Depression has a hold on me!

I try and deny it. I try to will it away. I fight to NOT be depressed yet here I am.....depressed and I have been for months.

I don't like the word/label. I don't like admitting it. I don't like how it feels. I hate when it happens (and it happens at least 1-2 times a year). 

I work hard to stay up even when inside I want to curl up and hide (or sometimes die). I fight like mad to do the things that are to help a low mood/depression (I know they are not the same but I want to just tell myself I am having a bad day and not that I am truly depressed).

I know why I am depressed. I know what triggered this episode of depression. I am hoping & praying that as things change over the next 4-6 weeks that this depression will lift.


For me depression usually follows an event or several stressful events. I can sometimes see it coming and work to do what I can to NOT fall into depression but that usually doesn't work and I end up dealing with the darkness that has been a part of my life for as long as I can remember.

This is what depression looks like for (and in) me:
Hopelessness
Tired...sleeping a lot/yet not sleeping well
Eating is off...usually not enough & not healthy
Moody.....need I say more
Unable to make decisions on my own (well I can but I second guess myself a lot)
Isolation
Crying or sometimes unable to cry
Feeling sad most of the time
Wanting to give up
Self hatred
Low self esteem
More fights with my husband
Discontent/unhappy with my life
Lonely
Anxiety (although this time doesn't seem to be as bad as before this episode started)
I do lie about how I am doing both to myself and to others

Well that is all I can think of right now.

Thankfully, I can say that I have not gone into a major depressive episode (for me since everyone is different). This has gone between a low grade to moderate depression. I think that being spring has helped and all the skills I have learned in therapy have helped. Getting involved and staying involved even when I didn't feel like it has helped. I have retreated and isolated a LOT but I still work to get out and do some things that are fun.

I am also thankful that during this episode I have been able to maintain sobriety and not revert back to old destructive behaviors just to get through. I have watched a LOT of TV but I will give myself a break on that one since most of what I watch is comedy or programs I enjoy. 

Whenever I would be really low and knew I had an appointment with my psychiatrist I would work on exercising, eating and doing anything I could to bring my mood up just so he wouldn't suggest antidepressants. I am not against them and I know they help a lot of people and have helped me in the past BUT I have BAD side effects from them and there is only one that really works for me but it still has side effects that for now I am not willing to add to my already grumpy mood. 

So for today...I'll be OKAY! 
I am taking one day at a time, one moment at a time and I will keep fighting. 
This too shall pass (I just want it to pass quickly).

Insanity!

Sometimes I feel like I am just riding a roller coaster and I want to get off.

It feels like a never ending ride with so many ups and downs, twists and turns that I feel dizzy and sick to my stomach.  Sometimes it's good and fun, other times it feels like hell on earth.

I Love this quote!!

Pretty much sums it up.  I tend to keep doing the same things over and over hoping for a different result.  I am working to do things differently so that I will get different results.  In many areas of my life I think I am doing that but in some it feels like nothing changes.  When things I want to change do not I feel hopeless.  When things I want to stay the same change I feel out-of-control.  

In SA's 2nd step it says Came to believe that a Power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity.  For me that Power is God and I am willing to believe that God can restore me to sanity.  Now what is that?

Sane (& Sanity)--from merriam-websters.com

: having a healthy mind : able to think normally

: based on reason or good judgment : rational or sensible

I want a healthy mind and to have good judgment.  I can see where in my addiction I do not have those things.  Good judgment goes out the window very quickly.

I realize I have been having a rough time over the last couple months.  I want healing and recovery.  I am exhausted and want to give up.  I want freedom from the thoughts yet I am afraid that giving them ALL up, letting go I won't know who I am and I will have to feel things I am afraid to feel.  THAT feels like insanity to me.

In May 2013 (before I started intense recovery and went to workshop) I wrote out a poem (sort of) in my journal that reflects these feelings.

"I am a small child in an adult body

I am trapped in a life I don't live but just survive

I fight to be the best I can only to fail-over and over

I am sad, lonely, bored, confused, I don't know who I am!

I don't fit in anywhere-don't know where I belong

I am trapped by my thoughts, controlled by the "demons" inside me

I am NOT possessed by demons because Christs lives in me

I want to be better, I want to be well, I want to be FREE....

but I am scared to death.  

For what I need to be freed from is ALL I know 

and as much as I hate it, it is safety, comfortable, it gives me--me!

Without it I am.....

NOTHING!!

I don't exist..........."

That is my "roller coaster" life before recovery started and at times (many times, like now) it still feels that way.  Today is a struggle and I am taking one moment at a time to get through.  I just can't stop, got to keep moving forward even if it is very slow right now.