Working the 12 Steps

I have worked all 12 steps and (personally) feel that everyone could benefit from going through them at least once even if they don't have an addiction. I also don't feel (and this might upset some) that they are the answer for everyone nor do I feel like that is why I am in the place I am now. I do feel that they have helped and I will continue to work on them as needed but a lot of them, in my opinion are really common sense and as someone with faith in God they are also the work a Christian should be doing anyway. I am not trying to undermine the 12 step program and I know for many that has been their life saver. I am saying that, for me recovery has been a LOT more than working the steps.

All that said I want to talk about my 12 step journey. It started when I went to Bethesda workshop and that is where I was introduced to the 12 steps. There we pretty much did steps 1-3 and in my opinion a little work on step 4 as I used stuff I did at the workshop to do my step 4.

Once I was home I needed to get to meetings, get a sponsor and start working the steps. That was my thought and I was determined to do that. As I have said before this was not an easy undertaking for me due to being the only female (most of the time) in meetings for a while. I had made calls to women all over the country but that is in an earlier post.

Finally one of the guys wanted to help me at least get my step 1 done so he helped me after a meeting to get me started. Doing a step 1 in SA is a lot different than in AA. In fact all the steps are worked differently in SA and in more detail than in AA. I have never done steps in AA so that was to my benefit.

He gave me, I think 3 weeks to get my 1st step written (this was a summary of my story, the story that brought me to SA and recovery, powerlessness & unmanageable) and it was to be no more than 3 pages and I was going to read it to the group. YIKES!!! Talk about being transparent.

SA step 1. We admitted that we were powerless over lust--that our lives had become unmanageable.

I wrote it out, asked a gal in another state to read it before I read it to the men in my meeting. She was less than helpful and I felt betrayed to say the least. She agreed to help then after reading it told me every reason she did not believe in sharing 1st steps in meetings and that it was triggering to her yet she did not tell me what was triggering to her. She did apologize a few weeks later but I have never talked to her again.

So after getting permission to read it I did and it was freeing. After I read my 1st step I then got feedback from the group which was nice. I have heard many 1st steps and to be honest I like hearing them and to me it helps to be that transparent and honest and it helps others to know they are not alone. I don't think it should be pushed on anyone nor do I feel like everyone should do this, it really has to be your choice. I really didn't feel like I had a choice then as I was so new and learning so for me I was still in the "doing what I was told" & "doing what I am suppose to do" stage. That's okay. I don't regret doing it.

SA step 2. Came to believe that a Power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity.
SA step 3. Made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God as we understood Him.

Those steps were easier. I already had/have a strong faith in God so turning my life over to Him...well I have done that. I like the short first 3 steps in a Christian way:

Step 1 I can't

Step 2 He can

Step 3 I'll let Him

Very simple but the 12 step program is a simple program just not easy.

So that is all for now I will later talk about my journey through the rest of the steps as that took more time and energy and some very difficult things to get through. Until next time......

Looking Back

I read a lot that says to NOT look back on the past. Without the past how can we learn to not repeat it? In the 12 promises in the AA Big Book is says "we will not regret the past nor wish to shut the door on it". I have gotten to that point in my recovery.

So with my recent struggles I decided to take a look back at my journals to last spring when I took a spiral down and ended up dealing with a slip that was a bit more costly than others.  I wanted to see if I am dealing with the same behaviors that preceded the spring slip and if so what I need to do to stop so I don't go back down that path. It was also good to read about my slip and the aftermath of pain, shame and despair. Reminds of where I've been and that I don't want to go back there.

Here is the list of what I was doing/feeling then that is the same for what I am dealing with now:

Feeling overwhelmed                                              
Feeling really down on myself, low self-esteem
Isolation                                                                  
Loneliness
Feeling like I don't really have anyone to talk to
Pressure of sobriety date
Intrusive (obsessive) sex dreams                        
Intrusive (obsessive) fantasies
Intrusive (obsessive) thoughts                            
Not having enough structure
Poor self-care                                                      
Not feeling well physically
Not eating good                                                  
Wanting connection
Struggles in marriage                                          
Saying things like "I'm a mess", "I'm a failure"
Self hatred                                                          
High anxiety
Depressed mood                                                      
Lots of stress
Having the push/pull....good girl/bad girl.....want to/don't want to

Just one of those can/should be a huge RED FLAG. To have a list that long from the spring to be the same now is scary.

On a positive note last spring I had cut back on my recovery....now I have actually increased my recovery work.  I was taking a little break from working the steps....now I go back over any step I need to, like step 1-powerless, 3-turning my will & life over to God, 6 & 7-looking at any defects and praying about them (I could go on but I think you get the point).  I was cutting back the meetings to no more than 1 a week....now I am try and go to more if I can (sometimes I just can't but I will plan other positive activities to replace).  So there are differences.  Plus I have been working recovery longer, working on trauma healing, have had a Spiritual Awakening and have had good recovery so right now I am just a bit upside down and just need to take the steps needed to get righted.

Also looking back really helped me see the pain that I DO NOT WANT TO REPEAT!!!  So for today I am doing the next right thing. One day at a time for the next 24 hours I commit to sobriety & recovery.

Struggling

Lately I have been struggling and I don't like it.

I have been over stressed, high anxiety and feeling a loss of control. I have been escaping into fantasy as that is not something I have to reset my sobriety for. Fantasy is easy, quick and takes me anywhere I want to go and no one has to know.  For me this is just a step down the hill that can lead to a slip or full blown relapse.  Also, the more I entertain the fantasies the closer I get to potentially acting out one of them.  The more I go into these fantasies the more discontent, isolated and depressed I become.  For me fantasy is NOT healthy or helpful.  It is a true escape and a way to numb/medicate to not feel.

It would be easy to just keep all this to myself as it has led to more behaviors that have started me down the path to really messing up but "we are as sick as our secrets" as the AA Big Book puts it.  So keeping what's in my head there will just eventually come out in a very bad way.  It has happened before and I really don't want it to happen again.

I do feel like at times I am in a battle with my addict.  Trying to control her feels like trying to bathe a cat (one that doesn't like water).  I'm not going to win and if I keep trying to control her I am going to get hurt (and in my case so will my husband).  I told my therapist I just need to get control of my thoughts then quickly rephrased that to NO I need to surrender my thoughts. Huge difference.



At the last meeting I went to I was open and honest with my recovery family and told them where I am and that I have been struggling.  Rigorous Honesty.  Thankfully that is a very safe place to do that.  I have also been honest with my husband.  I don't tell him everything but I do tell him I am struggling and he can ask how exactly.  This helps build intimacy with him.

Over the last 16+ months in intense recovery I have had a few slips but no real relapse (I learned there really is a difference) and I am doing what I can to prevent either from happening again.  I just have to keep "getting out of my head".