Porn Addiction....Part 2

Here I want to talk about my recovery and how I am dealing with my porn addiction. I left off about the time I went to Bethesda healing for women workshop. Before I left I was spiraling in my porn addiction and that is kind of what led my therapist to suggest going to the workshop.

If you haven't read Part 1 the link is HERE

MY RECOVERY JOURNEY:

As I started this intensive part of my journey it was not easy giving up porn. I got home from the workshop and I was looking online 2 days later......this is NOT easy! I got into SA and their definition of sobriety was no sex with self (masturbation) or anyone outside of marriage. So as I worked on that I would dance around the internet to look at things to get aroused but not masturbate. It is stupid because I could not do that but a few times and then I was on porn and masturbating....lost my 3 months of not very good sobriety. So at that point added porn as one of my bottom line behaviors and set up the accountability program on my phone.

I had the accountability program on my computer but had not used my phone for porn. I did my iPad but once my husband found out he sold it. It was my phone that got me in trouble and so on went the program to help hold me accountable. I still had an old phone that I could access the internet on and I would tell my recovery family and was told to surrender it and I would but then take it back. I was having a hard time letting go. FINALLY I did let go and surrendered that phone to my sponsor who still has it to this day.

MY MARRIAGE:

Once I had gone about 2 months without porn my husband noticed a difference in me. The longer I have gone the more I see the changes. These changes keep me from looking at porn. When I get an urge or thought I think about the good that has come from NOT looking at porn. I wish I would have known this years ago. WOW what a difference it makes.

I found a website that talks about the effects on porn in marriage. It is written with men in mind but a lot of these things are the same for women. The link is here.  I am going to share some of these and how they effected me and my marriage AND how abstaining from porn has helped. WARNING I am not holding anything back and could make some uncomfortable but how will anyone learn if I don't share..... Please read the article for their information, I am just using their points and adding my experience.

1) Porn means you can't get aroused by "just" your spouse

This is 100% true for me. I got to the point that my husband just 'didn't do it for me anymore'. The only way to really enjoyed sex with my husband I had to go into my head and think about the stuff I had seen that did arouse me. This completely takes away any intimacy and connection between a husband and wife.

Since stopping....my husband has no trouble getting me aroused and honestly it is amazing and I am so thankful I don't look at porn. I do have tons of images in my head and if I think that I am not able to be completely present with my husband than I will tell him and we will hold off on having sex. I don't want anything in my head to arouse me anymore....only him!

FYI...I will be skipping some that are in the article that don't really apply to me (and to save some time on here). I don't feel that porn wrecked my libido nor did I feel lazy towards sex...so on to number

4) Porn turns "making love" into a foreign concept

Honestly, I feel like it has only been recently that making love was real for me. We had great sex early in our marriage and for many years but for me it was how I thought we were to connect only for me to not feel connected and cry after feeling alone and worth nothing. I felt used a lot (these are my feelings even though my husband has asked for forgiveness for those early years and the times he did use me...still this is MY issue NOT his). I think before all this I felt like we 'made love' maybe a few times over 20 years. That's pretty sad.

NOW we make love and that is so much better than just having sex with no bond or connection. We make sure we are connecting intimately outside the bedroom so that once we do come together it is a real connection. This has been a lot of work for me but it is so worth it.

5) Porn makes regular intercourse seem boring

YES, and I have asked my husband to do things that he was not comfortable doing due to my porn use. WOW, I am so thankful my husband is not addicted to porn. I would try and manipulate him and then get mad if he didn't want to do things. Yes, it did feel boring, VERY boring.

NOW it is NOT!! Taking away porn has freed me to connect with my husband and believe me it is never boring. Funny how that works.

9) Porn makes sex seem like too much work

I can't say that I really felt like sex was too much work, it wasn't BUT I did feel like it was just easier for me to get myself off then to have my husband do any work since I had to be in my head for anything to happen anyway. Masturbation was just easier. It was easy to just give him what he wanted then later take care of myself.

