Porn Addiction....Part 2

Here I want to talk about my recovery and how I am dealing with my porn addiction. I left off about the time I went to Bethesda healing for women workshop. Before I left I was spiraling in my porn addiction and that is kind of what led my therapist to suggest going to the workshop.

If you haven't read Part 1 the link is HERE

MY RECOVERY JOURNEY:

As I started this intensive part of my journey it was not easy giving up porn. I got home from the workshop and I was looking online 2 days later......this is NOT easy! I got into SA and their definition of sobriety was no sex with self (masturbation) or anyone outside of marriage. So as I worked on that I would dance around the internet to look at things to get aroused but not masturbate. It is stupid because I could not do that but a few times and then I was on porn and masturbating....lost my 3 months of not very good sobriety. So at that point added porn as one of my bottom line behaviors and set up the accountability program on my phone.

I had the accountability program on my computer but had not used my phone for porn. I did my iPad but once my husband found out he sold it. It was my phone that got me in trouble and so on went the program to help hold me accountable. I still had an old phone that I could access the internet on and I would tell my recovery family and was told to surrender it and I would but then take it back. I was having a hard time letting go. FINALLY I did let go and surrendered that phone to my sponsor who still has it to this day.

MY MARRIAGE:

Once I had gone about 2 months without porn my husband noticed a difference in me. The longer I have gone the more I see the changes. These changes keep me from looking at porn. When I get an urge or thought I think about the good that has come from NOT looking at porn. I wish I would have known this years ago. WOW what a difference it makes.

I found a website that talks about the effects on porn in marriage. It is written with men in mind but a lot of these things are the same for women. The link is here.  I am going to share some of these and how they effected me and my marriage AND how abstaining from porn has helped. WARNING I am not holding anything back and could make some uncomfortable but how will anyone learn if I don't share..... Please read the article for their information, I am just using their points and adding my experience.

1) Porn means you can't get aroused by "just" your spouse

This is 100% true for me. I got to the point that my husband just 'didn't do it for me anymore'. The only way to really enjoyed sex with my husband I had to go into my head and think about the stuff I had seen that did arouse me. This completely takes away any intimacy and connection between a husband and wife.

Since stopping....my husband has no trouble getting me aroused and honestly it is amazing and I am so thankful I don't look at porn. I do have tons of images in my head and if I think that I am not able to be completely present with my husband than I will tell him and we will hold off on having sex. I don't want anything in my head to arouse me anymore....only him!

FYI...I will be skipping some that are in the article that don't really apply to me (and to save some time on here). I don't feel that porn wrecked my libido nor did I feel lazy towards sex...so on to number

4) Porn turns "making love" into a foreign concept

Honestly, I feel like it has only been recently that making love was real for me. We had great sex early in our marriage and for many years but for me it was how I thought we were to connect only for me to not feel connected and cry after feeling alone and worth nothing. I felt used a lot (these are my feelings even though my husband has asked for forgiveness for those early years and the times he did use me...still this is MY issue NOT his). I think before all this I felt like we 'made love' maybe a few times over 20 years. That's pretty sad.

NOW we make love and that is so much better than just having sex with no bond or connection. We make sure we are connecting intimately outside the bedroom so that once we do come together it is a real connection. This has been a lot of work for me but it is so worth it.

5) Porn makes regular intercourse seem boring

YES, and I have asked my husband to do things that he was not comfortable doing due to my porn use. WOW, I am so thankful my husband is not addicted to porn. I would try and manipulate him and then get mad if he didn't want to do things. Yes, it did feel boring, VERY boring.

NOW it is NOT!! Taking away porn has freed me to connect with my husband and believe me it is never boring. Funny how that works.

9) Porn makes sex seem like too much work

I can't say that I really felt like sex was too much work, it wasn't BUT I did feel like it was just easier for me to get myself off then to have my husband do any work since I had to be in my head for anything to happen anyway. Masturbation was just easier. It was easy to just give him what he wanted then later take care of myself.

Now I really enjoy the journey and everything about our sex life. Nothing is work and it is worth any effort we put into it. I would rather make love to my husband than masturbate to porn (most of the time...honestly there are days that I just am so distressed that I would rather numb out with masturbation and I tell him this. He offers sex and I tell him that won't help so we talk.....THAT HELPS!!).

10) Porn causes selfishness

I didn't ignore my husbands need for sex due to porn but I also denied him the pleasure of pleasing me with just him (I had to be in my head to get aroused). I was not content in my marriage a lot and I do contribute some of that to porn, other to TV, movies and romantic books. Porn & masturbation are selfish acts and no matter what they do take away from a marriage.

My husband is my biggest supporter and shows me so much grace in all this. He loves me and even though I am doing this (my recovery/healing journey) for me it really is for both of us because we are one. I still have to take one day at a time and thankfully I have great support. 

