Feeling Sad

I AM SAD!!! I thought about just writing out my feelings in my journal but then thought I would share them on here. Of course right now I am feeling a bit sorry for myself and think 'who is going to read this anyway? no one really cares'. I know that is NOT true (well I don't know who reads this but I do know that people DO care).



My sadness is coming from my feelings of abandonment, fear and loneliness. I was to meet with a friend today....someone I was letting in slowly and felt like I could trust but when I arrived that person was NOT there. THEY FORGOT!!  I've not had many friends in my life and very few I actually trust so this was tough.

Now there are times this would happen and I would be like 'okay I have other things to do' then go about my life. Then other times, like today I was hit with FEAR and that feeling that I am NOT important enough to remember. 

This ALL comes from my childhood (well even into adult life) of feeling abandoned and that no one cares. The 'I'm not worth someone else's time' feeling.

Once I got a hold of this person they did apologize (a couple times) and I forgive them. Everyone makes mistakes. The thing is the PAIN and HURT are very real. I feel trust has been broken a bit.

This is when I tend to retreat into myself. Isolate from others and work to NOT get hurt again. I am NOT going to let myself do that this time. I will give it a little time before I REALLY talk to this person as I want to make sure I can be kind and loving and also let them know that it hurt me and that even though I know it was an honest mistake it takes a lot for me to trust people and this put a dent in my trust. 

On my way home I cried, talked to my husband who was very kind and understanding. I thought how easy it has been for me to just live within my head in fantasy most of my life. The people in my fantasies don't hurt me. I don't want to go there either as fantasy does not help me.

Sometimes life just sucks!! Dealing with trauma and past hurts that jump on my back so fast....well it just SUCKS!!! I am letting myself feel instead of caving inward on myself and self-destructing (old patterns). 

I'll be OKAY!! Now for some good healthy self-care and on with living life. This recovery/healing journey is NOT easy!!! It's exhausting.......

Dealing with Trauma

I'll keep this short as I have a busy day plus I do not feel well today.

As I share my journey trauma will come up a lot. This is difficult and one of the reasons I am keeping my name out.  Also the fact that with my addiction I have had affairs on my husband and I am willing to tell anyone everything BUT the affairs.

The trauma is difficult as my childhood appeared normal or maybe even ideal to many.  People just have no idea what goes on behind closed doors.  I also love my parents and have no intention of dragging them through this or even hurting them.  I have empathy for them and even though I have to practice healthy boundaries and some detachment with them I still do not wish them any harm in any way.

There is also trauma/abuse from early in my marriage I have to deal with.  Again I do not wish to hurt my husband (I have already done enough damage there).  Thankfully he knows and has taken responsibility for his abuse early in our marriage.

Over the last 16 months (more so the last year) I have worked the 12 steps in SA, have gone through one round of DBT (Dialectical Behavior Therapy), Emotional Focused Couples Therapy (EFT)=(still in that process) AND working Trauma work through Somatic Experiencing (SE).  That is a LOT of work!! So I am working on healing my inner child, re-parenting myself and a lot of stuff that right now feels a little overwhelming.

Not sure if it is because I don't feel well (possibly dealing with a cold) or if it is because I had a painful flashback last night then more crazy dreams along with sex dreams.  Sleep is an issue for me due to all that.  I don't get good restful sleep and so far no meds have really helped.

So for today I am just taking one moment at a time to feel and heal.  To do some good self-care.  I have a couple appointments today otherwise I would curl up with my bear and sleep (and likely cry).

Feeling is Healing!!  It is very painful to go through but if I want to be better then I have to continue feeling these yucky feelings.

The Start of this Journey

As I said in my first post this journey of healing started in July 2013 but I am going to go back just a little bit.  It was in May of 2013 when I was spiraling into my addiction and told my therapist.  She recommended a book.  I got it and read it.  It was very eye opening, difficult to read at times but more helpful than I ever thought.  This book is called No Stones:  Women Redeemed from Sexual Addiction by Marnie Ferree.  I highly recommend this book.  My husband read it this year (about 6 months after I did) and it was very helpful for him also.  I read it in June 2013 before going to the intensive workshop.

 I then went to the intensive workshop in July 2013.  Once I signed up I freaked out about going.  I was going to be away from home, away from my husband, with complete strangers and dealing with stuff I was not sure I wanted to deal with.  Add in that is was in another state and I don't fly well.

Through the years I have had many different mental health diagnosis.  Some more accurate than others but after I started down this healing road I was told that pretty much all the diagnosis that I have been given and everything I deal with mentally falls under PTSD. I have learned that it is more a Complex-PTSD and this is not in the DSM-IV or V really so I just get the PTSD part.  After hearing this more things started to make sense but I'll get to that later.

My anxiety was extreme to the point that my loving husband drove me for hours to the workshop, flew home the next day then flew back to drive me back home.  The workshop I went to was Bethesda Workshops Healing for Women (http://www.bethesdaworkshops.org/).  They also have a Healing for Men and for Partners.  

That first day was crazy and I just remember having to turn over my cell phone and being told that even though we didn't want to be there that day that by the end we won't want to leave.  I did not think that would be the case.

This is a very intense workshop but the amount of information, the time spent learning and growing, the care and compassion of everyone that was involved was amazing.  I knew that first day that I was indeed a sex addict.  By the last day I did not want to leave.  Marnie was right.  I just wanted to stay there with everyone I had just met.  Where I was safe.  Where these other ladies knew my ugly secrets and still cared.  I was scared to go back home and back to real life.

I prayed a lot, cried a lot and hugged a lot.  I wasn't sure how things were going to play out once I got home.  Only a few people even knew where I was.  Only a few know that I am a sex addict. My family doesn't know, my friends do not know.  I have one friend that knows everything and my husband.  So I felt like I was coming home to a new, strange different world.  I knew that I was going to have to get into a sex addicts 12 step meeting.  I knew I was ready for this journey and it was not going to be easy but it was time.  I was scared, no terrified is more like it.