Now I really enjoy the journey and everything about our sex life. Nothing is work and it is worth any effort we put into it. I would rather make love to my husband than masturbate to porn (most of the time...honestly there are days that I just am so distressed that I would rather numb out with masturbation and I tell him this. He offers sex and I tell him that won't help so we talk.....THAT HELPS!!).

10) Porn causes selfishness

I didn't ignore my husbands need for sex due to porn but I also denied him the pleasure of pleasing me with just him (I had to be in my head to get aroused). I was not content in my marriage a lot and I do contribute some of that to porn, other to TV, movies and romantic books. Porn & masturbation are selfish acts and no matter what they do take away from a marriage.

My husband is my biggest supporter and shows me so much grace in all this. He loves me and even though I am doing this (my recovery/healing journey) for me it really is for both of us because we are one. I still have to take one day at a time and thankfully I have great support. 

I do hope those images will decrease with time, I have been told they do. It can still be a struggle but thankfully it is getting easier as time goes on. I just really wanted to share how porn has impacted me and my marriage and how abstaining from porn has had a HUGE benefit. I hope that if you have an issue with porn that you will seek help.

Have a great day!! 

Porn Addiction...Part 1

I was going to write about something else but then this came to mind. I have said before that my biggest issues have been with fantasy, masturbation and porn. I have not looked at porn in over 15 months (almost 16) and that is a victory for me. It is not easy. I still get cravings or urges to look. As I was preparing for this blog I was looking for pictures on porn addiction AND well other pics popped up and I would scroll quickly by or get off the page as to not look at them but honestly my adrenaline is pumping and the desire is strong to seek out those images. 

MY STORY:

I was first introduced to porn (magazine) at age 5 and things just seemed to continue from there. My dad had 'girly' magazines arrive by mail and they were not out of sight. So my first exposure were to those magazine which for me did a number on my self-image. Back then these gals were not photo shopped (I don't believe) as it was in the 70's. I wanted to look like them and be like them and one day pose in one of those magazines. That was what my dad liked and I didn't think he liked me so I needed to be like them (the women in those magazines) to have men like me and want me.

By age 11 or so I was exposed to porn movies and then to magazines of nude men. I would masturbate to these things and they helped fuel my fantasies. Before I had the internet it was magazines, VHS tapes and my mind from things I had seen.

Once I was married, my husband and I would view porn together from time to time and he would look at magazines on his own. This was all normal for me as that is how I grew up but I did feel betrayed that my husband would want to look at those women. I felt like I was not good enough. Again, I had that with my father and now with my husband (important men in my life). At some point my husband knew that looking at these things did not help him or our marriage and he was able to let go of them and quit looking at them. Thank God he does not (never did) deal with a true porn addiction.

Once we got a computer and the internet (which at first was dial up....very slow) it was not long that I looked for porn. I would feel guilty, confess and pray that I wouldn't do it again. BUT I did, over and over and once we got DSL (no more dial up) it just got worse. 

I would not have thought of myself as a porn addict. I had control....or so I thought. I could stop anytime I wanted....I just didn't want to. I was having a hard time seeing the problem other than the moral issue that went with it.

When I was first told I was a sex addict (about 8 years ago) it started to sink in just how bad this porn addiction really was. How it had progressively gotten worse and what I was viewing had to keep changing to keep getting the desired result..........which was arousal and masturbation. INSANITY!!  

At my first disclosure to my husband over 7 1/2 years ago he was not only numb from hearing of my infidelity but shocked that I was addicted to porn. He had no idea the amount or kind of porn I was looking at (I didn't tell him what just how much at my best guess). At that point porn was to be off limits for me (as was other men & masturbation). I did well for a few months but then I was back at the porn and masturbation and I think I justified it in my head saying that it didn't hurt my marriage and that it kept me from going outside my marriage...HUGE LIES!!! Also, I did these without my husbands knowledge.  I do believe I cut way back on the amount/time spend engaging in these activities over the 6 years from first disclosure to going to Bethesda workshop for women.

In part 2 I will talk about recovery, stopping and the impact on my marriage.....
You can read part 2 HERE