I do hope those images will decrease with time, I have been told they do. It can still be a struggle but thankfully it is getting easier as time goes on. I just really wanted to share how porn has impacted me and my marriage and how abstaining from porn has had a HUGE benefit. I hope that if you have an issue with porn that you will seek help.

Have a great day!! 

Porn Addiction...Part 1

I was going to write about something else but then this came to mind. I have said before that my biggest issues have been with fantasy, masturbation and porn. I have not looked at porn in over 15 months (almost 16) and that is a victory for me. It is not easy. I still get cravings or urges to look. As I was preparing for this blog I was looking for pictures on porn addiction AND well other pics popped up and I would scroll quickly by or get off the page as to not look at them but honestly my adrenaline is pumping and the desire is strong to seek out those images. 

MY STORY:

I was first introduced to porn (magazine) at age 5 and things just seemed to continue from there. My dad had 'girly' magazines arrive by mail and they were not out of sight. So my first exposure were to those magazine which for me did a number on my self-image. Back then these gals were not photo shopped (I don't believe) as it was in the 70's. I wanted to look like them and be like them and one day pose in one of those magazines. That was what my dad liked and I didn't think he liked me so I needed to be like them (the women in those magazines) to have men like me and want me.

By age 11 or so I was exposed to porn movies and then to magazines of nude men. I would masturbate to these things and they helped fuel my fantasies. Before I had the internet it was magazines, VHS tapes and my mind from things I had seen.

Once I was married, my husband and I would view porn together from time to time and he would look at magazines on his own. This was all normal for me as that is how I grew up but I did feel betrayed that my husband would want to look at those women. I felt like I was not good enough. Again, I had that with my father and now with my husband (important men in my life). At some point my husband knew that looking at these things did not help him or our marriage and he was able to let go of them and quit looking at them. Thank God he does not (never did) deal with a true porn addiction.

Once we got a computer and the internet (which at first was dial up....very slow) it was not long that I looked for porn. I would feel guilty, confess and pray that I wouldn't do it again. BUT I did, over and over and once we got DSL (no more dial up) it just got worse. 

I would not have thought of myself as a porn addict. I had control....or so I thought. I could stop anytime I wanted....I just didn't want to. I was having a hard time seeing the problem other than the moral issue that went with it.

When I was first told I was a sex addict (about 8 years ago) it started to sink in just how bad this porn addiction really was. How it had progressively gotten worse and what I was viewing had to keep changing to keep getting the desired result..........which was arousal and masturbation. INSANITY!!  

At my first disclosure to my husband over 7 1/2 years ago he was not only numb from hearing of my infidelity but shocked that I was addicted to porn. He had no idea the amount or kind of porn I was looking at (I didn't tell him what just how much at my best guess). At that point porn was to be off limits for me (as was other men & masturbation). I did well for a few months but then I was back at the porn and masturbation and I think I justified it in my head saying that it didn't hurt my marriage and that it kept me from going outside my marriage...HUGE LIES!!! Also, I did these without my husbands knowledge.  I do believe I cut way back on the amount/time spend engaging in these activities over the 6 years from first disclosure to going to Bethesda workshop for women.

In part 2 I will talk about recovery, stopping and the impact on my marriage.....
You can read part 2 HERE

Inside My Head

At a recent SA meeting we read about how as sex addicts we and get "drunk" just with our thoughts. I am not an alcoholic so I can not speak for how things work with them but from what I understand is that if there is NO alcohol in the house then it takes effort for an alcoholic to go and get the drug they want/need. I am sure that they have thoughts about drinking but again I cannot speak on how their addiction effects them, only how mine effects me.

As a sex addict I live in my head a lot. I can get "drunk" (so to speak) with just my thoughts. Take away the internet (porn access) put me alone in my house with NO means to access my drug.....BUT my drug is still with me....IN MY HEAD!! ALL THE TIME!! Fantasies can be brought up in an instant and those can lead to acting out with myself. I can still recall porn from when I was a kid. I have gone over 15 months without looking at porn but all it takes is a spit second and I can pull up images that can get me aroused. It is THAT EASY!!

In our sex saturated society it is difficult to get away from pictures, TV, movies, books, etc... that makes this addiction difficult for many (myself included). I have not seen a lot of movies that others talk about due to the fact that I know they would not benefit my mind. I do watch TV that at times I know I need to turn off and at times I do and other times....not so much.

