired & anxious when I drove past a hotel I met a guy at. Unfortunately this is a hotel I pass often and my husband knows about me being at this hotel so it can be a stress for both of us. Anyway, as I drove past I looked at the hotel and the memories came flooding in fast. I felt shame start to rise as I remembered what I had done. I quickly prayed and I can say I was praying out load in my car and I was praying hard because I didn't want these thoughts in my head.

I was able to let go of the shame then the thoughts turned a little to what was 'good' (if I could really say anything good came out of that encounter because there was NOTHING good about that). My mind (addict, satan....I tend to put the 2 together at times) wanted me to want something that was NOT good by trying to tell me there was something good about it. Again I prayed and then started listing all the GOOD things that being sober and NOT acting out has done for me.

I finally was able to get home and the thought/trigger was gone....or so I thought. Once I went to bed that night the thoughts assaulted me again. I was frustrated but prayed and was able to mindfully listen to music and fall asleep. The next morning I knew I had to get this stuff out of my head and fast. SO I told my husband. Since I didn't feel like I was going to or even wanted to act on the thoughts I felt safe to tell him. I also know that if I don't get them out of my head, the longer they are there the more power they have and then the possibility of me acting on them becomes more likely and I don't want that.

My husband was grateful I told him and we had a really good, very healing and intimate talk which brought us closer together. I was concerned of re-traumatizing him but he gave me grace and love. I am truly grateful for that.

I have been working on my recovery/healing and growing a lot there. I have been growing in my faith and relationship with God. I have been growing in my relationship with my husband and building a healthier, more intimate relationship with him. Satan doesn't like all this and I know that he will attack, especially in that area for me, I've had it happen before. 

Okay that was a recent trigger but I do get triggered a lot and pretty much all the time. So here are some things I do to help:


I stay connected with my husband & other people
I stay in God's Word & prayer
I work on self-care
I recognize the triggers and let them go
I AVOID triggers I know that I can avoid

I am sure I do other things but can't think of them right now. I know that after the trigger comes the ritual and that is another blog. If I am triggered I avoid going into any ritual because that is just the next step to acting out.

Triggers can't be completely avoided but they can be dealt with to create a healthy healing journey! 

Inside My Head

At a recent SA meeting we read about how as sex addicts we and get "drunk" just with our thoughts. I am not an alcoholic so I can not speak for how things work with them but from what I understand is that if there is NO alcohol in the house then it takes effort for an alcoholic to go and get the drug they want/need. I am sure that they have thoughts about drinking but again I cannot speak on how their addiction effects them, only how mine effects me.

As a sex addict I live in my head a lot. I can get "drunk" (so to speak) with just my thoughts. Take away the internet (porn access) put me alone in my house with NO means to access my drug.....BUT my drug is still with me....IN MY HEAD!! ALL THE TIME!! Fantasies can be brought up in an instant and those can lead to acting out with myself. I can still recall porn from when I was a kid. I have gone over 15 months without looking at porn but all it takes is a spit second and I can pull up images that can get me aroused. It is THAT EASY!!

In our sex saturated society it is difficult to get away from pictures, TV, movies, books, etc... that makes this addiction difficult for many (myself included). I have not seen a lot of movies that others talk about due to the fact that I know they would not benefit my mind. I do watch TV that at times I know I need to turn off and at times I do and other times....not so much.

I have been doing very well in this area for months now and I have had several things come up that in the past would have tripped me up very quickly. Someone mentioned a guys name and then the other person said "No, he's a porn star". My mind went quickly from 'what was that name so I could look him up'...to 'NO, let it go'. In then out and don't dwell on it. There are some movies coming out (one in particular) that I have heard women talk about and I guess the trailer for the movie is out (I have seen a trailer for another one that intrigues me). I know this is NOT a movie I can see but my mind quickly goes through the 'well maybe just the trailer'. NOPE!! can't do that. I can't always control the thoughts that come in but I can control what I do with them.

