Depression has a hold on me!

I try and deny it. I try to will it away. I fight to NOT be depressed yet here I am.....depressed and I have been for months.

I don't like the word/label. I don't like admitting it. I don't like how it feels. I hate when it happens (and it happens at least 1-2 times a year). 

I work hard to stay up even when inside I want to curl up and hide (or sometimes die). I fight like mad to do the things that are to help a low mood/depression (I know they are not the same but I want to just tell myself I am having a bad day and not that I am truly depressed).

I know why I am depressed. I know what triggered this episode of depression. I am hoping & praying that as things change over the next 4-6 weeks that this depression will lift.


For me depression usually follows an event or several stressful events. I can sometimes see it coming and work to do what I can to NOT fall into depression but that usually doesn't work and I end up dealing with the darkness that has been a part of my life for as long as I can remember.

This is what depression looks like for (and in) me:
Hopelessness
Tired...sleeping a lot/yet not sleeping well
Eating is off...usually not enough & not healthy
Moody.....need I say more
Unable to make decisions on my own (well I can but I second guess myself a lot)
Isolation
Crying or sometimes unable to cry
Feeling sad most of the time
Wanting to give up
Self hatred
Low self esteem
More fights with my husband
Discontent/unhappy with my life
Lonely
Anxiety (although this time doesn't seem to be as bad as before this episode started)
I do lie about how I am doing both to myself and to others

Well that is all I can think of right now.

Thankfully, I can say that I have not gone into a major depressive episode (for me since everyone is different). This has gone between a low grade to moderate depression. I think that being spring has helped and all the skills I have learned in therapy have helped. Getting involved and staying involved even when I didn't feel like it has helped. I have retreated and isolated a LOT but I still work to get out and do some things that are fun.

I am also thankful that during this episode I have been able to maintain sobriety and not revert back to old destructive behaviors just to get through. I have watched a LOT of TV but I will give myself a break on that one since most of what I watch is comedy or programs I enjoy. 

Whenever I would be really low and knew I had an appointment with my psychiatrist I would work on exercising, eating and doing anything I could to bring my mood up just so he wouldn't suggest antidepressants. I am not against them and I know they help a lot of people and have helped me in the past BUT I have BAD side effects from them and there is only one that really works for me but it still has side effects that for now I am not willing to add to my already grumpy mood. 

So for today...I'll be OKAY! 
I am taking one day at a time, one moment at a time and I will keep fighting. 
This too shall pass (I just want it to pass quickly).

WHY???

Merry Christmas Eve!!

I thought I would talk a little about the last 6 days and the struggles I have been having. Thankfully not so much on the sex addiction part although the thought had come to mind but I was able to let it go pretty easily. That is progress and I am thankful for that.


I over-think, over-analyze and just make things much worse than they are....in my mind. I want to know WHY things happen and WHY I have the thoughts and feelings I do. My therapist tells me that asking WHY is like a 3 year old and it will drive me nuts just like when kids do the "why, why, why???". Yep, that can drive any parent a little nuts when we hear that over and over.



For me it was easier to be patient with my kids (I was not in any way perfect at this just easier than being patient with myself). I am having to re-parent myself and this can be very difficult at times, like when I want to know WHY and I want to know NOW!! I have been working on NOT asking WHY but just letting things BE.

I know that the holidays stress me and I feel like I have been doing very well on that front. No major depression, not acting out in my addiction or any other self-destructive behaviors. Being around extended family can create trauma triggers, reaction and I am working on recognizing and working through those. My husband has been very stressed and I am working to not take on his stress. The weather is just gloomy, cloudy and dark more than light. I don't have SAD (seasonal affective disorder) but I think that these short gloomy days can affect anyone.

I have felt a little more detached and not the happy me that I was a week ago and I don't like that. I want that feeling back. It takes a little more work but I am getting back there. I know that I can't be happy all the time and I am okay with that I just think I need to know WHY and I don't. It's all part of this journey and I just need do what I can for self-care.
  

Yesterday I needed to cry and it took me arguing with my husband over stupid things to get to the point that I broke down and cried. I was then tired and able to feel connected, to myself and others. I got my bear and took a nap. I woke and felt reset. Not that things will be perfect but to feel better and re-connected to myself & my husband especially is a much better feeling.

I again am thankful for what I have learned about myself over the last several days and things I will do differently in the future to help me be a better me and healthier me. This is a journey and it won't be over until the Good Lord takes me home. 

I am looking forward to Christmas and the New Year. 

I hope everyone has a very Merry Christmas!!

Change....I Want It To Last!!

With this being the holiday season I am happy to say that this year I am doing pretty good so far. Usually I hate this time of year and just want to hide (hibernate). I feel that most of why I am handling life right now is due to all the hard work I have put in over the last year plus and the changes I have made in myself.

A recent change is my sense of feeling empowered. This is new to me and as I have said that several times to my therapist I realized yesterday while talking with a friend just what that meant to me.

Most of my life I have felt powerless. Abuse will do that, especially child abuse. Feeling powerless and having no voice and no say, that anything I said, felt or needed did not matter, led me to have a need to control things and people. Also, with feeling powerless I found myself unable to make decisions driven by fear of making the wrong ones.

With the skills learned over the last year, I have made decisions over the last several weeks that were my own and felt really good about them. Some I had to discuss with my husband as they involved him but he was on board and I didn't try and control the situation just brought my thoughts and was open to hearing his.

This empowerment has led me to not have that need to control people or things. I can let go and that is really freeing. To make decisions and feel good about them even if they are not the best, that's okay. Letting go of this need has given me power and freedom that is beyond words. I can just be me!!

I like this change in me and believe I am growing emotionally from the wounded child into the adult I want to be.