I have been doing very well in this area for months now and I have had several things come up that in the past would have tripped me up very quickly. Someone mentioned a guys name and then the other person said "No, he's a porn star". My mind went quickly from 'what was that name so I could look him up'...to 'NO, let it go'. In then out and don't dwell on it. There are some movies coming out (one in particular) that I have heard women talk about and I guess the trailer for the movie is out (I have seen a trailer for another one that intrigues me). I know this is NOT a movie I can see but my mind quickly goes through the 'well maybe just the trailer'. NOPE!! can't do that. I can't always control the thoughts that come in but I can control what I do with them.

Sometimes I get angry that I can't do what others can or see things that others can but is all that really good for anyone? I don't think so but that is for them to deal with....not me. I can only control me.

My husband and I recently watched some TV that was real life drama on real crimes but dramatized. At first I didn't think much about it because I like to watch those 'who done it' kind of things but I could feel my body tense up and my mind start to spin when certain words were said and different scenes played out. I could tell that it was getting to me a bit and I needed to get it OUT OF MY HEAD. That is the only way to be free of those thoughts. Thankfully I could tell my husband and he was very thankful I told him and very understanding. ACCOUNTABILITY!! I have to have it all the time. 

I want freedom from this addiction. I feel like I have come a long way in getting to this point. To be able to let go of thoughts and not let them control me. To get them out of my head as soon as possible so they don't take up more residence and then start the ball rolling down the hill into a slip or full relapse. It is NOT easy. It is NOT fun. At times it takes everything I've got to surrender the thoughts. Recovery can be very exhausting at times. It can be frustrating when others don't understand why I are not going to see a movie that would be so much fun to see. Or books that 'everyone' is reading but I am not.

I do have God on my side and for me that is huge. I can go to Him in prayer, I have many Bible verses to go to help me in this area. I want a clear mind. I know those images will always be there but I have heard they will fade more and more with time. I am praying for that. There is a huge trade off to having a clear mind and that is being more productive, more effective in my witness (godliness), AND a better marriage. Abstaining from porn (both online and pushing it out of my head) has really helped in my sex life & intimate relationship with my husband. That payoff is worth staying sober from porn!! and everything else involved in my sex addictive behaviors.

Freedom is possible. Surrender is a must. Stop running, stop trying and be open to others and to the grace of God. It is worth the time and effort!!

Fairy Tales, Romance & Real Life

A great deal of my life I have lived in a fantasy world....in my head that is. From a very early age I dreamed of the "perfect" man, life, kids, house, etc.... I think that is every little girls dream. I also fantasized about SO many other things but that is not what I am going to talk about today.

I have read many romance novels and I love romantic movies. This may not seem like a bad thing but for me I know that if I am not careful these things DO create a problem. No one can live up to the fairy tale happiness in these books and movies. Love and sex do not play out that way in real life.

Recently I have had some major changes to adjust to and some traumatic events to deal with. Stress to put it mildly. When I get stressed my anxiety goes up and then I want to retreat into something that is unreal, escape into fantasy. Not always a sexual fantasy but just anything that takes me out of real life. Lately, my husband has been very busy and we have not had as much time together as I would like. So I started reading a romance novel (not an erotic novel...can't do those anymore). Within a few pages I start to feel it....that feeling that something is not right. Not so long ago I would have gotten angry and not know what the problem was BUT now I know. 

DISCONTENTMENT!!

I become discontent with my marriage! WHY? Because I want the romance, the fun, the crazy love that is in the book. What I have is a very busy husband working to provide for his family. A man that loves me for me and has accepted me for who I am. Someone that likes to take care of me, do special things for me, sacrifice sleep to listen to yet another one of my boring rambling stories (well sometimes he will fall asleep to them but I don't blame him for that). Someone that loves me unconditionally. He is not perfect....AND neither am I. We have been married a long time and have been through a lot together and we are still together, working to grow our marriage even after many events that would tear a marriage apart. 

Once we started dating I thought it was crazy that he wanted to spend time with me and not to just have sex (although that was a part of our dating). We had a rocky start but once we decided to get married I thought I had found my knight in shining armor. The young man that was coming to rescue this young girl who already had one kid and now with 2. That fantasy was shattered really quickly and then I went back into my head.

I used fantasy to escape during most of my marriage. I would fantasize about the "perfect" man coming to rescue me from my now not so perfect husband. Once I actually went outside my marriage I realized that real life still did not measure up to my fantasies. Then reality really hit (the disclosure of those events).

I don't believe in fairy tales. I believe in real love. I believe that I have to work on me to be a better wife and not try to change my husband. I do believe in romance but not what is in the books, TV or movies but what my husband really does for me...the little things and sometimes really big ones. Real life is not always fun but once I stepped out of the fairy tales and fantasy of what I thought life and marriage should be and stepped into what is real and true I have found that inner peace and love of self that I cannot even express how amazing that is. I now look at my husband and love him no matter what. He is my prince. He is the one I want to grow old with. He has been an amazing father to our kids. He is loving and kind. He is compassionate. He works hard to provide so I can stay home. 