Sometimes I get angry that I can't do what others can or see things that others can but is all that really good for anyone? I don't think so but that is for them to deal with....not me. I can only control me.

My husband and I recently watched some TV that was real life drama on real crimes but dramatized. At first I didn't think much about it because I like to watch those 'who done it' kind of things but I could feel my body tense up and my mind start to spin when certain words were said and different scenes played out. I could tell that it was getting to me a bit and I needed to get it OUT OF MY HEAD. That is the only way to be free of those thoughts. Thankfully I could tell my husband and he was very thankful I told him and very understanding. ACCOUNTABILITY!! I have to have it all the time. 

I want freedom from this addiction. I feel like I have come a long way in getting to this point. To be able to let go of thoughts and not let them control me. To get them out of my head as soon as possible so they don't take up more residence and then start the ball rolling down the hill into a slip or full relapse. It is NOT easy. It is NOT fun. At times it takes everything I've got to surrender the thoughts. Recovery can be very exhausting at times. It can be frustrating when others don't understand why I are not going to see a movie that would be so much fun to see. Or books that 'everyone' is reading but I am not.

I do have God on my side and for me that is huge. I can go to Him in prayer, I have many Bible verses to go to help me in this area. I want a clear mind. I know those images will always be there but I have heard they will fade more and more with time. I am praying for that. There is a huge trade off to having a clear mind and that is being more productive, more effective in my witness (godliness), AND a better marriage. Abstaining from porn (both online and pushing it out of my head) has really helped in my sex life & intimate relationship with my husband. That payoff is worth staying sober from porn!! and everything else involved in my sex addictive behaviors.

Freedom is possible. Surrender is a must. Stop running, stop trying and be open to others and to the grace of God. It is worth the time and effort!!

What's Your Secret?

No, I'm not asking for anyone to tell me their secret. I was recently told I needed to share my secret with others. The secret to my success so far in sex addiction recovery (I am still a work in progress, always will be). 

Truth is there is NO secret!! No magic solution. No perfect program or special pill. Recovery is NOT one size fits all and everyone has to work their own program BUT I will share what I have done to help me get to where I am and hopefully that will help others in their journey.

I have blogged about MY program earlier here and it changes all the time. It's a process that changes & grows as I change & grow. 

I do think that getting to the root of the addiction (pain/trauma) is where the healing/recovery truly begins. The addiction is the symptom of the problem and getting to that root is vital.

I don't have all the answers and I sure don't have it all figured out. I take one day at a time and keep growing. Some days are easier than others and I know that I can slip up. I know that I will likely need accountability the rest of my life. 

SA MEETINGS:
I have cut back on meetings and I have a good reason for that. I am not quitting them & will increase if needed but for now I am doing what I need. Meetings are where I found a community to help support and hold me accountable. Where I got a sponsor to help me through struggles and the 12 steps. Where I was able to be my true self. It is where I have gained sobriety. It has also been a great place to build intimate non-sexual relationships with men.

FAITH IN GOD:
I have had a relationship with Jesus since I was a child. This is a spiritual journey so having that foundation, for me has been huge. It is also what keeps me going. I believe that things happen in God's timing and MY journey has been on God's timing, not mine. I have tried to do things on my own but I didn't succeed....God's timing is perfect!

THERAPY:
I have been in therapy off & on for over 20 years dealing with multiple things. I have worked on me, parent issues, marriage issues....THEN I went to Bethesda Workshop for female sex addicts and that was the springboard to the more intensive healing and growth. Since then I have done DBT (dialectical behavioral therapy) and working on trauma healing. There is still a lot of work to be done there.  

AND I cannot forget the support from my loving husband who has stood by me and loves me unconditionally. When I told him that I wanted to blog on this he gave me a lot of suggestions and said we should write a book together....it could happen. :)

Learning my triggers and what to do when they happen. Learning to create a life worth living. Learning to accept myself and even love myself. Learning good self-care (not always good at this but still working on it). Learning that I am worth this journey.

Well that's my share for today on why I can say, 

"I am doing very well today, thank you!".