Thanks For Sharing

Update:  It's been a while since I last blogged......
I was depressed and hoping changes would help. They didn't or maybe they did a little but other stresses created more issues. Instead of feeling better I just slipped further into depression. My anxiety has been high. I don't like this. I used to masturbate to help my anxiety and now I can't (not best word but going to use it for now). I am coming up on 1 yr of sobriety (in just over 6 weeks), I really don't want to mess that up AND it would only be a temporary help that could create long term problems.

I watched the movie Thanks For Sharing recently. It is a movie about sex addiction. I didn't watch it when it first came out as I didn't know if it would be good as I was struggling. I felt like even though I have been dealing with low moods and self-destructive thoughts I have been doing well in not having urges in my sex addiction so I felt like I could handle it.

It was an interesting movie. I did have to turn my head away a couple times. I didn't agree with everything but it did remind me how cunning and baffling this addiction is and I just need to keep aware. 

I know me pretty well and I know that there are things I do that tend to be the start down that road. Little things like the music I listen to, the movies & TV I watch. Not turning away when things come on TV that trigger more thoughts. Being aware that anxiety is a huge trigger for me. Knowing it is summer and it would be easy to dress inappropriately to gain attention, that desire to be lusted after. When I start loosening the boundaries around what I can or cannot do/see thinking that I am okay and that 1 thing won't be a problem THAT'S when I start slipping down that path to....well a SLIP or RELAPSE. I don't want to go there.

I did talk to a friend in the program after the movie because it kind of messed with my head a little. In the movie a guy had 5 years of sobriety and lost it when his emotions were too overwhelming. That is a fear for me. I have seen it in my meetings. Years of sobriety lost in a moment. If that is what will happen then what's the point???? 

The point is I want to be healthy, I want to be free, I want better for myself. I hope I don't mess up (again) at some point but if I do I hope that I am healthy enough to pick myself up and move on. Honestly I REALLY hope I don't mess up....that is my hope and prayer. Just keep reminding myself that this is one day at a time and to take one day at a time or I get overwhelmed.

So maybe I do need to sit down and take a little personal inventory of my current behaviors to see if there is anything I need to change. I have really been doing well SA wise, not having urges to act out. I do have some thoughts from time to time but I let them go in and then out and not dwell on them. I don't feel like I have it figured out I just know what works for me at this time.

That is what is going on with me. I am hoping that the summer settles down a bit and life gives me a little break so I can breathe before the fall/winter months come around and the holidays....UGH!! I just want to enjoy the summer right now.

ONE DAY AT A TIME!!!

Growth or Safety?

I saw this and just had to share.  As a recovering sex addict and also working on healing my inner child there are days I just want to run back into the safety that is my addiction or any other self-destructive behaviors that have helped me cope through the years.




Some days are easier than others.  I feel like I "step" forward into growth but I RUN back into safety. I am learning and it is a slow process at times and other times I may take a few steps forward.  As long as I am moving in the right direction....forward into growth and healing/recovery then that is all that matters.



Growth is painful.  Remember when you were growing up and you would get pains in your legs and your mom or dad would tell you it was just growing pains?  Growth in recover and healing is also painful both physically and emotionally.  That is why it is so difficult and why many RUN back into safety.



Safety is suppose to be, well safe....RIGHT?  Not always!  I'll speak for myself here and say that for me life has never really felt safe.  People have not been safe and so safety for me was to escape into whatever I needed to for survival.  These could be anywhere from fantasizing (both sexual and non sexual ones), sex, drugs, alcohol, and a host of other things that are too long to list here.  Safety for me was anything to NOT feel, to NOT think, to NOT be.

I am learning what healthy safety is.  Who is safe.  How to stay safe with boundaries and using that little, very difficult word...NO.  I'm learning who I can trust and who I cannot trust.

So as I continue to step forward into growth I am working to not step back into my old safe behaviors but learning to feel safe in my healthy growth. One step at a time.  One day at a time.