Our love story may not read like a fairy tale or romance novel but I would rather be living in real life with the man I do have than pursuing a fantasy that can never be.

REAL LIFE.....A MUCH BETTER PLACE TO LIVE!!

<-------That would be my husband!! 
I am very thankful that God brought us together & I have a man like that!!

This First 4 Months

Don't freak out by the title, I can summarize it pretty quickly....I believe.  

It was very difficult.  I finally got sober by SA's definition (no sex with self or anyone other than the spouse) but I wasn't really getting "progressive victory over lust" yet.  So, looking back I was "technically" sober and also realized I was a "dry drunk" as AA puts it.

As a female in meetings with all men it was difficult to find a sponsor so I could get working on the 12 steps.  I called SA's central office, got numbers for women from all over the country and made calls....LOTS of calls.  I got a lot of "good luck" and "no, can't help you" but one gal did try and help but she would basically tell me to look up the step and see what works for me and do it then call her.  I had no idea what to do with that since I had never worked the steps.  So getting help from women was not working.

I was however getting help from the men in my meetings.  Many were giving me numbers of therapists (I already had one but they thought it might help), giving me advise about calling the central office and encouraging me to not give up.  

Also during this time I had to do another disclosure with my husband.  It caught me off guard as I didn't want to for fear of losing him but he asked during a counseling session and if I was going to be honest and keep being honest I couldn't lie anymore (lying is something I have done all my life so this honesty thing was new).  So I was honest.  That was not easy.  This was the 2nd disclosure I had made to my husband.  The first had been 6 years earlier without the help of a therapist but with the prompting of the therapist.  To admit to my husband that I had been unfaithful, was addicted to porn, masturbation & fantasy was awful.  I will NEVER forget the pain on his face.  I never wanted to see that again.  Then last year when I had to do a second disclosure I saw it again.  I had been unfaithful in the 6 years since my first disclosure and as much as I didn't want to tell him I knew it was the only way to healing and to have a close, honest, intimate relationship with him....as long as he stayed with me.  He has thank God!!

I also had to do some house cleaning as far as getting rid of clothes and "toys".  I put an accountability program on my laptop (see previous post here) and started sending it with my husband to work everyday so I didn't even have the temptation.  Again not so fun.  I didn't think I would care but it was sad to let go of things that were a part of my life, even if only a short time (the toys I had only had a short time).

Many times I wanted to give up.  I felt like I was never going to get the help I needed.  I was never going to get better and I felt sad, lonely and depressed most of the time.  I did get help from one of the men in my meetings.  He helped me do my 1st step.  I did get 3 months of sobriety then lost it.  I was feeling pretty hopeless a lot of the time.  I wanted to go back....back to before I went to treatment.  Back to my "old" way of life.  Back to my "safety" (see last post here).

I had tried another female temporary sponsor but that didn't work out.  I did meet a gal who is now one of my very best friends and I am honored to be her sponsor.

Finally, after months of working my a$$ off to get help and find a sponsor I was encouraged to ask the men in my group as some had sponsored women before and might again.  So the end of Nov 2013 I asked one of the guys and he said he would be my temp sponsor.  Now almost a year later he is my sponsor and has been a HUGE help in helping me get to where I am.

NEVER GIVE UP!!!

Growth or Safety?

I saw this and just had to share.  As a recovering sex addict and also working on healing my inner child there are days I just want to run back into the safety that is my addiction or any other self-destructive behaviors that have helped me cope through the years.




Some days are easier than others.  I feel like I "step" forward into growth but I RUN back into safety. I am learning and it is a slow process at times and other times I may take a few steps forward.  As long as I am moving in the right direction....forward into growth and healing/recovery then that is all that matters.



Growth is painful.  Remember when you were growing up and you would get pains in your legs and your mom or dad would tell you it was just growing pains?  Growth in recover and healing is also painful both physically and emotionally.  That is why it is so difficult and why many RUN back into safety.



Safety is suppose to be, well safe....RIGHT?  Not always!  I'll speak for myself here and say that for me life has never really felt safe.  People have not been safe and so safety for me was to escape into whatever I needed to for survival.  These could be anywhere from fantasizing (both sexual and non sexual ones), sex, drugs, alcohol, and a host of other things that are too long to list here.  Safety for me was anything to NOT feel, to NOT think, to NOT be.

I am learning what healthy safety is.  Who is safe.  How to stay safe with boundaries and using that little, very difficult word...NO.  I'm learning who I can trust and who I cannot trust.

So as I continue to step forward into growth I am working to not step back into my old safe behaviors but learning to feel safe in my healthy growth. One step at a time.  One day at a time.