Growth or Safety?

I saw this and just had to share.  As a recovering sex addict and also working on healing my inner child there are days I just want to run back into the safety that is my addiction or any other self-destructive behaviors that have helped me cope through the years.




Some days are easier than others.  I feel like I "step" forward into growth but I RUN back into safety. I am learning and it is a slow process at times and other times I may take a few steps forward.  As long as I am moving in the right direction....forward into growth and healing/recovery then that is all that matters.



Growth is painful.  Remember when you were growing up and you would get pains in your legs and your mom or dad would tell you it was just growing pains?  Growth in recover and healing is also painful both physically and emotionally.  That is why it is so difficult and why many RUN back into safety.



Safety is suppose to be, well safe....RIGHT?  Not always!  I'll speak for myself here and say that for me life has never really felt safe.  People have not been safe and so safety for me was to escape into whatever I needed to for survival.  These could be anywhere from fantasizing (both sexual and non sexual ones), sex, drugs, alcohol, and a host of other things that are too long to list here.  Safety for me was anything to NOT feel, to NOT think, to NOT be.

I am learning what healthy safety is.  Who is safe.  How to stay safe with boundaries and using that little, very difficult word...NO.  I'm learning who I can trust and who I cannot trust.

So as I continue to step forward into growth I am working to not step back into my old safe behaviors but learning to feel safe in my healthy growth. One step at a time.  One day at a time.

Learning to use my voice

One thing that I am learning is to speak up for myself.  To have a voice which is something new for me.  I grew up not being heard.  What I had to say didn't matter, I didn't matter. Now in my 40's I have to learn to speak up, use my voice, say no.  These are all very difficult for me as I still have the fear of what others think or how they feel.  Will they hate me if I say no?  Will I be bullied if I stand up for myself?  Will anyone still like me or care about me if I speak up for myself?

This is all new and I am learning.  I had to do that today.  I had to tell someone that I was unable to continue working for them.  This person is a friend and I really tried and it had less to do with them and more to do with the fact that I still am working on learning how to have good self-care.

Thankfully I had a lot of support from others and this person appeared to take it well.  My problem is I walked away concerned that I hurt their feelings or what others might think in the office.  These are things I have to surrender and let go of.

Now on to some rest and good self-care.

**On a side note you will notice that I will be going back and forth from early in my healing journey and what is going on now.  I wish I had started this in the beginning but I guess I was not ready.